Expectation vs Entitlement — Colorfull Bloom

When you were a little kid did you ever daydream about what you wanted your life to look like? “One day I want ________ !” You’ve probably filled that blank in with anything and everything. Oh, the endless possibilities when you’re nine. All the Lisa Frank stickers. Puppies. Be famous. Endless N.K.O.T.B. swag. A date with Mike Seaver. Fast forward to your twenties. Late twenties. Thirties. Forties. Mid-fifties. Sixties. Seventies. Wherever you fall on the age spectrum, what do you dream of now? Maybe it’s a dream nobody knows about but you. Maybe it’s something you’ve believed for, and knew it was just a matter of time before it came to pass. Maybe it’s dreams for your children. Or parents. Things you’ve visualized in your head, and held tightly with your heart. Seasons of waiting are difficult and frustrating. And I seemed to constantly ask God the same question over and over. “When?” Then he brought to my attention that some of the things I’ve wanted in my life weren’t expectations at all—but things I felt entitled to. With literally no cognizance whatsoever, my heart dwelled in a place where what I hoped for, and what I felt was owed to me was very blurry. It’s a dangerous place where I found a lot of disappointment.

Entitlement is belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. So here was me: I’ve worked hard, I should have what I want. I obey the rules, so like, where’s my reward for that? I’ve been praying and believing God for so long. He should give it to me, right? God, when will you answer my prayer? I deserve it, and I should have it just because I want it. At one time or another, I thought every single one of those reasons were perfectly valid. One of the scary things that happens with entitlement is that we have no idea it’s there. We just go about life, living in a constant state of waiting for what’s owed to us. While time marches on we find ourselves becoming disappointed because this “thing” hasn’t happened for me yet. Therefore, I can’t fully enjoy life or the season I’m in now. Because said “thing” needs to happens for me first. That’s the order in which I’d like my life to go, please and thank you. So we completely miss out on appreciating all of the wow in our now. We pretend to be content, but deep down our disappointment begins to gnaw at our faith, and we begin to doubt God. And whether we’re aware or not, we’re deceived in a lie that God isn’t good.

Am I saying it’s bad to look forward to things we want? Of course not. That would be insane. God wants to bless us. It’s in His nature to give his children good things. There was a time where my heart desired a lot of things. And therein lies where I went wrong in my approach. My heart. It was beat up and callused. One of the most important things we as believers have to do is constantly check the status of our hearts. One of my favorite scriptures in Proverbs says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I had to figure out the root of why I wanted certain things. Oh, roots, they’re so important to pay attention to. My brokenness was what fed my desires. And my brokenness surely didn’t lead me to anything that could truly repair it. What was my true motivating factor? Was it something genuine in nature? There’s a great list of things that motivate us for the right reasons, but just as long a list are motivations which drive us for the wrong ones. Comparison. Insecurity. Fear. Jealously. To fill a void? To give us value? Check. Check. Check. Check. Check and check.

At the last job I had before my son was born, my title wasn’t as “prestigious sounding” as the job that I had previously left. And boy, I tell you what, appearing less than what I thought I was, was something I did not like at allllll. I enjoyed the view from my horse where I sat high and mighty. It was a crushing blow to my ego, to say the least. There is a 1000% chance I placed my value in my job title—in the things I did, in the title I owned. Sadly, the title owned me. Because of the misplaced value I put in it, it affected me just as much when I no longer had it. My title was gone, therefore so was my value. I believed that I was only as good as what I did.

After God really started working on healing that part of me, He graciously showed me He loved me no matter what I did. My value wasn’t dependent on what I could tell people I did for a living. He loved me simply because I was his daughter, and for that reason alone. And guess what? Now, I’m a stay-at-home-mama. One of the most undervalued titles of all time! Ha! God’s funny like that, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that’s not everybody’s path. God calls all of us to different things at different seasons in our lives, and everyone has their own unique story. So for the time being, you’ll find me here! My son is definitely the wow in my now.

Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I used to think that scripture meant, “Okay, if I put God first and make Him my first priority, then in fact, I will get what my heart desires.” That seemed like a perfectly good interpretation to me. And a pretty good plan. Then I heard my pastor, Robert Morris, dissect it in a way I had never heard before. What if I delight myself in Him, then in turn, the Lord places His desires in my heart? In other words, instead of it being what I want for me, I ask God to place that longing in me—tailored for me, that He puts there. Say whaaa?!?! My mind was blown when I heard it explained like that, and now I think about that scripture all the time!

The desire that God wants to place in our hearts is the most specifically handcrafted and catered desire each of us can own as individuals. That is pretty cool if you think about it. A desire that serves the purpose of why He created us. It’s an answer to one of the most asked questions, “God, what’s my purpose?” His plan is so much better than any plan I could ever come up with for myself. He knows the number of hairs on my head—off the top of his head! The creator of the universe desires to be included in every aspect of our lives. We’ve got to stop living our lives like we know the best way to navigate through it. His ways are higher than my ways, the book of Isaiah says. He formed me in my mother’s womb (Ps. 139:13). So he knows me better than I know myself. God is a gentleman and He won’t enter any part of our lives He’s not invited into.

Never in a billion years would I have ever thought I’d have a blog. Much less writing about Jesus stuff. Total eye roll, right? I probably would’ve laughed in your face. However, some favorite lyrics come to mind that describe the feelings I’ve had since starting it.

Coincidentally, the song is called ‘Control’ by Mutemath.
—————-
Take control of the atmosphere
Take me far away from here
There is no better loss than to lose myself in you
In a parachute to glide, I am captive in your sky
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

It's such a beautiful surrender
It's such a beautiful surrender
—————-

It’s such a beautiful surrender. I can’t describe it any better than that. Don’t get me wrong, I fought off God for a long time. Longer than I wish I would have. It took a lot of surrendering my own will to get to here. Peace, contentment, and fulfillment feels pretty wonderful. I so distinctly remember journaling year after year, and year after year, “God, there’s got to be more to life than this”, and now I know. Yes, there is.

When we invite God into every area of our hearts, He changes it. He molds it in His hands and leaves His fingerprints behind to prove no one had the ability to get you here, but Him. He alone gets the glory. The desire in my heart to write was not always a part of who I am, and it didn’t come overnight. There were a lot of scary times of stepping out in faith, getting out of my comfort zone, and stepping out again, but God is faithful. Only He can tell us what will bring us fulfillment and makes us feel alive. He’s the only one who knows how we’re wired, because He’s the one who wired us. He’s the only one who understands how our specific personalities, gifts and talents will work together to do what He’s created us to do. We all have a specific reason we’re here, and he wants to share His plans with us, if we would only ask.

The inspiration for this post came from Psalm 130:5, “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits. And in His word I do hope.” Whatever we desire or whatever we grasp for is nothing compared to what God has for us. We could save ourselves a lot of detours and heartache and find our purpose if we would just take a step back and wait on His word to direct us. Sometimes we need to get out of our own way, and let God do what only God can do. His words are what give us hope, and in that hope He gives, we have our expectation. In the seasons where God is too quiet for our liking, it’s tempting to allow ourselves to get distracted by the temporary. But! If we would not grow weary while doing good, in due season we shall reap if we don’t lose heart! (Gal 6:9). When we wait on Him to give us a word, it can change everything, and this hope is an anchor for our soul, sure and steadfast! (Heb 6:19).

Photo by Greg Jeanneau on Unsplash