Can I set up boundaries?

As Christians, are we allowed to set up boundaries towards others? Most of us feel guilty about putting up walls to protect our peace and value our self-respect.

Since we are taught to love without boundaries, we think distancing ourselves from others is a sin. While it is true that there will be times when we Christians need to sacrifice and let things go, it does not mean we cannot live with boundaries.

What does it mean to have boundaries?

Most people think setting boundaries is an unloving defense and does not demonstrate God’s grace. They also assume it is to create distance instead of cherishing a relationship. 

However, according to Psychology Today, the bottom line of having boundaries is to help us contain ourselves within the parameters of where we stop and others begin.  

Besides, it is not about keeping others out but knowing our identity and what we think.

Furthermore, boundaries are the separations we need for mental, emotional, and physical well-being. We need it to feel safe, valued, and respected.

Defining healthy boundaries

Geographically, we draw lines to show boundaries between states and countries. This could be natural features like a river that would divide one territory. We accept and understand how far we could go before crossing into another territory.

As a result, there would be peace between other countries because they know their limitations. The same is true for a healthy boundary, we set it up for having a peaceful relationship with other people. 

Healthy boundaries are borders we make to protect ourselves from being used, drained, or manipulated by others. We could line with our emotional energy, time, personal space, sexuality, morals, and ethics. 

We could also set boundaries with our family, in-laws, friends, romantic partners, colleagues, and strangers.

Thus, healthy boundaries are about telling what you will and will not tolerate. It is about empowering yourself to be in control of your life. Besides, it is about living a life on your terms.

Healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries

Those who have already established their walls to protect themselves tend to have lower stress levels and higher self-esteem. They know how to prioritize their well-being over others, which could impact them negatively.

On the other hand, those who do not know how to draw their lines may consistently allow others to take advantage of them.

They could lack self-confidence, a sense of vision, or a vivid identity to lead them through life. Thus, having poor boundaries could result in resentment, anger, and burnout.

Besides, people who do not set boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they do not want to do. They say “Yes” to others because they feel guilty or obliged rather than self-love.

One of the signs of establishing healthy boundaries is protecting yourself from getting taken advantage of. You also manage and prioritize your time and have high self-esteem and respect. 

Additionally, you can say “no” if you do not have the energy or capacity to do something for others. You do not want to overcommit and be overwhelmed with responsibilities. 

Thus, those with healthy boundaries set limits for others without feeling bad because they have a strong sense of identity and direction.

In contrast, it is easy for someone to feel guilty for expressing their boundaries because they have unhealthy limitations. It is difficult for them to say “No.”

How to set healthy boundaries

Life is short, and if we do not decide to set boundaries, it could drain us and hinder us from achieving our dreams. 

So, knowing how to set healthy boundaries is crucial to help us focus on what really matters. 

Here are some effective ways to set healthy limitations.

Identify your boundaries

It is crucial to know our territory so we can know how to protect them. We have to know our limitations to make them concrete. 

Often times, it could be confusing and abstract because we cannot visualize them in our daily lives.

Identifying our boundaries gives us more clarity on where we want to draw the line between us and other people. Spend time to reflect and ask yourself some questions like what causes you unnecessary stress or discomfort.

Also, ask yourself what you look forward to daily versus what I am worried about. You can ask yourself what areas of life you feel tired of and what makes you feel safe, supported, and valued.

Be open to your boundaries

After knowing what makes you feel safe and valued from what makes you tired and uncomfortable, you have to learn how to communicate your boundaries openly with the people in your life.

One of our biggest mistakes is assuming that our loved ones and spouses already know our boundaries. But marriage is not a guessing game, we should let them know and be clear of our limitations. 

They would never know that they are overstepping the lines if we do not tell them nicely. Social Researcher Brene Brown emphasized that being clear is kind, while unclear is unkind. 

Repeat and hold on to your boundaries

Not everyone will understand or respect your boundaries the first time. Yet, standing firm in your decision is crucial while kindly reminding them of your needs when necessary. 

Boundaries protect you from overextending your mental and emotional well-being. Thus, if someone did not respect your boundaries, remind them to stay consistent with your first decision.

More importantly, avoid changing your boundaries for someone else’s comfort. While it could make you feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, a person who truly wants to be in your life will respect your decision.

Saying “No” is okay

There is nothing wrong in saying “No” to others. Those who are always Yes to others tend to forgo their self-care as they frantically try to meet the demands of everyone and things they said “yes” to.

Saying ‘No” is a powerful word, and most of us feel guilty for our “no’s.” However, to say “no” is to draw a line. It expresses courage, self-love, and power over your daily decisions.

Every “yes” and “no” we make shapes our reality. We have the authority to choose how we spend our time and energy. You probably should not do it if you do not feel right about something in your gut. 

Saying “no” is crucial in establishing healthy boundaries, so you should not feel bad about saying it. It does not have to be rude, but it does not require an apology or an explanation.

Spend time for yourself

Remember that it is not selfish to give time for yourself. Taking some time alone is about gaining more confidence, greater creativity, emotional intelligence, and emotional and mental stability.

It can also allow you to avoid burnout or stress about caring for others. Set a time to devote yourself to God’s words and read books that could help you manage yourself while loving others and allowing yourself to set boundaries.

Solitude gives you the chance to reflect on life and your values.

Boundaries shape your growth

Therefore, we could set up boundaries because they shape our growth. We should not feel bad about protecting our peace, personal space, emotional and mental well-being. 

Thus, we should clearly communicate our lines with the people around us to avoid disrespecting them. Drawing our lines could give us more freedom to express ourselves and live more joyfully.