Under three things the earth quakes,
And under four, it cannot endure:

…Under an unloved woman when she gets a husband…

-Proverbs 30:21, 23a, NASB

I wonder how many of us, faithful spouses, had a spouse who confessed to feeling like they were unlovable.

If you were like me, you took that as a challenge to prove such a sad notion wrong. You were convinced that you could be the one who could love your spouse so well that she would realize she was, indeed, lovable.

The problem is we are not God, and that is a God-sized problem.

The project was doomed from the start. No spouse can fill that hole. None of us are that good or that perfect of a performer.

With an “unloved woman,” every marriage conflict or difficulty turns into referendums on her worth. The more you sacrifice determines–in her mind–the more she is “worth.”

To say this is not sustainable is an understatement.

Determining your worth via a spouse is idolatry. It will not end well for either party in that marriage.

At some point, the idol will be exposed as deficient.

Then–because the root idolatry was not handled–the idolater will find another shiny idol–i.e. an affair partner. That is how this works.

On the other hand, we–faithful spouses–need to change our minds–i.e. repent–of the hubris that we can fix an unlovable spouse. If we do not, we may be doomed to pick another cheater and experience this cycle from the discarded side.