I realized "killing with kindness" is kaput! The couch episode. - Divorce Minister
When I realized my kindness was not making any difference, I did the rare act of boundary enforcement.
I refused to be used one last time.
It was over a couch.
The one pictured above with Mr. Pickles sprawled over it to be precise. A two piece lounge-like couch that was fantastically comfortable.
I was not going to bring it with me as I was about to move halfway across the country. So, I decided to sell it back to my (now ex) wife.
On the day I sold it in person, she just assumed I would then load it up for her.
I said, “No, that is your problem.”
This sale took place after she had lied to me about her (ongoing) adulterous relationship and rejected my offer to work on the marriage provided she convinced me that she was done cheating.
In a rare act of standing up for myself, I refused to be used by her one more time. I did not just rollover and do what she wanted me to do.
I said, “No.”
So often, Christian circles assume you must “kill them with kindness,” but that may be a pointless and detrimental exercise if the other person is a user like cheaters are.
I have no problem helping friends move. In fact, I don’t even have a problem helping strangers either.
My issue that day was dealing with someone who acted entitled to my services and was actively abusing me by lying about her (ongoing) adulterous affair.
Feeding into that entitlement is ultimately unhelpful for both parties. It reinforces the entitlement mentality of the cheater and continues the pattern of the cheater using the faithful spouse.
That cycle only stops when we say, “No.”
Jesus did not simply give people what they wanted. When the crowds came after him for more handouts, Jesus refused to simply give them more bread. They had other needs.
Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.”
-John 6:26, NIV
Cheaters need to repent. This is important for their souls. Simply going along with their demands will not help them face this need.
