Mailbag: Is withholding sex from your spouse sexual immorality? - Divorce Minister

In a comment on the blog, OnlyEleven wrote,

Is withholding sex from your spouse sexual immorality and therefore grounds for divorce? 3 of the 4 years of marriage have been sexless…she had sex long enough to get pg and have a much wanted baby, and has refused sex ever since. She refuses to even share their bedroom and instead shares a bedroom with the child. Both spouses are professing believers.

Dear OnlyEleven,

My short answer to your question is “No.” I do not consider a sexless marriage the same thing as sexual immorality and therefore grounds for divorce under that category. However, if it continues after attempts have been made to address the situation with outside help (very important this happens!), it may fall under the abandonment by an unbeliever clause of I Corinthians 7:15. However, I would not view this as a first, second, or even third resort answer to such problems. Care needs to be taken to figure out why the marriage is sexless.

I Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) says,

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

And Ephesians 5:21(NIV) says,

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

We are not to demand our rights but be considerate of each other’s needs as followers of Christ (see Philippians 2:3-4). Christian marriage is about looking to each other’s needs and concerns as an act of service (see Ephesian 5:21). This includes sex inside the marriage bond. Furthermore, we are called to be having sex as Christian couples if we are married unless we agree not to do so for a set period of time.

Some context for the first verse quoted: The Apostle Paul was likely addressing Christian ascetics who thought not having sex made them more holy. He rebukes such thinking pointing out how foolish it is to leave a partner so vulnerable to sexual temptation. It is unwise. However, giving into such temptation remains completely upon the sinner (i.e. a sexless marriage is not an excuse to commit adultery).

What I would tell such a Christian couple is that they have a problem. Clearly, one partner does not agree to the current state of the couple’s sex life. This is contrary to Scripture (I Corinthians 7:5). So, it needs to be addressed. Demanding it changes or else is not very loving or Christlike. I do not encourage that track. But I do think going to a good pastoral counselor or sex therapist might be helpful to unearth why the wife does not want to have sex with her husband. Then those barrier(s) can be addressed to serve the relationship better in this area of sexual intimacy.

Mrs. DM suggested to me that the problem might be physiological (i.e. it hurts), emotional, or sexual. Is the wife getting her sexual needs met elsewhere? Or is she in physical pain while having sex? Is she in an emotionally abusive relationship with her husband and feels unsafe to give him sex? I don’t know the situation. This is why it is important to find a good counselor (or doctor) to sort this out.

Marriage is precious in God’s eyes. It images His relationship with His Church. That is why it is so heinous when the marriage is defiled by adultery as it is a defacing of the most beautiful relationship between Creator and Creation–i.e. Christ and His Church. A sexless marriage is a problem. However, I do not think this problem is best solved by ending the marriage through divorce. It needs to be worked upon by the couple with qualified help.

Blessings,

DM

P.S. A unilaterally decided sexless marriage may qualify under the abandonment clause for divorce found in I Corinthians 7:15 if the wife refuses to work on the issues over the long period of time. However, I would not take this decision lightly or view it as ever a first, second, or third resort. And this is a matter of conviction. Some may argue–fairly–for the conviction that a sexless marriage never constitutes a reason for a divorce as it is not sexual immorality (i.e. the exception for Christians given by Jesus for divorce in Mt 5:32 and Mt 19:9). That said, I do strongly believe couples truly dedicated to following Christ and the Bible would need to address a unilaterally decided sexless marriage in order to really be faithful to both Scriptural teaching and God.