The Power of Active Listening
Welcome to Real Life. Can you hear me now?
Being heard is so close to being loved
that for the average person,
they are almost indistinguishable.
– David Augsburger[1]
“Please look at me when I’m talking to you!” I would often say this to my sons while they were growing up. Because if they were playing and distracted, they might hear my words, but until I looked into their eyes, I couldn’t be sure they actually grasped what I was saying. We adults are not much different. We’re busy and distracted. We hear words all day long. But are we actively listening?
Jesus Christ was incredibly busy in his earthly ministry. Yet he took the time to listen. At the pool of Bethesda, he asked the paralytic, “Do you want to get well?”[2] When his friend Lazarus died, Jesus listened to Mary’s and Martha’s words of disappointment and grief; and he wept with them.[3] When the blind beggar Bartimaeus called out to him, Jesus stopped and asked, “What do you want me to do for you?”[4] Jesus recognized the importance of looking into someone’s eyes and hearing their perspective.
Jesus Christ also experienced the frustration of not being heard. Everywhere he went, large crowds gathered to hear his words. Few, however, actually heard the message from his heart.
For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.
(Matthew 13:15 NIV)
Hearing and seeing and understanding can only be accomplished when we actively listen. It cannot be done while multi-tasking. Believe me. I’ve tried. Occasionally, my friend will call while I’m working on the computer. Although she cannot see me, she readily perceives I’m distracted and will inevitably ask, “Is this a bad time? Do you want to call me back when you’re not busy?” Because active listening requires that we care enough to stop what we’re doing and focus. Close the laptop. Quit scrolling. Take out the earbuds. In order that we may look into someone’s eyes, read their body language, and listen for the story behind their words.
While someone's talking, we're often tempted to shift our focus from listening to forming a response. We can barely wait until the person's lips stop moving before we blurt out our perspective. At other times, we’re quick to switch into counselor mode. We offer advice or pat answers, when the person simply needs us to walk alongside them and be heard. One way to remain focused on the speaker is by asking clarifying questions, such as, “What I’m hearing you say is…” or “How did you feel when that happened?” When we tune in and actively listen, the person speaking will feel seen and heard and understood—and loved!
Please look at me when I’m talking. Because being heard
isso close to being loved. You and I have the power to love others well by simply listening!
Dear Father God,
Teach us to become better listeners.
Help us discipline ourselves to focus—
To put down our phones and look into someone’s eyes.
Give us the sensitivity to become attuned to their feelings,
So the person will feel heard and seen and understood and loved.
We ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Taking it further: Read Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day by Day by Peter Scazzero.
