Finding Healing and Hope After Sexual Sin in Your Marriage
“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”
Psalm 23:3
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
1 Peter 5:10
20 years ago, I was contacted by Scott; he was in bondage to pornography and his marriage was in a desperate place. Scott’s wife had filed for divorce and was insistent that the marriage was over.
Scott and I worked together in the weeks ahead. He started gaining victory over porn and received healing. Scott started believing there was hope that he could live without porn, yet, his wife still wanted nothing to do with him. Scott and I kept praying for their restoration.
Two days before the divorce was to be final, Scott called me, exhilarated. His wife had decided to reconcile and halted the divorce. In the weeks ahead they continued to heal; her attorney filed a motion to dismiss, cancelling the divorce.
God’s heart for every marriage, every heart, is restoration, no matter how dark a place they’re in. He brought every couple together (“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” Matthew 19:6) and is passionate about their relationship. How do I know? Since He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) He is passionate about His marriages. Hatred and love are opposite sides of the same heart.
As I know from experience, it’s hard to receive the message of God’s passionate love for His marriages when the relationship is in turmoil and confusion and the enemy is hurling dart after poison dart of fear, anger, resentment, and hopelessness at the couple.
Or if one of God’s people is monkey-wrenching the relationship.
There are many in Christian circles who have a one-and-done approach to porn or adultery in marriage. I’ve seen posts on social media by well-known counselors with a large following whose advice to the spouse that had been hurt by porn or adultery by their mate was to quit and divorce. I wouldn’t have celebrated my 37th anniversary this year if one-and-done was God’s heart, having used porn often for the early years of my marriage and committing adultery with a prostitute in 1991.
When you’re going through a painful valley in your marriage that involves sexual sin (or really, anything), be very careful with who you allow to speak into your life. If they’re feeding your heart with “divorce him” or “quit,” step back from those friends or counselors so you can hear from God and get His heart, which is:
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” (emphasis mine).
Galatian 6:1
“Anyone” includes everyone in the church (the letter of Galatians was written to the church). Any transgression covers a lot of sin.
(Disclaimer: This isn’t to say that if a spouse is physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abusive and has no intent to change that the spouse who’s being hurt should stay in the marriage and take it. Spiritual abuse in the church, which is widespread, occurs when a spouse who’s being hurt, often the wife, is told by a spiritual authority she should submit to her husband and give him complete freedom to treat her like garbage. We should never condone or enable abuse.)
God’s heart for everyone, married or single, is restoration. Remember this, especially when you’ve failed and the enemy is slinging mud at you while screaming that you should quit.
Why am I/we struggling so much, you might ask? While there can be a number or reasons, let me give you a few to consider.
* You’re in a spiritual firefight and are getting your butt kicked. There are many secular Christians (including counselors) and churches out there who barely touch the topic of spiritual warfare. I’ve encountered the blank look plenty of times when I’ve talked to a believer about warfare. They live life on what they can see, not understanding that the spiritual realm is more powerful than the physical side. They have little spiritual discernment; their prayer life is a reflection of that. You may not be getting breakthroughs because you’re not standing up and fighting and/or you haven’t been equipped.
“While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:18
You’re not willing to turn away from sin.
You won’t surrender your life and release the control to God.
Your prayer life is little to non-existent.
You get angry at God when life is hard and are camping in the field of resentment and unbelief.
You refuse to forgive and are holding onto bitterness, which is an open door for the enemy to wreak havoc on your life and that of your loved ones.
You’re isolated and have no support from other believers.
Self is on the throne of your heart.
You’ve had deep wounds for decades that your heart is crying out for healing but you’ve been ignoring it.
You’re living a double life, trying to get as much pleasure and entertainment as you can while attempting to squeeze God into the narrow gaps that remain.
If reading the above surfaced a reminder of an action step God has been calling you to take, don’t wait another minute. Do it now.
No matter where you or your marriage are today, God’s heart is for restoration. We all have blind spots, struggle with our flesh and the enemy, and need God’s help, strength, forgiveness, and healing. Life is confusing at times. Mistakes, pain, and failure are stepping-stones to growth and wisdom, not the end of the game.
My friends, restoration usually takes place with another believer who can walk with us and help us see our blind spots, as Scott’s story shows.
That’s what we’re here for at Blazing Grace – your restoration. Reach out and respond to this email if you want help.
“Your restoration is what we pray for.”
2 Corinthians 13:9
Speaking of Scott, 6 months later he and his wife drove out to Colorado Springs and we all had lunch. It was beautiful to see the glow on their faces.
“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” (emphasis mine).
2 Corinthians 13:11
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
James 5:16
Questions about Prayer
Several years ago I attended what was being promoted as an all-day prayer event for ministry leaders. The event was held in a large room in an upscale hotel. I had visions of everyone on their knees, praying and crying out to God for hours as the Presence of God descended on everyone and we were weeping and praising God with joy.
When the worship band took the stage in the morning, I knew that wasn’t happening. During the day there were speakers, including ministry leaders sharing about their ministries, and more from the worship band. There was a break-out where everyone shared and prayed for each other, but that was about it outside of an occasional short prayer from the stage.
Who killed the prayer meeting?
Why can’t we devote an entire Sunday service to prayer once every 6-8 weeks?
Why has prayer, the barometer of every believer and church’s spiritual power and effectiveness, been sidelined?
Why can’t we have silence in church without the worship band playing?
Been to a prayer meeting lately?
