SATURDAY SURVIVOR CHRONICLES: Narcissistic Minimizing At Its Best - The DV Walking Wounded:

It was the summer of 2005 and a good friend of mine and her daughter (also my daughter’s best friend), were invited by me to come along to a corporate outing to a fun park that had roller coasters AND a water park: King’s Island in Ohio. It was my employer who did this for our “company picnic,” so I had people at my work ask for their tickets, even though they weren’t going, giving them to me so that my friend and her child could go with us — minimizing costs. My friend and her daughter were going through a hard time financially and personally, so I asked my “then” husband if he cared if they went. He said he thought it would be a great idea. In fact, we got so many tickets, that we invited his brother and 18 month old daughter also. We all agreed since we were covering the tickets and the hotel and the food, that everyone would ride in their own vehicles, for their own comfort, paying for their own gas. I, however, slipped my friend money to drive there, otherwise she would not been able to go. She was so ready for a fun time and a trip out of town. So was I…or so I thought…

We spent the morning riding rides at the thrill park section. The plan, after that, was to eat lunch (that my company provided in a huge pavillion), then we were going to go swimming at the water park. It was getting hotter by the moment and my two kids, my brother in law’s one, and her one, were getting restless and irritable!

The four children inhaled their food. I mean, I had never seen any one of them eat everything on their plates. The adults were still eating, so my BIL stated that he could take the kids to get changed and take them on to the water park, while my then-huband, my friend, and myself, were finishing up our lunches. He stated that he’d get a locker so that they could lock up their clothes and possessions. The kids stood up and gave BIL a standing ovation, so we conceded. I could feel my friend’s unease at this, but she agreed and she and I finished up while “the men” worked out the details. My friend wasn’t thrilled, but she was also physically handicapped and couldn’t move as fast as everyone else, so she relented.

After finishing lunch, my friend and I went to get changed into swim suits. My then-husband said he’d change in the men’s restroom, getting a locker in there, and suggested we get a locker too. I decided to hang on to the Nokia basic cell phone we had, in case we couldn’t find my BIL. We changed and met the husband outside the women’s restrooms, then moving on to the water park. She and I paused to put on sunblock, but as Moms we accomplished this in record time. She covered me and I her. We plodded on, with two anxious mamas heading toward one man managing four kids. I mean, what could go wrong? Everything. Quite literally, everything.

We go to the water park, to the spot where my husband and BIL stated that we would meet. No BIL. No kiddos. We waited. We waited for what seemed an eternity, scanning the crowd for faces, but was probably only about forty-five minutes. My husband grabbed the Nokia brick phone from me and called. He called. He called and called. It rang and rang, until it didn’t and only went directly into voicemail.

“That idiot put his phone in the locker,” I heard my Abuser mumble.

“I’m starting to get anxious about the kids,” my friend worriedly said. I consoled her and admitted I was too, but that they were safe with him.

We sat on a bench, while my husband made excuses. After about ten minutes of listening to BS, I shot him a look. “They’re probably having fun and lost track of time” and “Lousy cell phone coverage.” Whatever. Not buying it, but I fake smiled and nodded.

“Why don’t you go and look for him?” I suggested gently. “We will stay here in case he shows.” I’d pay for my insubordination later, probably through violence. I didn’t care. I was worried that my goofy BIL lost the kids. I didn’t admit that though. Not out loud, anyway. I was already slightly panicked and didn’t want to panic my friend further.

After a while of the husband/Abuser being gone, I flagged down park security. My friend was already almost in tears and I was livid. She was afraid her ex-husband would use this against her in court. The guard radioed and had a full back and forth conversation with other security staff over the course of 15 minutes. Apparently, they had the kids and no grown ups, safely at a security station. He shuttled us over to pick them up. They were looking for the two men. In hindsight, I think the security guard thought the guys had kidnapped the kids. Essentially, they did something worse…

The kids were happy to see us, a little freaked out, but still wanting to swim. We opted for the wave pool where we could sit and watch the kids in safety and proximity. Security brought the two idiots that we were with, over to where we were sitting in chaise chairs.

“You want to press charges?” the security guard asked us.

“YES!” my friend said. I patted her arm in solidarity.

The guard then looked at me. I pondered it for a minute. “No, I have to live with one of them. I guess there is no crime in being stupid.”

I received very menacing glares from two men — who honestly should’ve been ashamed of themselves but weren’t. Same face, same narcissistic tendencies. I gave them both a solid, pointed look, “So, how did you get out of contact and separated from the kids?”

I heard a barrage of excuses. Cell phone was locked in his locker. Crowds were terrible. Kids wondered off. I shook my head, not hearing any of it.

I looked straight at my brother-in-law. “Talking to a hot woman in a bikini and the kids got separated, right?” He immediately hung his head and nodded. He was talking to a beautiful life guard, actually. My husband was red-faced and about to blow.

I took a deep breath. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” I began. “You (pointing at husband) are going to go home with him (pointing at BIL) in his vehicle and take the baby (my niece) back to her mother, after you all feed her. We (my friend and I and the remaining kids), are going to take advantage of the hotel room I booked, eat well, and give kids baths, then we are going to relax. I will be home with the kids sometime tomorrow evening. I think I owe [my friend] and [her daughter] that courtesy. Seeing how you all lost our kids and all.” I shrugged and gave my best smile. The security guard still standing there, but then excused himself moments later on another call. I kinda wished he’d roughed them up, but oh well!

The husband was livid, but silent. I could see him setting his jaw. I knew he would take out his wrath in some way when I returned home. While I did not welcome that, I accepted it.

“You should’ve planned better and not brought HER,” the abusive husband said. I narrowed my eyes.

“Whatever. Y’all lost our kids too.” My response made his eyes wide with surprise. “Have a good journey home, gentlemen.” I wasn’t taking any more BS excuses or listening to anything else. I turned back to my friend and apologized for the 97th time. She just hugged me and smiled.

After an exhausting day that was supposed to be fun and relaxing, we got to our hotel room with the double beds and one pull out bed and ordered pizza and breadsticks. We watched a Disney movie and chatted and played games. It was a fun time, devoid of liars. Everyone got baths/showers, including us. My friend and I did spa things to our faces and laughed and played cards. We woke up the next day, got the kids up and ready, taking them to the hotel’s continental breakfast. After that, we set out to go to the Outlet mall, which was on the way home. I bought my friend’s daughter tennis shoes that she needed, because I felt terrible for how she was treated and for what had transpired. She insisted I did not have to do that, but urged me to dump my husband. She already really didn’t like him before, but REALLY didn’t trust him now. I told her I would ‘take that into consderation.’ It was this same friend that later on who allowed me to hide at her house, during one escape from my husband, a few years later.

I am happy to report that I never received a beating for that incident, but he gave me the silent treatment for a week. After he started speaking to me again, I let him have it about all of his excuses and “lack of care and concern” for the children, then gave him the silent treatment of my own — a page out of his own book. Minimalizing of a situation does NOT make it go away, despite what Narcissists think. I’ve always thought about it as “passing the buck,” but they always think of these things as “no big deal,” if they think back on it at all.

This episode was a doozy. So much so that if you would ask my Abuser about it now, he’d tell you I made it up to make people hate him. Thankfully, none of our children were hurt or kidnapped.