An Abuser’s Tactics: Guilt Tripping - The DV Walking Wounded:

What exactly is guilt tripping? Well, it does NOT involve fun destinations or frequent flyer miles, with the souvenirs being hurt feelings and self-doubt.

To best delve into this, we must first examine what guilt is. Guilt is that heavy feeling in your chest when you know you’ve done something wrong or hurtful to someone else. It’s like a nagging voice in your head reminding you of your mistake, making you feel forever bad about it. You might feel guilty for lying to a friend, not keeping a promise to a child, or even for accidentally stepping on someone’s toes. It’s that sense of responsibility for causing harm, whether intentional or not, and often drives us to make amends or seek forgiveness. It’s like carrying around a backpack filled with rocks of regret, weighing you down until you find a way to set things right.

So, imagine this scenario: You’re in a relationship with someone who’s using guilt-tripping as a tactic to manipulate you. It’s not always easy to spot at first because guilt-trippers are masters at playing on your emotions and making you feel responsible for their actions or feelings. They are effectively tripping you up by your own sense of guilt, literally!

Abusers often use manipulative tactics to control their victims, and guilt-tripping is a common strategy in their arsenal. Here are some popular things abusers might say, in order to guilt their victims:

• “If you really loved me, you would do [insert action].”
• “I sacrifice so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”
• “You’re the reason I’m unhappy.”
• “I can’t believe you’re choosing [something/someone else] over me.”
• “You’re making me feel worthless/unloved/unwanted.”
• “I did [favor/action] for you, and this is how you treat me?”
• “You’re so selfish for wanting [insert desire/need].”
• “Nobody else would put up with you like I do.”
• “You owe me for everything I’ve done for you.”
• “If you leave me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I might hurt myself.”
• “You will NEVER find someone like me; in fact, you’ll never find anyone else.

These statements are designed to manipulate the victim’s emotions, making them feel guilty and responsible for the abuser’s feelings or actions, more specifically their “unhappiness.” It’s important for victims to recognize these tactics and not internalize the guilt being imposed upon them. The abuser might also bring up past favors or sacrifices they’ve made for you, making you feel like you owe them something in return.

The reasons behind guilt-tripping can vary. Sometimes, it’s a way for the abuser to control the situation and get what they want. Other times, it stems from their own insecurities or need for validation.

The effects of guilt-tripping can be profound. It can erode your self-esteem, making you doubt yourself and your actions. You might find yourself constantly trying to please the abuser to avoid feeling guilty, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and desires.

So, how can you combat these tactics?

1. Recognize the pattern: The first step is to recognize when the guilt-tripping is happening. Pay attention to how you feel after interactions with the person. If you often feel guilty or responsible for their feelings, it’s likely they’re using guilt-tripping tactics. The “you always” or the “you never” statements from the abuser are good indicators that guilting is being served up.
2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Let the person know that you won’t tolerate being guilt-tripped and that it’s not an acceptable way to communicate.
3. Practice self-care: Focus on taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own needs. Build a strong support network of friends and family who can provide perspective and validation. Part of good self-care is forgiving yourself. Give yourself grace when you make a mistake, as you’re not perfect…by doing the next right thing!
4. Challenge the guilt: When the person tries to guilt-trip you, question their statements. Ask yourself if what they’re saying is fair and reasonable. Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for their feelings or actions.
5. Seek professional help: If the guilt-tripping is part of a larger pattern of abuse, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who can provide support and guidance.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you’re treated with respect and kindness. Don’t let guilt-tripping tactics undermine your self-worth or happiness…or even, your SANITY!