Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?
Is Lack of Wisdom or Bad Advice Keeping You Single?
I’m somewhat privy to many conversations that take place in the world of singles as a single woman. I’ve also had my own experiences in living this life. A constant that I’ve come into contact with is a fear of dating due to a lack of knowledge. This keeps us stuck. Also, I’ve run into older women, some married, and some single, who give single women bad advice—keeping them single.
Bad Advice I’ve Noticed Keeping Christian Women Single
I’ve had conversations with some older married women. In their love and care for me, they’ve tried to warn me about men by sharing as many negative experiences from their peers as possible. Some of these women would go on to say things like, “When I was single, I did not even want to be married so I do not understand.”
This statement along with the negative stories of female peers who are trying to date and get to know men hopefully for marriage is discouraging, to say the least. The latter part of the statement saying when she was single, she did not want to be married is also problematic as it implies that having a desire for marriage is somehow shameful or ungodly. Or it implies that having a desire for marriage will lead to a poor outcome like her friends who are struggling. It isn’t wrong to desire a healthy God-honoring marriage. It’s wrong to become desperate for marriage making an idol out of it—resulting in poor decisions and lack of discernment.
I’d spoken with a young lady who was 24. She’d shared that she did not know what was wrong with her for not having a child yet. I asked her if she was married. She said no. I asked why she would be concerned about having a child without being married. Her mom had shared with her that marriages normally don’t stay together. She went on to share that her grandma had shared this with her mother. A seed was planted that marriage doesn’t work so if a woman desires children she should plan to be a single mother.
Finally, a lack of wisdom is a common topic. Many of us primarily got the don’t have sex before marriage from the church and let a man find us. That was it. There’s a lot of information missing between that and the altar. Not because the church was holding out on us, but because many of those in the church did not know much about marriage preparation. Marriage was a natural next step for the previous generation. It was super easy to marry whether you were well-developed as a person or not. Things are different now as Millennials and beyond.
Because many women desire to marry a man without compromising the security we find in singleness through obeying God; we don’t know how to approach dating in a way that will still honor God. Rather than taking a chance risking making a mistake or possibly being successful; we stay stuck waiting for a relationship to come together out of the blue. Many of us lack points of reference for women who have desired to honor God in their relationships and made it to marriage successfully doing so.
The bad advice confirms the fear single women already have or produces fear in those who weren’t fearful:
All of the bad advice plus the lack of wisdom keep single Christian women in a place of stagnation. Due to this fear, many women will not take the necessary steps in putting themselves out there by being intentional in growing in areas that will make them good partners outside of just the spiritual. I will say the spiritual is the foundation and of utmost importance and nothing else can be fully successful in our lives without having a firm spiritual foundation on Christ and his Word.
However, the Holy Spirit will lead us and guide us into all truth. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit will send someone across our path to awaken us from our slumber of the familiar. He will cause us to take responsibility in areas where we need to grow. He will also correct all wrong perspectives with truth so we can move forward in freedom building healthy relationships with others.
The more we walk in this freedom—the more others will be attracted to our light and our network of people will grow. This increases our chances of meeting someone awesome. We can get referrals or exposure to others on social media by growing our network with other people period. This means allowing ourselves to develop outside of our fears.
It also means being intentional about not only potential romantic relationships, but healthy relationships in general with friends, family, co-workers, siblings, parents, and yes potential men who show interest.
Upon getting over our fears through faith, wisdom, and confronting our fears we grow. It’s this social growth that comes from the inner development of simply being that is often stifled and stifles our ability to meet someone that can lead to something serious and beautiful. Pride is something that many single women depend on to protect them from dealing with the fear they feel.
The answer that will break the wrong thinking patterns that can keep us stuck in singleness:
First, we will need to develop our relationship with God for ourselves. This will help us to avoid being manipulated into the unhealthy thinking patterns of others. The Spirit of Christ will lead us and guide us into all truth. It is the truth that will make us experience freedom in our lives.
Second, we have to take responsibility for seeking out the wisdom that is in alignment with God’s word. We will have to be humble enough to realize we don’t have it altogether. We will need to get support from others walking in balance. Balance means the lack of imbalance. Only focusing on the negative experiences of others is an imbalance. It sets women up for an expectation of dread and negativity.
Thus, women began to attract that in their lives and aren’t open to meeting appropriate men out of fear that all men are the same.
The Bible doesn’t warn women to avoid men or to be afraid of men. It does warn us to practice discernment. This is a skill of having the appropriate judgment to discern who would be wise to allow close to you or not.
If you do not have examples of the types of men who should get close to you in your life; you will not know who you should allow close to you or not. Pray to the Lord, who is your helper to bring godly men into your life, who can be an example of what you’ll need to look for. These many can help with clarity in discernment when you aren’t sure about continuing with a particular gentleman you are dating.
Often these men may already be married or you aren’t attracted to them—but you have a platonic friendship with these men. They act as a covering to help you to see things from both a male and female perspective. Focus on building a healthy community first before launching out into dating so you will have the help you need in addition to the Holy Spirit and Word of God. This greatly reduces the risk of you making a very costly mistake.
With your inner development and new openness—you’ll be in a position to date in a healthy manner and sooner whether than later get into a healthy marriage. We don’t just want to be married, but we want healthy marriages that honor Christ and they are possible when both men and women are willing to put off the barriers keeping them stuck and do the work necessary to move forward.
I will be offering a coaching program this May relating to single Christian women who desire marriage to walk in confidence and wholeness while being open to meeting people who can lead to a healthy relationship and marriage in a natural progression. Join my newsletter for more info on when the group coaching will be available: Click here. The Top 3 Dating Fears Course is available free with the email list sign-up. Information for the class will be in the email upon sign-up or visit link using code free at checkout. No credit card is needed for the free course when using code: “FREE.”