There was nothing unusual about the apostle Paul writing a letter. Yet, this one was different. He was not writing to correct a church’s erring doctrine or to intervene in their internal disputes; he was not writing to encourage a fledgling pastor or to thank a congregation for their gift. This time he was writing to make a personal appeal on behalf of a surprising individual: a slave. 

Onesimus had run away from Philemon and found his way to Paul under house-arrest in Rome. Not surprisingly, Paul had led this fugitive to Christ and began to disciple him. A man whose owner would once have described him as “useless” (Philem. 11) had become useful. While Paul would very much have liked to keep Onesimus around, he knew he must send him back to Philemon. But he didn’t send him back empty-handed. He sent him to Philemon with a note from the apostle himself explaining everything. 

Scripture doesn’t record how the story ends, but I suspect that Philemon embraced Onesimus not as his slave, but as his brother. I believe this not because I believe every story ends happily but because of Philemon’s reputation. Paul twice mentions that Philemon is known for “refreshing” fellow believers (vv. 7, 20). 

We understand refreshment best in the form of physical relief: a power nap, a dip in the pool, a slice of watermelon, or a crisp, cool morning walk. However, until spending a little time in Philemon, I had not thought much about being the kind of person who could be described as refreshing. As I dug just a little bit into the meaning of this Greek word, I learned that the same word is used in Jesus’ famous invitation: 

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

Thinking about refreshment in terms of Christ’s offer of rest made me think: What does this type of person do? What do they not do? 

What a Refreshing Person Does NOT Do

1. Gossip

If refreshment means “to give rest to” someone or to renew their strength, first in the list of things to avoid must be gossip. Gossip can be simply defined as “sharing bad news about a person shared behind their back out of a bad heart.”1 Gossip tears a person down, usually to make the gossiper look or feel better. It certainly doesn’t give rest. Instead, like a termite, it starts taking small bites and ends up wreaking devastating damage. Sharing gossip with a friend about someone else fails to edify or encourage that person; instead of giving rest, it will add to the burden and perhaps leave them concerned about what will be said about them behind their back. 

2. Complain

Another way to add more weight to a companion’s pack is to burden them with complaints. Closely related to gossip, complaining speech sees and shares only the negative. Its eyes are fixed solely on self and completely fails to see the grace of God. And like a bad stomach flu, it’s also quite contagious. Complaints love company, so a little murmuring will lead to more, and soon you and your companion have aired all of your grievances and failed to find any of God’s grace. What could be more disheartening than that? 

3. Catastrophize

According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, catastrophize means “to imagine the worst possible outcome of an action or event.”2 Some of us have a flair for the dramatic and find mysterious joy in reveling in worst-case scenarios. In other words, this type of person is like Eeyore—a bummer to be around. While it can be helpful to examine possible outcomes, the act of turning every circumstance into a potential catastrophe is both tiresome and burdensome. Spend some time with this person, and you’ll walk away feeling like you need a vacation. 

4. Focus on Self

Even without complaints, gossip, or catastrophizing, you can still easily leave someone feeling weary. One deviously simple way to accomplish this is to spend all the time talking about yourself. Your hobbies, your interests, your kids, your grandkids, your vacation, your job, your doctor’s appointments, your financial issues, your plans. . . . Of course there’s nothing wrong in sharing about any of these things. However, when your friend walks away from spending time with you wondering if they even had the chance to say anything, they’ll likely feel sad, lonely, unheard, and fatigued. 

What a Refreshing Person DOES

1. Ask questions and listen

In our selfie-obsessed, self-absorbed world, having a conversation with someone who consciously seeks to draw out the other person—to learn about his or her struggles, passions, and dreams—can be as refreshing as a glass of iced tea on a hot day. This type of humble conversation probably won’t come naturally; that’s why Paul exhorts the Philippians to have the mind of Christ by looking to the interests and concerns of other people (Phil. 2:3–5). We can develop such an attitude of humility only by growing in grace and being conformed to the image of Christ; as we do, those around us will be refreshed.

2. Give Practical Help

This summer, my family moved a few weeks after I had surgery to repair my Achilles tendon. This meant that I had to pack and unpack boxes while on crutches. Difficult? Yes. Insane? Probably. Humbling? Most definitely. However, in the midst of the crazy, a friend offered practical help by coming to my house for an hour on three consecutive days to help pack dishes. I didn’t expect this or ask for it, but this relatively simple act refreshed and encouraged me. She didn’t wait for me to reach out for help (something I am loath to do); instead, she asked me. It might not be help with moving that you offer but a meal for a friend in need or a ride for someone headed to the airport or childcare for a mom whose last nerve is rapidly fraying. Do you know someone in need of some practical help?

3. Encourage

The author of Hebrews knew how important encouragement is to weary runners of the Christian race. To just such a crowd he wrote, “But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin's deception” (Heb 3:13). Encouragement not only refreshes a weary soul but actually staves off the lies of the deceiver himself. Whether a timely text, handwritten note, spoken word, act of service, or follow-up question, encouragement in all its forms offers rest to the weary soul like cups of water handed to a marathon runner along the course. However, while encouragement is essential, it never happens by accident. We must heed another piece of advice from the book of Hebrews and “consider how to encourage one another in love and good deeds” (Heb.10:24 NASB20).

4. Pray

As a kid of the 90s, I grew up watching the silly (and theologically inaccurate) movie Angels in the Outfield. To grant the wish of a kid, actual “angels” help the pathetic Anaheim Angels win the pennant. Only the kid who made the wish can see them, so to indicate that an angel is helping one of the players, he stands and waves his arms like wings. However, the angels aren’t allowed to interfere in the final game when the pennant is truly on the line. But the players don’t know that. So, in dramatic Disney-movie fashion, the kid (and eventually the entire stadium) stands to his feet and signals to the tired pitcher who doesn’t seem to have it any more that an angel is with him. The pitcher throws a strike, and the Angels win.

While I don’t believe that angels work anything like they’re depicted in the movie, I do think the prayers of our brothers and sisters in Christ can be similarly refreshing. Not because angels are “interfering” in our lives, but because prayers offered at the throne of grace before our merciful High Priest move the hand of the Almighty God. Like Aaron and Hur holding up the arms of Moses (Ex. 17:10–12), prayers lifted up on behalf of others help them endure the fray. Hebrews promises us that at the throne we “receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (4:16). Sometimes this grace and mercy—this refreshment—comes to us through the prayers of our brothers and sisters in Christ. 

May Paul’s words about Philemon be true of us as well: 

For I have great joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother. (Philemon 1:7)

If you could use an encouraging reminder to persevere in prayer, don’t miss the short series “Lessons from Unanswered Prayer, with Dr. Katie McCoy” beginning today on Revive Our Hearts. She’ll help you to believe that even when you don’t know how your prayers will be answered, you can trust that God has a purpose for every minute of your pain. 

2 Matthew C. Mitchell. Resisting Gossip. (Fort Washington, PA: CLC Publications, 2013), pg. 23.

1 https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/catastrophize#:~:text=ca%C2%B7%E2%80%8Btas%C2%B7%E2%80%8Btro,having%20a%20potentially%20catastrophic%20outcome