The Benefits of Friends Before Romance
Why Being Friends First Makes for a Better Relationship
Russelyn, you’re not in a relationship yet? An all too familiar inferential question to singles implying there is something wrong. However, having healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex as friends is a relationship just not a romantic one. At least, not at first and that’s okay. Why? Because friendship provides a healthy foundation for a more satisfactory relationship.
Trust is Built as a Friendship Provides a More Solid Foundation for a Lasting Relationship
Those who establish a genuine friendship first before entering a romantic relationship have gotten the most important things out of the way. Things like shared values, seeing a person for who they are without the pressure of feeling as though they have to be perfect or impress the other person.
Real trust is built in this type of environment. Further, the tools to cultivate healthy communication and resolve conflict are developed within an environment where those involved feel safe to be themselves.
Lust is not a Good Foundation for Love
The contrary is an environment built on lust. Passionate lust often causes us to move so fast that nothing else becomes more important than satisfying our lust. When the lust fizzes out—there is nothing else to hold the relationship up with. The realities of character flaws that were previously ignored begin to chip away at what’s left of a connection until the connection is completely gone. Therefore, lust is a poor foundation for a relationship. While friendship allows for more stability when a relationship finally does turn romantic.
What Does This Tell Us?
It’s more beneficial to focus on building friendships with others than dating relationships. Those of us who desire something real may mention we want an organic relationship—something that kind of just comes together.
Friendship creates an environment where something can just come together. Therefore, those who encourage people who are single and desire marriage should encourage singles to place themselves within environments with people they can build friendships with not just to date. Out of the safe environment of friendship dating can occur while yielding a more productive relationship.
Friendships Help to Guard One Another’s Hearts Along with Honesty
Friendships help to guard one another’s hearts better as there isn’t a false expectation of more. However, some friends can be dishonest and only remain present in the hopes of romance. This is where honesty becomes important. Beginning with honesty about whether there is a genuine attraction or not to a friend.
No one should agree to be in a romantic relationship with someone just because someone is a good person and there is no genuine attraction there. A genuine attraction would have to grow at some point for the relationship to develop into something more.
I read a book where a Christian psychologist encouraged a woman seeking a healthy relationship to find someone like her genuine guy friend who she shared values with but also had an attraction to. A person may not be the magazine or movie star level of attraction but there should be some genuine attraction there. If no genuine attraction ever grows—that person is probably only meant to stay in the friend zone and that’s okay.
Other Benefits to Being Friends First
Research shows there are lower divorce rates among those who are friends first. The emotional bond between the couple tends to be stronger when the couple are Best friends as well. Higher levels of marriage satisfaction and happiness are reported among couples who are friends first.
A study in a book by Dr. John Gottman, Judy Doug Abrams, and Rachel Karl Abrams shares that men have sex for an emotional connection while women need an emotional connection to have sex. Among those surveyed over 90% of men and women agreed with this statement. Therefore, the sex life can be better in a relationship where the couple are friends first due to the stronger emotional connection.
If you’re worn out by the distress of dating—fallback, enjoy your life in Christ, and focus on building healthy friendships with others including the opposite sex. When the time is right—you’ll see one of your healthy friendships develop into more.
