The Question for Couples
A husband and wife are in my office. They’re in the recovery process from the husband’s sexual sin and we’re walking through some issues. I hit them with The Question.
“When is the last time the two of you went out on a date? Or better yet, gone away for a night alone?”
More often than not, there is a blank look on their faces. Like I’m talking in a foreign language. They look at each other, confused. Their faces betray their thoughts: “What is he talking about? Married people aren’t supposed to have fun.” Without them saying a word, I know the answer is that it’s been a long time.
Sometimes when we’re in the recovery process it’s easy to spend way too much time in the deep end of the pool. Lots of counseling, groups, and books, with more of the same on tap for next week. Those are critical parts, but it is possible to get so mired in the recovery stuff that we miss out on the simple things that are just as important – and powerful – like learning to be a friend, enjoying our spouse’s company over a meal during a night out, holding hands while watching the sun go down, and burning up the sheets with sexual fire.
You don’t even have to be in the recovery process to miss out on these blessings. The crazy-go-round of the mad life we’re living, coupled with smartphone addiction, is enough to choke anyone’s relationship.
Let’s get back to the basics.
You didn’t get married because you wanted to spend hours studying recovery books, hours and thousands of dollars in counseling, or attend so many support groups a week that your group buddies know you better than your spouse. (Disclaimer: I’m not talking to those who aren’t getting any help at all and are expecting silver bullet verses and lightning strikes from above to change their situation, while complaining that God never does anything for them. You know who you are.) It may have been awhile, but at some point you and your spouse kindled a romance, a love relationship. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You laughed, you had fun, and you enjoyed being with your spouse. The sex was great.
When I ask The Question, I’m pointing the couple back to why they got married. Sometimes I’ll hear “we’re too busy to go out on a date or away for a night alone,” to which I might say “You’re right, you are too busy; your priorities are off.” We’ll then brainstorm some ideas and come up with a plan for how they can make it happen.
We do the things we want to. When we’re motivated to make our marriage a priority, we will. I want to get them away, alone, and in bed. As soon and as often as possible. I’m not talking about sleeping here.
One of the great tragedies of porn addiction is that it reverses the sex drive so that the man wants porn more than he wants sex with his wife. I’ve known couples who hadn’t had sex for years because the husband’s brain chemistry and character were so rotted out from porn that he stopped chasing his wife for sex.
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
1 Corinthians 7:5
Married couples are commanded to have sex. I like the Proverbs version better:
“Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.”
Proverbs 5:18-19
And then there’s Solomon’s bride’s invitation to him in the Song of Solomon –
“Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.”
Song of Solomon 4:16
Her “garden” is poetic Bible speak for her body – an invitation to her husband to revel in sex with her.
God makes it clear in His word that sex is His wonderful, exhilarating gift to a husband and wife, and they are to engage in it. Sex is for marriage only – sex outside of marriage is sin.
Before I go on, porn and adultery are sex killers. When trust has been shattered and the offending spouse is continuing to willfully engage in sexual sin without showing remorse and getting help, space and time are needed for the healing process. Using these verses to manipulate their wife into sex is spiritual and emotional abuse. There’s a lot of spiritual abuse in the church where the wife is told to submit to her husband and give him sex no matter what he’s doing. This is damaging and communicates the message to her that her heart doesn’t matter.
Wherever you are, the idea here is to point married couples toward having fun and firing up their sex life as soon as possible. If you’re stuck, ask God for His power and help in moving you past the obstacles. Or reach out to us for help. Before marriage, Satan tries to get the couple in bed as much as possible, then after marriage he works to keep the couple away from sex so he might cause a drift that distances husband and wife from each other. This gives the enemy an opening where he can cause more havoc and friction in their relationship. Among other blessings, the bonding force of sex is given the married couple to keep them fastened together, body, heart, and spirit.
Married couples, if I were to ask you The Question, what would your answer be? When is the last time you went away alone? Or set the sheets on fire?
