Oh, the self-righteous, religious pricks! - Divorce Minister

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? … Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye…”

– Matthew 7:3, 5a, NLT

When I was going through my trials, I had no shortage of religious people willing to “help” me see my “sin” or “contributions” to the destruction of my marriage.

Even when my ex’s adultery became clear, some of these “helpful” individuals held fast to their positions trying to stay “neutral.” Worse, some went blamed me full bore for the end of my marriage.

It was not pleasant.

I encourage strongly enforced boundaries with these individuals…

Keep them at a distance if they have demonstrated a critical, condemning spirit in your life.

For if it was life-giving criticism from God, it would not be crushing or condemning (see post here).

Whatever you do, do not open your hearts up to them (again)!

By participating in perpetuating the “Shared Responsibilities Lie” or blaming you for the adulterous ending of your marriage, they are demonstrating a fleshly–or possibly even demonic–mindset bent on continuing lies and your destruction. It is best to shut such actors out of your life before they cause you any more damage.

Let me expose one possible way these self-righteous, religious individuals may try to penetrate your healthy boundaries:

They may come to you as a Christian brother or sister (or leader) stating you owe them access to your life’s darkest and deepest secrets.

You do not owe them access to your life just because they claim the title “Christian.”

They need to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust (or rebuild trust, if they have already broken it). After all, even Jesus did not share all His secrets with everyone–blood family included–as He walked this earth.

Now, with self-righteous, religious pricks, you might find resistance to your boundary setting in these matters.

They may try to make you talk by suggesting you are a “bad Christian” (or have the “wrong” theology) for denying them access to your life.

Do not buy it!

Such accusations are manipulation techniques designed to push your buttons to get you to open up and expose your vulnerabilities to them. It is not about them caring but rather about them gaining power over you.

Do not give them that power!

My last encounter with a particularly onerous, self-righteous actor in my trial ended with me telling him that I did not recognize his authority over my life.

I gave him some pertinent Scripture and a theological article to help him address a heretical view that he held regarding the covenant of marriage. Then I walked away even as he tried to lecture me that my theology was wrong. I have not heard from him since that encounter.

As a lay person, he wanted to lecture a Yale-educated pastor about my “sin” while he, himself, was supporting his family member’s adulterous lifestyle and sinful decision to divorce me. This was a serious case of log-stuck-in-the-eye.

Set the boundaries. Some people will not like it.

Do it anyways.

You do not have to be mean about it.

Be truthful and direct.

Then walk away.

You do not need their approval when you have God’s.

*A version of this post ran previously.

Post navigation

Give

Subscribe to the Daybreak Devotions for Women

Be inspired by God's Word every day! Delivered to your inbox.


More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    Buzz words of dismissal - Divorce Minister

    “Defensive,” “Over sensitive,” “emotional,” “up in your feelings,” etc. These are the sort of labels people make of victims in order to avoid the awkward work of looking at the actual misbehavior. It’s very dismissive of the pain faithful spouses are experiencing to treat them like this. I have experienced labels like these over the … Continue reading "Buzz words of dismissal"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    Cheater-Speak: "I think it's best..." - Divorce Minister

    “I think it’s best for both of us if we live apart.” -Cheater A Cheater saying something like this is a Cheater planning on abandoning the faithful spouse. Now, they may or may not be self-aware about this. It is possible that they are so self-deceived that they believe the lie about the separation benefits. … Continue reading "Cheater-Speak: “I think it’s best…”"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    In Mammon they trust! - Divorce Minister

    24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Matthew 6:24, KJV 24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will … Continue reading "In Mammon they trust!"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Conflicted Feelings at Reunion - Divorce Minister

    I wrote this a few years ago reflecting on a college reunion. In fact, this week will be my 20th Reunion! Today, I thankfully feel less entwined with those contrasting feelings since I have been back to the city of my alma mater a few more times with Mrs. DM. Obviously, a version of this … Continue reading "Conflicted Feelings at Reunion"

    3 min read
  • featureImage

    Happy Father's Day, Faithful Spouses! - Divorce Minister

    Happy Father’s Day, Faithful Spouses! Father’s Day is a complicated holiday for many. To me, it represents a restored dream. When my first marriage ended, I was left wondering if I would ever get to be a father. God answered that question in affirmative when I married Mrs. DM becoming an instant father to her … Continue reading "Happy Father’s Day, Faithful Spouses!"

    1 min read

Editor's Picks

More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    Buzz words of dismissal - Divorce Minister

    “Defensive,” “Over sensitive,” “emotional,” “up in your feelings,” etc. These are the sort of labels people make of victims in order to avoid the awkward work of looking at the actual misbehavior. It’s very dismissive of the pain faithful spouses are experiencing to treat them like this. I have experienced labels like these over the … Continue reading "Buzz words of dismissal"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    Cheater-Speak: "I think it's best..." - Divorce Minister

    “I think it’s best for both of us if we live apart.” -Cheater A Cheater saying something like this is a Cheater planning on abandoning the faithful spouse. Now, they may or may not be self-aware about this. It is possible that they are so self-deceived that they believe the lie about the separation benefits. … Continue reading "Cheater-Speak: “I think it’s best…”"

    1 min read
  • featureImage

    In Mammon they trust! - Divorce Minister

    24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Matthew 6:24, KJV 24 “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will … Continue reading "In Mammon they trust!"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Conflicted Feelings at Reunion - Divorce Minister

    I wrote this a few years ago reflecting on a college reunion. In fact, this week will be my 20th Reunion! Today, I thankfully feel less entwined with those contrasting feelings since I have been back to the city of my alma mater a few more times with Mrs. DM. Obviously, a version of this … Continue reading "Conflicted Feelings at Reunion"

    3 min read
  • featureImage

    Happy Father's Day, Faithful Spouses! - Divorce Minister

    Happy Father’s Day, Faithful Spouses! Father’s Day is a complicated holiday for many. To me, it represents a restored dream. When my first marriage ended, I was left wondering if I would ever get to be a father. God answered that question in affirmative when I married Mrs. DM becoming an instant father to her … Continue reading "Happy Father’s Day, Faithful Spouses!"

    1 min read