I walked away from the church and God.
This morning, the Lord reminded me of a critical part of my burnout and people-pleasing story. He reminded me of when I left the church and checked out on Him for almost a year and a half.
I am not ashamed of this experience. I thought it was necessary at the time. I just never thought much about how that season of my life shared my journey and current relationship with God. And so, I’ve shared it publicly.
In 2017, in the midst of my first burnout, I walked away from the church. I was unsure I would ever return. I lied when I gave my membership renouncement letter to my pastor at the time. I told her I was leaving because I was working at a new location and I had found a church there that I wanted to become more involved in. She gave me her blessing.
The truth was, I checked out of church a year before I handed in that letter. I was working in a new location but I hadn’t found a church. I just needed a break from “church” as I knew it to be. I was exhausted by the responsibilities and the expectations for me to show and use my gifts to serve. I was tired of Sundays where I left my house at 9:30am but would not return home until after 3:00pm, exhausted. I was exhausted that I was always on the go on Sundays. I taught Sunday School, I led the Praise and Worship Team and then would sing on the choir before doing stuff in the youth ministry after church. That was just Sunday. I had other church responsibilities during the week!
I was tired of having questions nobody seemed to have answers to. I felt alone in a large group of people who “needed” me and my gifts but did not truly see me. I was tired of feeling like I could not say “no”. I was exhausted from living my double-life of barely coping but smiling every day as I dealt with a porn, masturbation and literotica addiction. I was just plain out tired of being tired.
After almost 10 years as a Christian and such heavy participation in ministry, I did not know the God that everyone talked about. I did not know the God I taught about and worshipped. I knew all the bible stories of Him but I did not know Him. Everyone talked about Him and you’d feel good after a jump-up-and-down service and a feel-good sermon but I did not know Him. I experienced Him but He felt like a distance third cousin. I could not feel Him. I sometimes secretly pondered if He really existed. If He did, why didn’t He see me and deliver me from my troubles?
Those were the thoughts I entertained after being a Christian for almost 10 years. And so, I walked away when the opportunity presented itself. I needed answers. I didn’t know where to find them. But I knew I wouldn’t find them if I stayed where I was. A few days later I left for my first solo cruise. For the first time in a long time I felt truly free.
After I left the church, I didn’t check out on the “christian” routine of “relationship with God” immediately. Truth be told, I did not have much of a routine. I was never much of a prayer but I did read my bible often enough. Eventually, I stopped doing even that. I stopped doing everything connected to God. I checked out on God and descended into a state of limbo.
That was the season when I tried a lot of things the church told me I shouldn’t do with no explanation. If I didn’t feel convicted about it and felt like doing it, I did it.
I remained in that state until August 2019 when my mindless Facebook scroll brought me to a sermon clip from Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church. I don’t remember what the clip was about but I do remember that it was the first time in a long time I heard a Christian talk about their struggles with such humbleness, openness and transparency. It felt real. I was intrigued. I started consuming more and more of his content before I found myself tuning into his church sermons weekly.
By December 2019, I joined one of Transformation Church’s small groups. And for the first time ever, I experienced what it was like to have a community who heard from God and held you accountable. I am still connected to some of those women even to this day.
Even during that season, I still pretended about my relationship with God. I pretended to be happy and satisfied with the life I was building. I was quite good at lying to myself, God and others about where I was truly at. I heard Him better but I did not know Him. People experienced my spiritual gifts of teaching, prophecy and words of wisdom and knowledge and assumed God and I were close but that was far from the truth.
Our relationship did not change until I almost lost my mind and life in early 2020. That’s when I truly started questioning my purpose. That’s when I got transparent about exactly where I was at. That’s when I admitted that I needed something more than I could do. I had tried everything else but was still miserable and lost on a soul level. That’s when I decided to give God a chance to prove that He was real. I wanted to see if He could be “Chanel’s God”. He more than proved that He could. We have an ongoing 1:1 relationship and I do the things I do today because of it.
I’ve yet to return to a physical church but I do recognize that I am a part of the CHURCH – a group of imperfect people who love God, reflect His heart for His people and who God partners with daily.
Why this share today? When God reminded me of my story this morning, He invited me to share it with you. I don’t know where you are at in your journey. Maybe you are like I was – dissatisified with “church culture” and questioning God’s existence. Maybe you’ve served and served the church and you are tired of putting yourself last. Maybe you’ve been hurt by the church and so you walked away. Maybe you walked away years ago and vowed never to come back. I don’t know where you are at but you do.
I want you to hear the story of someone who is on the other side of that journey. I want you to know that God loves you deeply. He desires relationship with you. He is seriously one of the koolest dudes you will ever be in relationship with and He has plans for you. Plans that will show you you, show you Him and show you who you were made to be. Take a chance on Him today. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
Thank you for stopping by. I would love to pray with you. Drop me an email here or at discoverbydesign@outlook.com.
If you are tired of putting yourself on the backburner of your life, I invite you to check out my book “In Search of the Pink Flamingo“. God inspired me to openly share journey and the practical cheatsheet keys He gave me that you use to get free from the weight of everyone’s expectations and gain the confidence to own your voice and stop putting yourself, needs and desire last. You can also join the Pink Flamingo Way Movement here.
“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you His favour and give you peace” – Numbers 6: 23-26
XOXO
Chañel
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Chañel Robe View All →
As a 2x burnout survivor & former people-pleaser, I am a speaker, author & passionate advocate for serving others while honoring yourself. I’m the owner of The Robe Way & an authority on achieving customer success with less work. I help business owners run profitable, impactful businesses & maintain client relationships without sacrificing personal boundaries or quality of life. On a regular day, you’ll find me traveling, belting out random songs, smiling contagiously, or lifting others up.
