“You know that you’re toxic.” — Peyton Garland
Maybe it’s the “Free Brittany” craze going on—which, by the way, I am all for—or maybe it’s thanks to several people speaking out about poisonous relationships lately, but this idea of spiritual, deep-rooted toxicity won’t let up in my brain. (And if you aren’t sure what Brittany Spears has to do with toxicity, then clearly, you never sported roll-on grape lipgloss, metallic slap bracelets, neon scrunchies—or listened to her infamous song, “Toxic”.)
I guess I can’t let go of this theme because I know what it means to be in a toxic relationship; I understand what it means to trust another set of eyes that will never see past their own selfish desires, another set of sweet words that would later root bitterness in my heart. Meanwhile, I admit to contributing as the toxic person in a relationship or two…
Ghosting a guy who had done nothing wrong all because the guy who had done something wrong came back for round 3? Been there.
Strung a guy along because I was lonely and because he had enough money to pay for roasted duck and beef tip medallion dates? Done that.
I learned that white lies work like rusty-needle stitches. They hold the wound together, looking mediocre and safe from the outside, but deep down on the inside, infection has started settling in. It’ll take some time, but the infection will surface, causing the blood to poison, threatening life itself, and while this spiritual, emotional toxicity isn’t attached to any sort of biological contamination, there’s nothing that spreads quite as fast.
For most of us, it’s not on purpose. We don’t thrive off of hurting others, but it’s so much easier to pass along the toxicity rather than to clean it and cure it within ourselves. But the kicker is this: we can’t cure toxicity on our own. It requires self to give way to Spirit and demands that we trade fast fixes for honesty.
“You know you’re tired of this.” That’s what the Spirit whispers. “You have to be exhausted.”
And we are tired. We know we’re worn out from becoming the very thing that we hate. Yet, until we’re ready to hand over our hurt and accept that love and trust are inseparable, we’ll always be infected and we’ll always pass it on to people who didn’t deserve it.
So here’s my confession: I know I’ve been toxic. I know I’ve passed the poison from my hurt heart and created it in another. But I can promise you that there is freedom from feeling poisoned from the inside out. There’s freedom from the lies and bitterness that threaten to take us under. And it comes from letting your past be placed into the hands of the One who wants to introduce your present to a trust and love that will sustain your future.
It’s not easy giving self over for Spirit, but I dare you to try it.
Try it, and let me know how it goes.
Peyton Garland
Peyton Garland is an author who uses her OCD, disdain for legalism, and obsession with Jesus rap to showcase just how good God's goodness is. She's a wife and puppy momma who's on a constant journey to accept God's grace and her trial-and-error heart.
