23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

-Matthew 5:23-24, NIV

Even if you are no longer married, I think the signs will be pretty obvious if your Cheater truly repents (and is forgiven).

This passage attributed to Jesus Himself makes it clear forgiveness is NOT just between the sinner and Him. Jesus teaches us to make things right with the person we have wronged, or He is not interested in our offering–i.e. religious activity.

Sadly, forgiveness is often taught in a way contrary to this teaching from Jesus. We often make it merely a conversation between the sinner and God.

Clearly, that is NOT how Jesus sees forgiveness. He is calling for accountability and more than performative religious behavior.

This is why I doubt many of our Cheaters are truly forgiven. How many have ever faced–or will ever face–their debt to us, faithful spouses?

I am not saying we ought to hold onto this debt. It is best to transfer it over to God for Him to handle. That’s what forgiveness looks like.

It is a truly tragic situation with most Cheaters being unwilling to ask us for forgiveness as many of us who have walked this path of forgiveness have no desire anymore to punish them. I don’t anymore. We could–empowered by God’s grace–tell them that their debt to us has been handed over God and forgiven as far as we are concerned.

But most Cheaters won’t ever seek us out for that.

They cannot accept being vulnerable to rejection from the person they harmed through cheating and rejecting themselves. Humility is not something they possess. And it takes humility to receive the gift of forgiveness.

Many Cheaters would rather make their “offering” and ignore Jesus’ teaching here in the Sermon on the Mount that He demands that they settle accounts with their (former) spouse first.