How Do We Honor an Abusive Parent?

Where do we draw the line?

Abuse comes in many forms.  A child can
be brought up well, clothed and fed, and with all his needs supplied except for
the all-important need for love and approval. No physical harm is ever done to him, yet, as
each year goes by, his spirit shrivels up inside him more and more, just as a
plant will shrivel without sunlight, desperate for the smallest demonstration
of affection.  Eventually, he grows to
adulthood, yet he is crippled inside by the indifference of his parents. 

On the other hand, a child’s spirit may be broken at an early age just by being
constantly told that he is useless and a waste of space.  Everything he attempts is mocked at, until he
gives up trying to do anything at all.  Because
very young children naturally believe what their parents say about them, the
child who suffers this treatment will gradually withdraw into himself, retiring
behind an invisible wall and simply existing rather than living.  Although never suffering physically at the
hands of their parents, they are still crippled in their spirits.  As grown-ups, they find it difficult to make
friends, and are unable to relate normally to other adults.

So, child abuse can be subtle.  There is,
of course, the more obvious kind, such as when a child is neglected, kicked and
beaten and, worse still, sexually abused. The damage such abuse causes can last a
lifetime.  But now for the big question,
how do we obey God’s commandment to honor parents who behave with such cruelty
toward their own children?

Those who have trusted Jesus as their savior have a real Heavenly Father who
desires only our good and never seeks to harm us. (See Jeremiah 29:11)   He is
“a father to the fatherless.” (Psalm 68:5a)  And the Lord will use everything, even
horrible acts, for good for those who love Him. (See Romans 8:28)  When we surrender our will to Him, we will see
His work in our life.

The Apostle John wrote, “This is the confidence we have
in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.
And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we
asked of him.” (1 John 5:14-15)  It will
not be long before any child of God willing to trust Him will begin to sense
the Holy Spirit at work in his heart and life.  God promises that, “I will give you a new heart and put a
new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a
heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

The next step for someone who has been abused is to be willing to forgive.  This, too, will seem to be impossible,
especially for those who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse.  Bitterness can sink into their souls, weighing
them down like iron, yet there is nothing the Holy Spirit cannot soften and clean.
Because “…all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27)  Our Lord understands our pain because, “…he
was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God’s power.” (2 Corinthians 13:4)

There is no reason to be afraid of being honest with God.  If you find it difficult to forgive the evil
of a parent’s behavior, talk to God about it.  It is true that unforgiveness is sin, but only
deliberate unforgiveness, where we have set our hearts like stone and promised
that never again will we even consider forgiveness for those who have hurt us
so badly.  A child of God going to his
Father for help with something he cannot do for himself will find not an angry,
threatening God waiting to punish him, but a Father with a heart full of
overwhelming love, compassion, and a desire to help.

So, what does honoring an abusive parent look like in real life?  Here are some practical tips:

Call your parent and listen.  Remain quiet rather than defend yourself when
hurtful things are said.  Let go of
expectations that your parent will ever be the parent you want them to be;
replace your disappointment and sadness with acceptance of who the person is.  Cultivate an attitude of compassion for the
things your parent did right and express gratitude for even slight efforts to
show love.  Refrain from making
disparaging remarks about your parent to other family members. Create safe boundaries so that you can reduce sinful
temptations for you and your parent.

One thing forgiveness and honor are not, though, is a permanent submission to
parental authority.  The Bible commands
honor, but not remaining a prisoner in a dysfunctional family.  Families with a destructive cycle of sin are
very dangerous, and children who break free need to find safety in the family
of God, which is every Christian’s true family.  Dysfunctional families are oppressed with
addiction, violence, and an absence of safe boundaries.  These traits will be like a millstone around
the neck, dragging the child towards the same sinful patterns.  It is much like overcoming addiction; when a
person desires sobriety, he cannot associate with people who abuse drugs. (See Proverbs
13:20)

Also, in cases in which the grandchildren are exposed to the threat of physical
harm or sexual assault, it becomes the adult child’s responsibility to protect
their own children.  There is no guilt in
keeping one’s distance from abusive parents, as long as the separation is not
motivated by revenge.  You can honor your
parents from a distance.  Sadly, some
parents do not value their children enough to maintain a relationship. The void left by a broken relationship should
be filled by Christ rather than longing for a parental relationship that will
never be.

By focusing on your own relationship with Christ, you can experience real
healing. Without salvation there is no
hope for anyone, but in Christ we are new creations able to do anything He
calls us to do. (See 2 Corinthians 5:17)  It is also possible that the parent will
repent; thus, a relationship could be formed based on Christ’s abundant love
and grace.  You could be the light that
leads your unsaved or wayward parent to repentance and salvation. (See 1
Corinthians 9:19)

Just as Jesus loved us in our sinful state, we can honor an abusive parent.  It means showing grace and compassion to those
who do not deserve it, so that God is glorified, and the obedient are blessed
and rewarded. (See Matthew 5:44-48; 1 John 4:18-21)