An Exchange Regarding Assuming Divorce - Divorce Minister
Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
-Matthew 19:3, NLT
On Monday, I shared a post about how certain lines of questioning cross the line (click here). This inspired the following comment from OKRickety, which I plan on engaging in today’s post. He opens by quoting from my post:
“Adulterous spouses deserve divorce.”
That is a correct statement.
Now, I doubt that you and most of your readers will want to hear this, but I’d like to consider the topic of grace as it relates to adultery. It is true that the penalty in the Mosaic Law for adultery was death by stoning. This certainly would be a removal of sin from the people of Israel. But did Jesus teach that death was the appropriate punishment? In the account of the woman caught in adultery (John 8), Jesus prevented the stoning (if it would have been allowed by the Romans) and told her to go and sin no more. Jesus responded to her sin with grace.
When some Pharisees questioned him on divorce in Matthew 19:7,8, they said Moses commanded divorce, but Jesus said that Moses permitted divorce. In other words, even though divorce may be the ultimate response, it is not the only response. I have little doubt that giving grace to an adulterous spouse, forgiving them, and remaining married to them would be tremendously difficult.
However, I believe that Jesus would want grace and forgiveness to occur only when the sinner was truly repentant.
From what I know of your blog, you and most of your readers do not have repentant spouses/ex-spouses. If they are not repentant on their own, or through the biblical process of spiritual discipline for restoration (Matt. 18:15-17), then I definitely believe that divorce is appropriate.
To summarize, I wanted to consider the New Testament teaching on adultery so that truly repentant, adulterous spouses would be given the opportunity to continue in their marriage. I think that this would be a tremendous example of grace that would be glorifying to God.
For the most part, OKRickety and I are in agreement. Adultery is grounds for Biblical divorce. Someone who commits adultery deserves to be divorce. If ever a faithful spouse does take a cheater back, he or she should only accept back a truly repentant adulterous spouse.
Good.
However, we are in disagreement silently in the application of these principles and the reading of the Matthew 19 text. That matters because I believe this difference feeds into the divorce-shame culture so prevalent still for faithful spouses in evangelical churches.
Let’s dig into the comment:
“Adulterous spouses deserve divorce.”
That is a correct statement.
Good thus far. We are on the same page.
Now, I doubt that you and most of your readers will want to hear this, but I’d like to consider the topic of grace as it relates to adultery. It is true that the penalty in the Mosaic Law for adultery was death by stoning. This certainly would be a removal of sin from the people of Israel.
Uh, oh. Here we start to diverge. First of all, nowhere on my blog do I advocate a return to Old Testament stoning to death of adulterous partners. That is not the point of citing those Old Testament texts. My point is how God views adultery as marriage ending, and ergo, divorce is an acceptable (plus merciful in not killing the adulterous partner) option for faithful followers.
To be clear, I do not advocate for the death penalty here. I simply advocate for the greater principle taught from those Old Testament texts that marriages are effectively viewed as worthy of ending by God when adultery has occurred.
But did Jesus teach that death was the appropriate punishment? In the account of the woman caught in adultery (John 8), Jesus prevented the stoning (if it would have been allowed by the Romans) and told her to go and sin no more. Jesus responded to her sin with grace.
Next, we have a term confusion at work: The correct term to use about Jesus not stoning the woman caught in adultery (John 8) is “mercy.” Mercy is about not getting what we actually deserve. Grace is getting what we do not deserve.
Jesus does not deny the woman deserved to be stoned. He extended mercy by not condemning her to death. In other words, she got to keep her life when she actually deserved to be stoned to death.
Please note:
Nothing is said either way about the fate of her or the other man’s marriage.
When some Pharisees questioned him on divorce in Matthew 19:7,8, they said Moses commanded divorce, but Jesus said that Moses permitted divorce. In other words, even though divorce may be the ultimate response, it is not the only response. I have little doubt that giving grace to an adulterous spouse, forgiving them, and remaining married to them would be tremendously difficult.
Please see the verse quoted at the top of this post.
The debate was over what conditions were acceptable for divorce. It was NOT about whether divorce was ever permissible. That some sort of condition existed was already assumed in this exchange–e.g. adultery.
Assuming divorce as the starting point for situations involving sexual infidelity is just that…a starting point.
With this assumed, one can grasp how merciful and gracious a decision a faithful spouse makes to stay with such a repentant individual. Without it as the starting point, the cheater is taught he or she is owed the marriage reconciliation when God teaches no such thing as I read the Bible (e.g. Mt 1:19).
However, I believe that Jesus would want grace and forgiveness to occur only when the sinner was truly repentant.
From what I know of your blog, you and most of your readers do not have repentant spouses/ex-spouses. If they are not repentant on their own, or through the biblical process of spiritual discipline for restoration (Matt. 18:15-17), then I definitely believe that divorce is appropriate.
We agree on all these points.
To summarize, I wanted to consider the New Testament teaching on adultery so that truly repentant, adulterous spouses would be given the opportunity to continue in their marriage. I think that this would be a tremendous example of grace that would be glorifying to God.
Jesus gives faithful spouses permission to divorce a sexually unfaithful spouse (e.g. Mt 5:32 and 19:9). Whether or not a faithful spouse exercises that permission is up to him/her. Jesus does not shame someone who chooses to divorce under those circumstances.
Divorcing a cheater is not sin regardless of the state of repentance demonstrated by the unfaithful party.
Jesus was addressing those parties in Matthew 19 who were using divorce too lightly. He denied that any reason is acceptable to divorce for a faithful follower of God.
For example, one is not given permission to divorce if one is just generally unhappy with one’s spouse or even disagrees with one’s spouse over whether or not to have children. I see nowhere in Scripture that as a biblical grounds. To initiate a divorce with only those reasons would be sin.
We are close in are assessment, but we do diverge in the place of application.
Many of us–present company included–have felt the pressure to take back a cheating spouse even if we really had no say in the matter. Most resources insist upon that as a Christian duty–often with no regard to requiring the cheater to repent. They fail to take Jesus’ permission to divorce a sexually unfaithful spouse seriously.
In reality, such teachings totally obliterate any hope for mercy and grace by making the marriage restoration mandatory per Christian duty. Gifts are not mandatory–i.e. grace. If divorce is not deserved for cheating, then it is not a mercy to choose to avoid divorcing the cheater either.
Bottom line:
