Hurt People, Hurt People: the Cycle Perpetuates - The DV Walking Wounded
***TRIGGER WARNING!*** This blog post contains references to physical domestic violence. Please proceed reading with extreme caution!
I never really blamed my former mother-in-law…in fact, I sympathized with her, mostly…she went through years of abuse from my former father-in-law, which my ex-husband saw enough of to become an abuser. She would always tell me, “I left when XXXXX was five years old, so he didn’t see that much of what his Dad did to me…” Apparently he saw enough and took notes…his adult opinion of women was that we were worthless except as workhorses and playthings…I don’t see how! His mother left his Dad at a time where that just wasn’t done and worked two jobs to provide for her children. He never appreciated what she sacrificed for him; all he saw was that she left him ALL the time, probably triggering his abandonment issues.
Please know that I am not judging harshly. I loved my MIL and gave her the same respect I did my own Mother. I was always doing for her or helping her. He acted like we were BOTH worthless most days, but had no qualms about “crying to Mommy” when life was “unfair” (which was all of the time).
I often wonder how much damage I did to my kids, staying as long as I did (he was arrested when we were close to our 24th wedding anniversary, divorcing on the 26th wedding anniversary). I see entitlement and flashes of narcissism in them and call them on it I don’t want to perpetuate this cycle, in the least. It scares me for my grandson. I don’t want him to become an abuser OR a victim, because children from toxic relationships can be either; either becoming a “bully” to their mate, or thinking that the bullying is normal and just taking it as a victim. I honestly thought it would be more damaging being a “broken” family, not realizing we were already broken. It would’ve been healthier for them to see me succeed on my own in safety, than to live in fear within financial security.
Toward the end of mine and my ex-Abuser’s relationship was that she was defending him more, I think to keep us together. She didn’t want to lose me, but she had to defend her “baby.” When the final large incident occurred that separated us, he was arrested and she blamed me. She told me I needed to recant. I told her that I did not call the police, but that I was not going to tolerate it any more and that I was not going to get my children taken away. Here is part of our conversation, after I testified against him that I feared for my safety and that of my children (this was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do):
“He beat me in front of our youngest, did you know that?” I’d asked her, over the phone, after getting berated about ‘sending him to jail.’
Momentary silence. “No.”
I continuted, “DCS said that they were going to take our youngest into custody, if I go back to him. I am NOT going back. He did what he did. I’m sorry that YOU have to go through this, but please remember it’s not easy for me, since it was me that he beat on.”
Silence still. “Are you going to press charges?” (I had dropped charges on him before, but for less residual damage).
I sighed, dejectedly. “I wrote a report, at the hospital, once I was examined. I may have a traumatic brain injury, and I definitely have a concussion, not to mention contusions around my neck where he strangled me. It’s no longer in my hands. The State is now going after him.”
Silence still. “So, can you drop these charges?”
“No, ma’am,” I replied. “But even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’m done. What you’re not hearing is that he tried to kill me.” It truly hurt that she didn’t ask how I was, if I was okay…
*Click* (she’d hung up the phone, not wanting to hear any more). I think I sobbed for an hour after that phone call. She was more concerned over him sitting in jail for domestic battery than him nearly being there for murder. I knew she had to be grieving, but wasn’t mine valid??? The person that I’d loved the most tried to hurt me — permanently. I was sick with grief from that and from the fact that my life meant so little to her and he. I prayed to God that I never got to that point. I also prayed that none of my children put me in that spot. But mostly, I prayed for her. I was probably making excuses for her, but it also felt as though she had forgotten what she had been through with his Dad…or maybe she hadn’t. Maybe this was triggering her in a way I couldn’t understand and she went into a robotic “protect” mode?
He violated a protective order a few more times, to which I had to report, landing himself in jail a few more times. At another court hearing, the judge warned him that if he violated again, he would go back to jail and stay there. He had his mother so brainwashed at that point, she tried to physically go after me in the courtroom! I had the baliff, a police officer, my DV advocate and her assistant get in between us, and the police officer tried to escort her out.
“Laura!” she yelled. “Quit making up this stuff against my son! Enough is enough!” Again, she was told to quiet and sit down or she’d have to leave. My Abuser sat looking pleased. She had signs of dementia for the past few years and it was playing nicely into his plan. I was completely sick to my stomach with more grief. I lost two people, not just the one. And honestly, I was a bit mad…this was elder abuse. He was draining her savings dry as she was trying to “save” him from me, all while he poisoned her already fragile mind. Me, the diabolical liar and attention-seeker, that she thought that I was — fed by his ego and lies.
Years before, when she initially told me about the domestic abuse, I asked her how she handled it. She told me “the best I could.” She endured it for a while, but found out that he was cheating with another local woman, so THAT was the deciding factor on leaving in the 1970’s (sadly, that was justifiable to society, abuse wasn’t). He beat her as she was leaving so she said that her two brothers and Marine brother-in-law “paid him a visit.”
I gasped. “They beat him up?”
She looked at me, annoyed. “They were sending him a message. He never laid a hand on me again, divorced me with minimal child support and visitation and married wife #4 about two months after the divorce was final.”
“Wow,” I said. “But how is beating him up for beating you justifiable? Didn’t they just stoop to his level?” The look she gave me told me that the conversation was over. This. THIS should’ve been a sign of things to come. It wasn’t. I just marked that as learning about her past. I admired her for her tenacity. However, I did notice over time that her ‘tenacity’ tended to drive people away. I also felt like this was something I needed to know, to help heal my then-husband. I was so naive then. I really thought I could fix this. DV is like a pebble that rolled down hill, depicted in cartoons, gathering snow and dirt and getting bigger and bigger until it resembled the boulder from the famous Indiana Jones movie! I honestly had no clue how much things would snowball!
I am trying to support my children’s mental health issues and activities to help those issues. I know they still have resentment against me, but I am working on that. The only thing I can truly control is my own mental health and healing, as well as educating others on what to look for and how to safely escape.
I don’t want to bleed on anyone that did not cut me. But I will let them know I was hurt and set appropriate boundaries. I make myself communicate more and more. I stop people in their tracks when they are being hurtful to myself and others. It’s all I can do, so I am going to keep doing it. Healing is never linear and the world needs to be more trauma informed. With today’s society being more entitled and rude and intrusive, I have become an advocate for mental health and work to preserve mine and consider others.’ I use conciseness to convey messages when I speak. I will be silent no more. Silence perpetuates violence!
Love and light! <3
