Why did I stay stuck so long? - Divorce Minister
This is a good question to ask ourselves after a divorce from a cheater. Some people break free faster than others. That said, others take a long time coming to terms with their marriage’s end.
I really struggled with the end of my marriage.
Three things really kept me stuck:
1) I had a very strong anti-divorce stance at the time.
I came to my first marriage with a complete commitment to work through anything. My thought was that this was shared with my (now) ex-wife. It was not.
My bad theology on divorce kept me in a relationship longer than what was healthy. I tolerated things, like emotional infidelity, that a spouse ought never to tolerate.
2) I struggled to frame my divorce in a way that was biblical, initially.
Up until I learned about the Other Man, I was really struggling with accepting the divorce. To be honest, even after discovering him, I wanted the marriage to survive. Thankfully, it didn’t.
I had to have a solid reason to accept the divorce. One of my problems was my ex was pursuing the divorce without a biblical reason to divorce me. Yet I had to deal with the reality that the divorce was going to happen regardless of how I felt.
Thankfully(?), I was given a solid reason to divorce in the OM. Even without that, I think my divorce could have been justified via I Corinthians 7:15 regarding an unbeliever leaving.
3) I was economically vulnerable to her when the divorce occurred.
This was a BIG reason I stayed stuck. My career was struggling to launch during the Great Recession. Put another way, I lacked the economic strength to leave on my own.
Obviously, God provided and I found my way to such independence. However, this path forward was unseen at the time of my crisis.
My encouragement to faithful spouses is to work on this economic strength so that you are not utterly vulnerable to your cheater in this area. It is hard. However, it is worthwhile.
Even after I achieved such independence, I was still stuck on point #1. I had to let go of that past belief system and accept my first spouse was someone other than I had thought I married.
Can you relate?
What was it or is it for you that keeps you stuck?
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*A version of this post ran previously.
