A failed date does not define you.
Yet you feel like it was all about you.
There are a list of variables as to why a date didn’t go well. Some of them do have to do with you. Maybe you brought your rejection anxiety to the date. Maybe you went into this date with a self-fulfilling prophecy that you are not worthy of being on this very date. Maybe there are lies you believe about all men that you are bringing with you. This is your baggage.
Maybe you simply discerned (part-brain, part-instinct, and part-Holy-Spirit) that this was not a good match. Bravo to you. This is a part of brave dating. We have a lot here on this website to help your discerner.
Maybe it is him. Maybe something is going on with him. Maybe he’s not over his ex. Maybe he has insecurities. Maybe he is overwhelmed with you. Maybe he “friendzones” too quickly in all of his relationships. Maybe he can hold a conversation by text but not in person. Maybe he discerned this is not a good match.
You are not going to know the baggage he brought to the date. You are only familiar with yours. What is familiar to you is the window of how you view this date. Which means you may shame yourself believing that something is wrong with you. When simply this is a date that just didn’t work out. This was simply not a match.
You don’t need to personalize the rejection. It often doesn’t have to do with you. You are not too much. You are not not enough.
Every not match or bad match will eventually lead to a good match. You have to be matching to try to get to that good match. This means every person you date is not going to be the one until he/she is the one.
This means you must try again. You will meet someone else and you should try again.
If you see your baggage, work on healing your baggage. Your gift of people want you to work on it and are there for you. If this date revealed something about you, good. You’ve been given a gift you didn’t have before.
Otherwise, don’t sabotage yourself for a date gone dudly. There are too many variables as to why and many of those variables don’t have to do with you.
And big truth for you: First date skills have nothing to do with what kind of a husband or wife that date will make. Maybe you want to try a second date because “something” is there worth checking again.
There are so many variables in finding your love for a lifetime. Being in love is not enough. Being Christian is not enough. Which means many first dates. Some awkward dates. Some failed dates. Some magic dates, but that may not even be enough.
Lean into this vulnerability of dating. It requires bravery and not self-sabotage and shame. Self-sabotage and shame feels like safety. You can choose to let your defenses and your excuses keep you locked up in a small world. Or you can make a brave decision and date again. With all those variables still in play.
This is probably why you hate dating.
I hope to create a spirit of adventure for you for dating. To help you brave into possibility. (Vulnerability is the birthplace of bravery.)
To mix with the real that you will have times of hating dating.
Because one day you will find that match.
Originally published at Bravester with permission from Brenda Seefeldt Amodea.