What Dating Down Looks Like
What dating down looks like is a topic from my third book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.” Dating down is when you know someone isn’t an appropriate fit for you—yet you continue to date them anyway.
This signals an issue yet to be resolved within you. Self-awareness, which leads to personal responsibility, is key in this scenario.
“A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.” – Proverbs 27:7 (NLT)
The full person sees that he has a choice in whether or not to accept what comes along; the hungry person will accept anything, whether it’s savory or not. Even though he knows his choice may not be good for him, he sees it as a way to satisfy his hunger in the moment.
Take Personal Responsibility in Accessing Your Needs to Avoid Dating Down
What needs have we allowed to go unmet in healthy ways where we use dating down—an unhealthy coping mechanism to fill? Could there be lies within our minds that we are seeking to overcome? I loved Nona Jones’ book, “The Gift of Rejection.” It shared how there can be a talk track playing over and over in our head that we are trying to disprove or unconsciously live up to.
For Nona, it was her mother’s harsh words and actions of rejection. Her mom blamed her for getting sexually assaulted by her live-in boyfriend. She’d put Nona down making her feel unworthy. Due to this talk track playing in Nona’s mind—she’d found herself in a toxic relationship in college. The young man she dated disrespected her, would not allow her to speak much, and showed little to no concern for her well-being, and still Nona sought to please him to prove her worthiness unconsciously.
Dating Down as a Coping Mechanism
What is something that you may need to resolve within yourself—that you may be either consciously or unconsciously using a toxic relationship to prove? Have you believed the lie that you are unworthy of love due to consistent rejection and disappointment? Are you now ready to accept the scraps of what comes your way instead of standing on the business of who you truly are at the core and attracting someone based on that?
Don’t feel bad. We’ve all been there, dating down and ready to place ourselves on clearance for the one willing to buy. However, we cannot stay there. I remember being in a place of fear that I would lose all my guy friends.
The last guy friend I had began to put me down for my skin color before he left from being my friend. I tried to salvage the friendship and only correct him, but God would not allow him to continue to remain in my life. This former friend ended up blocking me because I disagreed with what he shared my outcome in life would be due to my skin color.
Allow God to Resolve Those Needs for You to Avoid Dating Down
When I look back at it—I can see that God was protecting me by allowing him to block me. God wanted me to depend on him—even without any close guy friends. God wanted me to know I should not be moved by fear but faith in him.
After this, God brought one of my guy cousins around more. He also brought my brothers and I closer together as a family. We’d been processing grief due to the loss in our family in unique ways that sometimes isolated us.
In this experience, I was able to see God providing for my inner need for safety, security, and belonging. Dr. Henry Cloud had confirmed in one of his books I was listening to at the time that when we are struggling with loneliness—it isn’t the time for dating. It’s a time when we need to reinforce the healthy relationships we already have with friends and family.
To be honest, I had dated down while going through this experience—but as God began to move in my life—I saw I no longer had to date down. I was worthy of more despite what I’d experienced. The lie in my mind that told me I’d always be fighting to be loved was just that—a lie.
Standing on Who You Are Helps to Avoid Dating Down
I learned to embrace myself once again. This includes my call by God to remain single into my 40s and however long God decides. I’m submitting to whatever plan he has for me. In this, I’ve found the protection and security that I desire. Embracing myself also enables me to hold up healthy boundaries of self-respect.
These are the things that allow us to be ourselves attracting healthy people into our lives. Being ourselves results in the prevention of us dating down. Instead, we date only those who compliment who we truly are. When was the last time you examined yourself to see if you were authentically being yourself or hiding who you truly are out of fear of never being loved?
Please, don’t do that to yourself. As God’s son or daughter, you deserve more. Read, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse,” to learn more and further prepare for whatever God will have for you. It will not be found in dating down.
