Mailbag: If you have wronged someone you should seek to make amends to that person? - Divorce Minister

Another comment I am answering for today’s post:

DM,
Thank you for your encouragement. It has given me strength along with other Christ centered people around me to see my X Husband for who he really is.
So 14 months post d’Day and my Ex stated to me today that he has moved on (with a woman) and is the happiest he has ever been. In the midst of the discussion stating that he does not need to ask my forgiveness as he asked Gods and the Churches ( the pastor and elder not the church as a whole) and that is all that really matters. He stated he had said he was sorry to me and that is all he has to do. I have two problems with this and would like your comment. 1) here in Australia you need to be seperated 12months and 1 day before filing for divorce (which I did) he began his relationship with the new woman before being served the divorce papers, it was approved last month and will official as of the 6th March. Is his new relationship adultorus by nature even if they are not sleeping together?
2) have I misunderstood scripture when it says if you have wronged someone you should seek to make amends to that person?

You have heard over the past year how I myself have been treated by the church he is in so it should come as no surprise that they condone the new relationship and his manner towards me. I am seen as in the wrong, I spoke the truth when they wanted me to lie, I stood up for myself when they expected submission, I chose to end my marriage instead of showing forgiveness and turning the other cheek without any repentance or remorse from him.
I am happy with my life. I have returned to study to gain better employment. My children are doing ok. The only anguish in my life is where my life is still entwined with him.
Can I look at this as to Gods blessing?

Your input would be appreciated.

Regards
Thankful

Dear Thankful,

Let’s take your two questions one at a time:

1) You wrote, “Is his new relationship adultorus by nature even if they are not sleeping together?”

It is only adultery as I use the term here on Divorce Minister (click here) if they are having sexual intercourse of some form. However, that does not mean their relationship is sanctioned by Scripture. It is still sinful. Their relationship is minimally an emotional affair as he is involved with another woman while still being married to you. Also, making the divorce official does matter because it means you are still married before the law and God. Furthermore, him telling you and the pastor (plus elder) that he is sorry does not release him Biblically from his marriage covenant to you and God thereby giving him permission to remarry. If he has sex again, he is committing adultery against you and God regardless of the legal status of your marriage as Jesus taught (see Mt 5:32).

2) You wrote, “…have I misunderstood scripture when it says if you have wronged someone you should seek to make amends to that person?“

I don’t have a chapter and verse to support that sentiment. We do see Zachaeus volunteering to pay back those he wronged four times what he cheated them in Luke 19:8. Honestly, I think this is the wrong question for Christians. We are called to love our brothers and sisters in Christ (see I John 4:20-21). If we do not do this, then I John tells us that we do not know God (i.e. we are not Christians). You’re stbxh’s response is not a loving response. He does not have to earn your forgiveness (that’s correct as we forgive regardless of response from the ones that have wronged us). However, if he was a true follower of Christ, he would be concerned about how he hurt you and seek to care for you. That is love. So, in that sense, amends are due if we are true followers of Christ.

It does sadden and sicken me that your church would support infidelity (and possibly adultery) so blatantly. And it saddens me for your stbxh’s sake as well. They are not truly caring for his soul. Instead, they are enabling his sin.

Hugs,

DM