How To Challenge Mindsets That Keep Us Stuck - Lisa E Betz

If we want a happier, more fulfilling life, we need to learn how to challenge the mindsets that keep us stuck. In my last post, I talked about how perfectionistic thinking steals our contentment and weighs us down. In this post, I offer the first key step in overcoming perfectionism or any type of unhealthy beliefs that have become embedded in our minds.

How mindsets keep us stuck

“We all have automatic thought patterns, or auto-thoughts. I think of these as tape loops that are running through the background of your mind, influencing what you do and say without your conscious knowledge. These auto-thoughts have been with you for years. They are so familiar to you that you take them as fact. Some are beneficial: “Always wear your seat belt,” for example. But some are distorted and unrealistic, and they can cause stress, anxiety, depression, and dissatisfaction.” ~ Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.

The good news? We can challenge those auto-thoughts and replace them with healthier mindsets. Here is the simple but powerful three-step process that will help us challenge mindsets that keep us stuck.

Step One: Identify Unhelpful Thoughts

This may sound simple, but it often proves tricky. If these thoughts have been playing in our minds for so long that we no longer question them, how do begin to notice them?

First of all, by paying closer attention to our internal dialog. Take note of what is playing on your mental playlist and begin to discern which mindsets are helpful, and which are not.

Secondly, when you find yourself upset, dissatisfied, or stressed, write down what you are feeling and thinking. Later, when you’re able to think more clearly, look at your notes. Repeat this a few times and you’ll begin to see patterns in what is triggering your responses.

When you dig into what’s triggering your feelings of stress or dissatisfaction, you can uncover unhelpful beliefs or mindsets that are the root of the problem.

Helpful Hack: Pay attention to any thought that includes words like should, shouldn’t, must, ought, always, never, and have to. Those words often indicate unhelpful or unrealistic auto-thoughts.

Step Two: Question your auto-thoughts

The problem with our unhelpful auto-thoughts is that we’ve had them for so long that we don’t question them.

Thus, questioning them is the weapon we use to defeat them. Because when we consider these beliefs with calm logic instead of reacting to them with our emotions, we can see how and why they are untrue, unrealistic, and unhelpful.

What kind of questions do we consider? Here are some examples:

Why do I feel I “should” do this?
Why do I think I must live up to that standard?
Do I actually need to meet this standard, or is there a more realistic one?
What would happen if I don’t do this? (And would it be as terrible as I fear?)
Does this thought align with God’s truth?
Am I overemphasizing the negative and ignoring the positive?

For a more comprehensive list of questions you can use to identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, this link takes you to a pdf of 20 questions.

Step Three: Reframe Your Thoughts

The final step in the process is to build new mindsets based on better truth. We intentionally train our brain to replace the old auto-thoughts with new, more positive and helpful thoughts. These new thoughts help us let go of unattainable perfection, shed the weight of heavy expectations, and live a more contented and fulfilled life.

Here are some examples that illustrate how you challenge mindsets that are keeping you stuck

Challenging shoulds and oughts

Unhelpful thought: I should wash all the windows before having houseguests. My house ought to be sparkling clean for them.

Question the thought: Why? Am I afraid they will judge my housekeeping because of streaky windows? Is this an expectation I inherited from Great-Aunt Phoebe (the one who protected her furniture with those plastic covers). Do I really want to be like her?

Reframe: I want my house to be welcoming for houseguests. But I don’t want to run myself ragged cleaning the entire house and have no energy left over to enjoy my guests. I will prioritize cleaning the guest room and tidying the living room.

Challenging all-or-nothing thinking

Unhelpful thought: I believe in doing a job thoroughly. If I haven’t cleaned every nook and cranny of the bathroom, it isn’t clean and I’ve failed.

Question the thought: Which is better, cleaning some of the bathroom or not cleaning it at all? I’m too busy to deep-clean the entire bathroom every week.

Reframe: I can maintain a tidy bathroom with a 5-minute wipe-down, so I only need to deep clean it once in a while.

Challenging our tendency to magnify the negative

Unhelpful thought: I caved and ate a donut during break. I’m a total failure. I can’t keep up a diet for a single day.

Question the thought: True, I ate a donut in a moment of weakness, but I’ve passed up many other sugary treats this week, and I’ve eaten healthy lunches. Does one mistake counteract all my good choices? No!

Reframe: It’s the sum of all my daily choices that matters. So long as I mostly keep to the diet, I will succeed in the long run.

Where do you need to apply this three-step process to challenge mindsets that keep us stuck?

Unfortunately, this isn’t a once-and-done process. Whenever the old thoughts crop up, we need to intentionally reframe them with our new improved version.

But the effort is worth it! You can shed stress and build a happier life, one reframed thought at a time.

Material for this post was adapted from the book Be Happy without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. with Alice Lesch Kelly