For forty-plus years I’ve suffered with disappointaphobia. It’s true; I made up that word, but the fear is as real as the keyboard I’m typing on. 

The Bible warns, “The fear of mankind is a snare” (Prov. 29:25), highlighting that fear of disappointing others leads us to tie ourselves up into all kinds of terrible knots. 

  • We’re afraid of disappointing the people we love so we silence hard words that need to be said. 
  • We’re afraid of disappointing our boss at work so we settle for chronic burnout. 
  • We’re afraid of disappointing our children so we sign them up for every activity under the sun and reduce family time to carlines and chicken nugget meals. 
  • We’re afraid to disappoint ourselves so we avoid the kind of risk that requires real trust in Jesus. 

Constructing your life on the premise that you can forever avoid disappointing anyone is like building your dream house on a foundation of sand. Of course you will disappoint people. You’re only human after all. So who can teach us a better way? Jesus can. 

While the Gospels provide the powerful story of Jesus’ life, ministry, and mission to save us, they also make up the textbook for dealing with the fear of disappointing others. Jesus disappointed people—lots of people. There was one group in particular whose expectations He chronically failed to meet: the Pharisees. 

We see them on the pages of Scripture for the first time in Matthew 9. Consider their interaction with the Savior. 

As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax office, and he said to him, “Follow me,” and he got up and followed him.

While he was reclining at the table in the house, many tax collectors and sinners came to eat with Jesus and his disciples. (vv. 9–10)

Don’t see the Pharisees yet? They’re lurking in the background with a scowl on their faces. 

When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” (v. 11)

They were disappointed by Jesus’ choices and His associations. As the Gospels unfold we find them disappointed with what He said and what He didn’t say, where He went and where He didn’t go, how He prayed and how He didn’t pray, what He did on the sabbath and what He didn’t do on the sabbath . . . you get the idea. It’s crazy to write this, since He’s the King of kings and Lord of lords, but the Pharisees were disappointed in who Jesus was.

I take comfort in knowing that Jesus disappointed people too. If the men He came to die for were disappointed in Jesus, then I—a sinner—shouldn’t expect to avoid disappointing other sinners. But Jesus also shepherds us toward a better way to respond when we let other people down. See what you hear in His words to the disappointed Pharisees:

Now when he heard this, he said, “It is not those who are well who need a doctor, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy and not sacrifice. For I didn’t come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:12–13)

These few verses provide a wealth of wisdom about how to handle our fear of disappointing others. Notice:

  • Jesus did not get defensive by trying to convince the Pharisees that His actions met their standards. 
  • He stayed laser focused in His mission. 
  • He pointed His detractors to Scripture, recognizing that their real beef was with God’s standards. 
  • He did not adjust His methods based on their criticism. 
  • He called them to Himself. What grace!

Every time the Pharisees expressed their disappointment in Jesus, He gave a similar response. Rather than absorbing their disappointment or reacting to it, Jesus could clearly see the brokenness in the hearts of His criticizers. Without bitterness or reactionism, He reminded them what was true. He stayed focused on His mission and rooted in the love of His Father. 

Jesus’ critics could not be appeased. He did not try. We never see Him compromising, cowing to, or matching their criticism. But He loved them—oh, how He loved them—all the way to the cross!

Freedom from disappointaphobia is neither easy nor effortless, but Jesus did it and then had the audacity to call us to follow Him in all things. 

There’s a second half to that proverb, you know? It’s sure proof that you don’t have to get comfortable with the snares that fear of man sets.

The fear of mankind is a snare,
but the one who trusts in the Lord is protected. (Proverbs 29:25)

You will disappoint people; this is evidence of your deep brokenness and desperate need for a Savior. Yet because of that Savior, your life need not be like a compass gone haywire, twirling and whirling in every direction except true north. 

Set your sights on Jesus. Let Him comfort you when criticism comes. Let His Word remind you that your identity is hidden deeply in Christ, never in the opinions of others. Let His life show you how to stay focused on what truly matters when you miss the mark that others set for you. 

If this blog post by Erin has been helpful to you, would you consider partnering with us to provide more resources like this to women desperately in need of finding freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ? Revive Partners are part of a team of faithful monthly contributors whose gifts make it possible for Revive Our Hearts to produce biblically rich content to help women be fruitful in every season of life. Learn more by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com/partner.