Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you- Ephesians 4:29a and 32 NIV

I recently experienced a low-level existential crisis. 

It all started when a young woman I tend to think of as a spiritual daughter asked for some advice on finding some good marriage books.  I am beyond proud of this girl for the way she is choosing to live her life. I was also honored she would consider me a trustworthy source of information on any subject but especially a subject as critical and personal as marriage. 

However. 

As a general rule, I am reluctant to recommend most marriage books. Mostly because the vast majority of marriage books base all or most of their instruction on the teaching found in Ephesians 5:22-33. There is nothing wrong with the instruction given in Ephesians 5:22-33. It’s a fundamental part of most marriage vows for good reason. The text lays out the roles in a Christian marriage. The husband’s is to lead and love his wife, the wife’s is to submit to and respect her husband.  The problem with relying entirely on this passage to teach about marriage (in my opinion) is that there is more to marriage than just roles.

There is also responsibility. 

Without a thorough understanding of our responsibilities to one another in a Christian marriage the discussion of roles tends to devolve into overly simplistic and sometimes hurtful teaching regarding incredibly complex issues. The best example is found in a popular marriage book that boils all the complexities of the marriage relationship down to love and respect. The book teaches all women want or need is to be loved by their husbands. Conversely, according to the author, all men want or need is to be respected by their wives. If a woman can learn to respect well and a man can learn to love well most marital problems will simply work themselves out. 

It sounds great (because it’s simple). 

However, the book ignores the fact that love cannot exist without respect. No one can sincerely love another person without respecting and behaving in a respectful manner towards that person. When a man is not respectful of his wife any love the woman has for him will die an ugly death sooner or later. It is possible to respect someone without loving (or even liking) them but respect without love always devolves into joyless duty and deep resentment at some point. 

Furthermore.

All Christians (male and female) are obligated to obey and submit to God above every human authority. If a husband instructs his wife to do something God forbids (looking at pornography, putting him above God, bringing another person into the relationship, etc.) then the wife is obligated to obey God—not her husband (Exodus 1:15-20, Acts 5:29, Exodus 20:3, Exodus 20:14). Truth-be-told Christian marriage is meant to reflect the love Jesus has for His people. Therefore, a marriage based entirely on duty or where one person lacks respect for the other is bad for everyone: the wife, the husband and especially the reputation of Jesus. 

Seriously. 

Roles are important in marriage. I would never attempt to argue otherwise. However, understanding our responsibilities as spouses is critical to working out the roles in marriage in way that reflects Jesus and His love for the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Our responsibilities to one another in marriage are as follows: 

To be kind- 

No one has to like or agree with everything their spouse says, does or wants. Nevertheless, every interaction we have with our spouse should be colored with kindness (Romans 12:10, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12). This means we NEVER resort to name-calling, bullying, contempt or meanness, even when we are justifiably angry or attempting to work out a problem (Ephesians 4:14-15, Ephesians 4:26). 

To work to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation-  

In most cases a marriage is doomed when one spouse always gets their way and the other spouse is always conceding to the other’s will. Marriage works best and is most reflective of Jesus when each person is seeking to cooperate with and please the other (Ephesians 5:21). In order to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation everyone involved must be willing to compromise on issues like sex, how money is spent, who which family we celebrate the holidays with and how the kids are raised (1st Corinthians 7:2-5). 

To love our partner with the same love we have for ourself-  

Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he answered by giving to two commandments equal weight (Mark 12:30-31). The first He gave is to love God, the second is to love one’s neighbor in the same way you love yourself. No one sane and healthy is unkind to themselves on purpose. Because our spouse is our closest neighbor it can be argued that no one really loves God if refuse to love the spouse God gave them. 

To follow the “golden rule”-

Everyone knows the golden rule: In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matthew 7:12). Following the golden rule in marriage means we do (or don’t do) what we would want done (or not done) to the other person. This means we don’t interrupt or correct our spouse in front of other people because no one ENJOYS being interrupted or corrected in a public setting. It means we let the other person be the center of attention sometimes because we all want to be the center of attention sometimes.  It means both the husband and the wife care for and serve their spouse because everyone likes to be served and cared for.  

When both parties in the marriage seek to fulfill their responsibilities in marriage the issue of roles becomes less central and much less contentious. No one in the history of marriage has ever had to say: “you’re supposed to be submitting to my authority” or “I don’t feel loved” when both parties are kind and caring. No one pulls the submit card or accuses the other of being unloving when they are following the golden rule and seeking to create an atmosphere of mutual cooperation. 

It’s just not done.