The Four R’s of Intentional Speech - Amy Hughes — Carol McLeod Ministries
Growing up in California, my classmates and I learned the environmental three R’s- recycle, reduce, reuse. During this part of the curriculum, we went on a field trip to the dump and the local recycling center. The highlight of the field trip was watching from the school bus windows as a dump truck ran over and smashed a washing machine while Adam the metalhead played Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” on his Walkman.
When we’re learning to become intentional with our words, it’s helpful to remember another set of four R’s- rethink, replace, reframe, and repair. These four R’s provide a formula we can use to explore any common word, phrase, or way of speech so that we can minimize negative and confusing language.
Through the course of this book, we’re going to consider a number of areas, including positive speech, different ways of talking to children, and specific words and phrases to stop using and start using. The four R’s can help as we consider each topic and learn to use life-giving speech with our children.
Rethink
Developing the habit of rethinking words and phrases can help you move away from simply doing things the way they’ve always been done and saying things the way they’ve always been said.
Rethinking is just a pause. It’s discernment. It’s remembering to question what you’re saying or doing, to ask yourself why. Sometimes you’ll find that you have a good answer and you decide to keep that phrase or action in your habits. Other times you’ll discover that there’s no reason except that it just comes naturally-- it’s kind of built into you. It’s not easy to change the things you habitually say, but becoming aware that something needs to change is the first step in preparing to do the hard work of changing it.
Replace
Replacement is essential when you’re working on changing your speech patterns. If you don’t have some idea of what you’re going to say or do instead, you’ll most likely just fall back into your old language. It’s kind of like how they say that in order to stop a bad habit, you need to replace it with a good one.
To be intentional means to think things out in advance. So, when you’re replacing terms, you’re thinking about what you’re going to say instead… in advance.
After rethinking a phrase and deciding to remove it from the language you use, decide what to replace it with. (And yes, replacing it with silence is definitely acceptable; sometimes it may just be the only right answer.)
Reframe
Sometimes after rethinking, you realize you don’t necessarily need to replace a phrase but you do need to reframe how you use it. Reframing means offering the word or phrase with a new perspective or in a new way.
If replacement is all about what, reframing is all about how.
You may have something valid and important to say, but your context or delivery negates the point and causes problems. Instead of just replacing the phrase, you can find a way to reframe it and bring something positive to your message. You might decide to reframe something by
changing your tone
saying it to your child privately instead of around others
minimizing potential causes of shame
sharing the same thought with a different example.
Repair
Repair is the apology, the words of repentance that you utter to your children, the honest admission, the place of reconnection.
You’re a human being with your own thoughts, feelings, and triggers-- and despite all of your striving, you’re going to yell, say the wrong thing, and mess up sometimes.
When that happens, humble yourself and apologize to your kids. Apologies are healing both for those who give them and those who receive them. They help children move on from the negative feelings associated with whatever happened or whatever was said.
There are many parents out there who refuse to apologize to their kids. A friend in his twenties recently told me that when he was a kid his mom would yell at him all the time over little mistakes he made, and she never--not once--apologized to him. He said that he grew up thinking he was dumb and has always second-guessed himself. My heart just broke for him. And my heart broke for his mama too.
The broken and the hurt can be mended when we repair.
As we go through this journey of words and discover what encourages and discourages, helps and harms, we need to always remember to repair, to move toward healing and connection.
