The Few People That Make the Rest of Life Manageable

Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. – Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

My sister is a widow. She runs a lively and active group called Sparkling Widow Queens. Doesn’t that sound like a fun group to be a part of? Don’t they sound like women who will be there for you? Doesn’t this group feel like the place you are searching for to find connection? Except to join that group you must be a widow.

You don’t want to be a widow.

I belong to a group of women called MOOs, which stands for Mothers of Offenders. We help moms navigate the court system and the long journey of incarceration. But the greatest gift we offer one another is a safe place to be honest. Shame is already a destroyer. When your own son has committed a serious crime, the shame can feel unbearable, especially because it is often so public. People try to figure out what to say to you, and most often truly mean what they are attempting to say. But it doesn’t touch the anger you have towards your son. Or the shame that your family now bears. Too often that shame is public.

But you don’t want to be a MOO either.

Only certain people get to know this part of me because the connection with these women is enough. Being seen and known by these women keeps me from oversharing or from freaking people out. In a MOO meeting we get to share our real stories which then helps us live the other days in the real world. I don’t need to talk about my experiences with prison every day. Nor is it safe for me to talk about my experiences with prison with certain people. Some people don’t care. Some people have enough in their lives to handle. And oversharing is really a numbing behavior. It is you trying to control the outcome so you overshare to either get a shot of dopamine from attention or use it as your excuse as to why no one understands you.

Are you desperate for an encouraging connection? An honest connection?

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 NLT

We all need places where we can tell the truth about our lives, but not every person is the right person to hear every part of our story. You need a few.

How do you find such people? These are some things I have learned:

* They don't rush to fix you.

* They don’t rush to judge you.

* They don’t compare your pain to someone else's pain…or theirs.

* They don’t say, “At least, your son didn’t murder someone” or the like. Any statement beginning with “At least…” is a red flag. This one sentence opener is that person removing him/herself from your pain.

* They protect your story instead of passing it along. They don’t view your story as currency they can use to gain something for themselves in another conversation.

* They remind you who you are in Christ, especially when shame is doing a good job of lying to you. These people see that.

* These tips will eliminate a lot of people. This is okay. It is surprising how a few people can make the rest of your life more manageable.

Questions for Reflection:

1. Have you ever tried to comfort a friend by starting a sentence with “At least…”? Do you know how you were trying to comfort your friend but you actually minimized your friend?

2. Who are the people in your life with whom you can tell the truth without having to explain or defend yourself?

3. What makes someone feel safe enough for you to share the harder parts of your story?

4. Have you ever had someone try to fix, minimize, or compare your pain? What did that do to your willingness to open up?

5. Why do you think we sometimes overshare when what we really need is deeper connection?