Dear DM, How does a cheater like myself truly come to repentance and empathy? - Divorce Minister
Hi.
I am the cheater in my relationship. I have been addicted to porn for 20 years as well as have visited massage parlors and strip clubs for 10 years. My sin is indeed grevious [sic]. My wife is leaving and divorcing me.
I agree with everything you say in your posts. I deserve nothing. I do long to be repentant, yet in every interaction with her, my fear of the consequences (my kids, finances, reputation etc) comes out and I find myself trying to minimize what I have done and ask for another chance.
How does a cheater like myself truly come to repentance and empathy for the person he has heinously sinned against?
-John
Have you found competent counseling to help you address your sinful and dysfunctional sexual habits? These are long-standing problems that need addressing with professional help.
You write,
I deserve nothing.
Do you really believe this? I ask because the next sentence talks about how you focus upon keeping what you already lost through your sinful behavior.
This is key:
You must stop thinking these losses are about her “taking” them away from you as opposed to what they actually are–namely, the consequence for your own decades of sin.
King David understood that the loss of his son and the other consequences were upon his own head for his own sin. This needs to be the starting point for true repentance.
Can a faithful spouse show mercy and not divorce? Yes. However, such is a gift and not something to be compelled or expected.
As far as empathy is concerned, have you looked at this situation from your wife’s perspective?
How would you feel if your wife was finding sexual satisfaction with others for a decade plus having your soul raped repeatedly? Could you trust her again? Think of all the lies on top of the cheating.
Have you been tested for STDs (if not, then please do and tell her)? Think about the fear your spouse brought some disease back from those activities.
The path forward to repentance and empathy is to first understand your own sin caused the losses you fear. Considered them gone. Then consider the damage your sin did to your wife and how you would feel in her shoes. That is empathy.
It is a long road forward, and she may still follow through with divorce as is biblically just (see Mt 19:9); however, I hope regardless of the outcome that you focus upon getting a handle on your sinful habits and discover the hope that comes from freedom from sin.
Blessings,
