Sunday DV Bible Study: Introduction Session - The DV Walking Wounded

***TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post speaks about physical abuse, physical harm, and murder. Please take extreme care when reading!***

A few weeks ago, I posted a blog entry, entitled: “God Hates Divorce, But He Hates Abuse MORE.” I wanted to explore that in-depth, every Sunday, according to the Bible, specifically utilizing the passages that the blog posting mentioned (and there were 100 of them!). However, first things first! Let’s look at God’s Law: The Ten Commandments. Abusers violate multiple Commandments constantly. Here they are in text and in plain language (Exodus 20:3-17):

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet (your neighbor’s wife or property)

So, I want to be clear…I am basing this on my Abuser’s behavior, but have extensively studied narcissism, so my statements just happen to have a “case study” to it, LOL. I’m going to break this down, one by one, as to how abusers tear down God’s Law, so God has no respect for them. Because negating a contract’s “terms of service,” makes it null-and-void legally, now doesn’t it? The contract I am referring to is marriage. If they don’t honor it, it, in effect, no longer exists and a divorce finalizes said Covenant. I am applying these things to my personal situation, so I hope you may see some similarity in yours or it make you start to question things, as you think on this article!

Commandment 1: You shall have no other gods before Me: Well, I’m probably not telling anything you aren’t familiar with, if you have been in an abusive relationship/marriage. The abuser gets to the point where they believe they are God. They rule the household, the decide who comes and goes, they dictate the mood, they limit family/friends, they control the flow of money, they decide what the household believes and participates in…the list is endless, really. They become lord of the manor, eventually with the opinion they have the Authority of God. During my active abuse, I prayed constantly, without ceasing, for God to end my captivity and my suffering. I even welcomed death, if it meant my children would be safe. Consider Commandment 1 violated by the abuser!

Commandment 2: You shall not make idols: Same reasoning as with Commandment 1. Abusers want to be idolized and satiated, their every whim in fact. They make themselves the idol that they don’t even respect. Another violation of the Commandments!

Commandment 3: You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: I cannot speak for all abusers on this one, as some portray to be “godly” persons and wield it over their household constantly; however, mine cursed and used God’s name in vain, specifically because he knew I was a spiritual woman. He would tell me after I received physical rebuke to call upon God, and would then mock me while I cried. I feel like that applies in this circumstance, especially if he believed he was God…to me, he was Satan’s consort, honestly.

Commandment 4: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy: My Abuser saw weekends as “his” time. It didn’t matter that I wanted to go to service or take the kids to Sunday school. For a time, he allowed it, because he slept in and I could go and do that freely. After a while, however, he decided we were all going to work like slaves on whatever he said. I am always okay with getting things done on the weekends, that we couldn’t get done during the week, due to work/school obligations, but my preference was Saturdays. I love to be leisurely on Sundays, in order to rest and recharge for the upcoming week. Not him. Not ever. Since he ultimately thought he was God, Sunday was “his” day to do with as he wished. Period. I got to a point where I would wake up early, just to read the Bible for a bit or pray.

Commandment 5: Honor your father and your mother: I would call my parents weekly (we lived 450 miles away from them) to talk and check-in. It would never fail, I’d have things done, all was quiet, and I’d call to chat with them for about 45 minutes to an hour. It was as if he had some sort of weird bat-radar, but he’d come and interrupt me about something that could’ve waited, or want to get super-hyper affectionate with me — anything to distract me from just visiting with them over the phone. He had no honor for my parents, or his own, for that matter. His mother was just someone who gave him life and could watch the kids for us when he wanted to go out. He had NO respect for anyone’s role, except for his. My parents were SO glad when he was out of my life. My Father told me that he could see my personality coming back and he was thankful!

Commandment 6: You shall not murder: My Abuser attempted to kill me. I do believe that physical harm is in this Commandment, by proxy. Because our abusers ultimately know that on-going harm can lead to death — especially the angrier they become as the relationship progresses. My Abuser would systematically “play” strangle me when we were intimate. In hindsight, I feel like he was working up the courage to kill me, to see if he could actually do it. I had the privledge of meeting the families of those who didn’t survive, recently, at a DVAM rally. Abusers think they are “above the law,” so why should this apply to them too? This. THIS is a major violation. They are NOT God and they do not get to say who lives and who dies. Abomination!

Commandment 7: You shall not commit adultery: Many, many abusers commit adultery in search of their next “supply,” that is when [you] are getting wise to them and pulling away or are leaving completely. Many abusers do this when in a committed relationship, to see what they can get away with and to see what sexual depravity can be had “in greener pastures” (so they think). Their adultery starts with messaging other “potentials” and having emotional affairs against whom they are currently with (and abusing). Marriages fail and have rough patches, but if a person is unhappy and things can not be resolved, LEAVE, do not cheat. I thought my then-husband and I had that understanding, but the rules did NOT apply to him. However, he constantly accused me of cheating and threatened my life if I ever cheated and/or left. He had already broken this covenant several times, before I left, never apologizing — only denying and gaslighting. It’s pretty bad when the others that he cheated with messaged me, apologizing, telling me they did NOT know he was married. THAT, I believe. I never could believe what he said about that subject. I always knew in my heart, but could never really prove it.

Commandment 8: You shall not steal: He stole my self-worth, he stole my time, he stole my physical health. I could go on and on about that, but he stole SO much more. So many times, when I had an item that I cherished, he would steal it by either destroying it, hiding it and watching me scour the house, or give it away to one of his adulterous partners. We were friends with an adult couple a long time ago. We ate at their house or they ate at ours, we’d go to the movies occassionally on a double-date, etc. After having our second baby, my camera started having issues, so he bought me an instamatic one with auto zoom so I could catch all of her cute expressions. It was very distinct and one one that was available in our local area, as he had bought it over an hour from our house at a camera shop. I was constantly taking pictures and would place my camera in a specific place when not in use, ready for any cuteness that would happen when we got home. One day, she was smiling, so I ran to grab my camera, but it wasn’t there. When I asked him about it, he told me he had no idea and I should take better care of the gifts that he bought me. I went crazy, tearing apart my house over several days. It was never found. We also, mysteriously, quit hanging out with that one couple, as he stated he and the other gentleman had a falling out (they worked together). A few year later, I reconnected with the wife of that couple, at a soccer practice, as our children were on the same team. At first, I was delighted…then, I noticed something. She was taking pictures with a camera identical to the one of mine that was missing. I found out years after that encounter, that my Abuser and she had a one-night stand, so I am assuming he gave her that camera as a way to buy her silence. I can also assume that her husband found out and threatened my Abuser to stay away from his wife. SO many Commandments broken in this instance, so many things stolen!

Commandment 9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor: I really feel like this is “false witness” against anyone! Abusers have a way of deflection and stating things about others, that are untrue, in order to taint how their victim views that person. Heck, my Abuser used to bear false witness against me, stating that I was constantly cheating on him or doing things to make him look like the victim. Lies, lies, and more lies!

Commandment 10: You shall not covet (your neighbor’s wife or property): My Abuser ALWAYS wanted what others had. However, if he got it, he was never satisfied. I have lost count of the many times he would tell guy-friends how “hot” their wives were, then berated me because I didn’t dress like that or wasn’t made up enough. I had to constantly hear how “unfair” that it was that a co-worker or friend had something he didn’t, or got a promotion or a praise that HE was actually due. Life was SO unfair to him! I could tell him that we could work toward whatever it was and to be grateful for what we had, but it was NEVER enough for him. Never! There is a distinction between being somewhat envious and being out-right jealous. He was many times jealous of my accomplishments!

I hope you will be able to look at your former relationship through God’s Law. I know the Lord puts people together in order to temper each other and learn from one another, but there is still human “free will” at play. The Abuser decides they do not want to change and they will not learn a lesson from anything or be grateful for anything granted. This is how I know God hates Abuse more than divorce. You are perfect in God’s Eyes and only He gets to dictate blessings and happenings, your life in His Divine Hands. Abusers evoke evil and seem soulless. God wants you safe and happy.

Love and light and peace! <3