When Prayer and the Bible aren't working — Colorfull Bloom

Have you ever felt like despite all of your praying and all of your bible reading that God just wasn’t answering any of your prayers? That He was staying quiet for way too long? You stayed with it though. Tried to stay faithful. You kept believing. However, even in doing “all the things” us Christians do, I’ve been in seasons in my life where I felt very stuck. I needed God to come through for me and nothing happened. I prayed, people prayed for me, I quoted scripture, I listened to worship music, saved a verse as my phone wallpaper, had scriptures taped all over my bathroom mirror. I knew what to do, but didn’t know why it wasn’t working.

So without really knowing it, I gave up. Not on being a Christian, but in thinking anything would get better. I wasn’t seeing anything happen. And really I think I grew weary from hoping for so long without seeing any fruit. So I came to the conclusion I think a lot of us do—“This is just my life.” Sadly, I applied that mindset to a lot of areas. I think this is one of the most dangerous things people believe about themselves. It’s one of the most detrimental lies the enemy wants us to believe. If we believe that, then we’re definitely not fulfilling the plans God has for us (Jer 29:11). So I was trapped in this weird limbo of knowing I was going to heaven, but my life down here wasn’t really going all that great. Somewhere between believing Jesus died on the cross, but also having no knowledge of the freedom that comes with that cross, there I was. I had asked Jesus into my heart. Check. So, yes—I was going to heaven. But at the same time, I didn’t live in any type of joy or fulfillment. In fact it was quite the opposite. Normally, I’m pretty light-hearted and carefree, but nobody knew I also lived in perpetual and paralyzing fear. Fear of what other people thought of me to such a degree it would silence my entire voice. Fear that held me prisoner in my own devised reality. I constantly took things personally. If someone looked at me sideways, I interpreted that as them not liking me. Any and everything triggered my insecurities. Everything was about me. How people made me feel. How I thought people were conspiring against me. I lived in a prison, one that I had built myself. I was weighed down in shame. I’m sure it was a life the enemy was pretty pleased I was living in. Years had gone by living this way. Did you hear what I said? Years. Y-E-A-R-S. Please don’t misunderstand me. I loved God with all of my heart. I went to church. I had been in His presence. I heard His voice. Yet, this was how I—as a Christian—lived out my life on a daily basis. In short, I was jacked up. Big time. I lived my life through the lens of all of my issues. That was the limbo I lived in. Jesus lived in my heart, yet I still lived my life enslaved by all these crazy things. I was stuck. I tried masking over it with other things, but of course those were all temporary “fixes”.

Have you ever tried putting a band-aid on someone who was bleeding internally? Yeah, me neither. Because it wouldn’t work. You can’t put a bandage on the outside when you know the issue is coming from deep inside. I think the same thing goes with our walk with the Lord. I mean I ain’t no doctor, but I think it’s fair to say that if you don’t look inside to find out the source of why you’re bleeding, it could mean the difference between life and death. For me, something just wasn’t right. I had lived in so much fear and a distorted way of seeing my world. I believed lies about me and God. But all of that clarity didn’t start sinking in though until I met my husband. My limbo living really hit home when I got married. Whew! There’s nothing like a serious relationship that will bring out all of your crap. And believe me, I was crapping all over the place. My poor husband. My poor family. My poor friends. My poor self. I hope you’re following along here. I am not talking about literal poop. Although, it’s a very good metaphor.

So I finally got honest with myself. Real. Honest. Something I had never done before. I had to ask myself tough questions. And the toughest part—answering them. I couldn’t get honest with God unless I got honest with myself first. He knew all my answers, anyway (Ps 139:1-4, 13). So He basically waited for me to catch up. So what did getting honest look like for me? I had to dig into my past. We’re shaped from our childhood environments and it was time to explore what came out of all that. Doesn’t that sound like a blast?! “Let’s get crazy on Friday night and talk about painful parts of our childhood!”—said no one ever. Yeah, exactly. No one said it was gonna be fun, but a necessary start to freedom. I attended a lot of classes through my church. Classes that taught me about God’s truth and helped me expose lies I believed. I took classes in a very small and safe group where I told people about all of my stuff. I came face to face with myself. And you know what, I had a buttload of work to do. I was someone who never really dealt with anything emotionally difficult. I was an avoider at the core. So I always avoided any feelings and stuffed them way down inside. It’s a great trait to have for any type of relationship, let me tell ya. In my family we just didn’t have conversations like that. So it took time for me to learn how to even communicate how I was feeling in the first place! Which was a feat in itself. I’m several years in at this point, and just dove in real deep over this last year. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was really hard. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through. Lots of tears were shed. I hated the process of it all. I was uncomfortable. I was embarrassed. But I kept going. And I kept sharing. And now I can honestly say I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world. I found so much healing over the last year in sharing my stuff in a healthy and safe space. One of my new favorite scriptures is James 5:16 which says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” My favorite part being the confessing part. And healing really came out of all my work, and God’s faithfulness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a work in progress, but I can say I don’t live in that fear anymore. And I have a freedom I didn’t have before. I don’t say that to boast, but to encourage anyone else that He’s ready to do the same for you! He wants freedom for you more than you want it for yourself!

So yeah, that’s a little bit of my history. Super fun stuff, right? Ha no, it’s not. But I can tell you from personal experience it was worth it. God has a plan for each one of us. I didn’t believe that before. For me, it was such a cliche thing to hear all the time, but now I believe it with all of my heart! Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” So if my messy past and growth path encourages just one person to pursue a new life of freedom, then yes—it has definitely worked together for our good! As they say, God makes a message from our mess! Have grace for yourself. It’s a process. Our lives with God are a journey, not a destination. It takes time for head knowledge to transfer to heart knowledge. And when His truth lives down in your heart, it’s a game changer. We’re taught a lot of things we know about God in our heads, but what we truly believe about Him deep down inside of our hearts is what transforms our lives. I recently heard an awesome quote from Sheila Walsh, “It’s a beautiful thing that God will do with a broken life—if you give him all the pieces.” He’s ready when you are.

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash