The Care & Keeping of You In A Positive Relationship - The DV Walking Wounded:

I am NOT the poster child for good decisions. Yes, I made rash decisions with my heart when I was young, but then I also stayed in a horrible relationship out of fear. I do know this, I know that love is safety and intimacy is more than just sex. There is being taken care of and being cared for. I can now happily say that I am being “cared for.” There truly is a difference.

Taking care of someone can just be the bare minimum. That’s what my Ex-Abuser did…bare ass minimum…it had to look good to outsiders, but he didn’t care what it looked like on the inside of our family. “I’m doing the best I can, can’t you see that!?!” became a standard exclamatory statement. I soon discovered that if I had to ask him for what I needed or tell him how he was supposed to provide, that it wasn’t genuine. Begging didn’t work, but made his ego expand, so I stopped begging for that bare minimum. I had to take charge of the care of our family, with him taking credit for it all.

My needs and wants, at that time, were belittled and/or dismissed. A father showing respect and love to our children’s mother was never a thing. His needs and wants came first, with ours coming last or not at all. He only valued me when it suited him or when he thought I’d seriously leave him — but only temporarily. In fact, I became an appliance in the home and our children turned into very grim prisoners.

I have been blessed and awed by my BF of seven years. He literally takes care of me, in every sense of the word. I recently had hip surgery #2, on April 1st. I was to wait four days before I could shower, as my bandages could not get wet. I started to get itchy, especially in my hair and on my scalp. He setup the kitchen sink to hand wash my hair. I was dumbfounded. He was very gentle and thorough. He wanted me to be comfortable and well, despite his back hurting. I felt SO loved at that moment! My Abuser wouldn’t have taken the time do anything remotely close to that. He’d tell me to “deal with it.” In fact, he’d be torturing me while I’m supposed to be resting, in the form of running myself ragged doing things for him. My BF, however, keeps telling me to “put [your] feet up!”…he sees the big picture and I love him for that! I also have found that I love being cooked for!

Be sure to keep the red flags in mind, but also the green ones. What are green flags? Green flags are positive behaviors and habits of a person, indicating that they can co-exist within a successful relationship. They can be constant communication, acts of service, consideration…the positive list can be long. Everyone has a negative trait or two, so their “positive’ traits should be a MUCH longer list.

Never settle. If someone is not caring for you lovingly, that is exactly how they feel about you. They may be “taking care of you,” but that phrased can be either positive or negative. I had no idea that I was getting emotional “scraps” from my Abuser, while my guy now gives me emotional “sirloin quality” attention. I will never starve emotionally…and I reciprocate because he treats me well!