One Wall Down…

I wanted Daniel out of my room, his presence in my room was making me see everything I didn’t even want to see or remember.

I was surprised when I turned around and I still found Daniel sitting on my bed.
With his eyes on me, I gave him the excuse I always give to him, give to everyone who act like they cared.

‘I’m sorry, but everyone is involved in this kind of stuff.’

His eyes didn’t leave my face, so I added, ‘I’m human too, am I not?’

‘Tell me, tell me why you keep doing this stuff even when you know it shouldn’t be for you?’

Ah, great. The question I’ve been waiting for ever since we started this conversation. Maybe now he’ll understand when I try to explain.

I relaxed. I felt relieved.

‘First off, I hate it when people think I’m pretending when I’m just being me. They’ll say I’m just acting. Everyone does this kind of thing. How can you claim to be different? Aren’t you part of society too? Or were you born in the times when people worshipped in temples. These questions are pricking, and no matter how hard I try to act like they weren’t getting to me, they were actually getting to me. They are getting to me. I thought about it, all these people, most of them are persons I grew up with. Others are people I meet virtually every day. We talk together, eat together and sometimes we go for sleep overs together. Do you think it’s easy to just shut your eyes to all these things and be the only crayon in the midst of pencils. These people are my people. And, I just can’t ignore them or quit talking to them because their lifestyles are a contrast to the new nature I’ve been introduced to.
At first, I thought I could win them over by loosening a bit, by leaving the princess crown given to me by God at home when I go on outings with them and whenever we converse.
I realized it wasn’t easy doing stupid things because you’ve left your crown behind, because when I returned to wear my crown, guilt and feeling of wretchedness made me blind that I couldn’t find my crown. I searched for it. Yet, thanks to guilt, it stayed hidden.

I felt lost, I experienced death without dying the real death.
But wait, I thought you’d have to act like them to win them over. Mine didn’t work, I saw them slowly winning me over. Winning me into their messy lifestyle. I wanted to let go, but I felt stuck. Stuck to them, stuck to everything they offered to me. .
Oh! How I hurt God.

I was a princess, God’s princess, God’s Royal Priesthood, yet I chose friends who weren’t really friends over God who had washed me clean. Imagine giving him the job of washing me again. I wasn’t even thinking then! I let so many things happen then.

Stupid me actually felt I could break some walls and keep some walls high, little did I know that the fact that I let one wall fall, automatically made every wall collapse.
The walls kept falling without control.
I was losing myself in the midst of just letting a little bit happen. I thought I could allow some things into my life and still keep God’s crown.

I was breaking into little pieces and I couldn’t fix any of what was happening.

How could I have known I couldn’t please two beings at a time. How did I even let God out of everything? I wanted to be God’s princess forever, flaunting my crown and walking on the heads of demons.
Now, here I am, living with demons in my head. They knew I’d come back to them, that’s what they say to me every time I try to start a conversation with God. They tell me it’s all over. That once fallen, forever down. I didn’t want to be down. I want to be up there with God in heavenly places. How could I have known loosening up just a little would ruin me this way?

I know I should have stopped visiting, yet the feeling of being called names kept me coming over and over again.
I know I should be different, I know there’s much more I’ve been called to. Much more than giving in to society simply because I didn’t want to be kicked out of the fold.
Even though ‘kicked out of the fold’ is where I’ve really got to be, since I didn’t want to walk out myself.

I just wasn’t used to criticism and judgements of people. I wasn’t used to being told I’m not acting the way I ought to act. I just wanted to let them know that whether I was a Christian or not, they could still have me. How could I have forgotten I belong to someone else now and I don’t dictate my life anymore? But I’m sorry, I promise I’m sorry. You can tell God I’m sorry, I don’t want to feel this lost anymore. I don’t want to hear these voices of condemnation anymore. I forgot my role in God’s kingdom. I forgot I was part of God’s own labourers. I shouldn’t laugh at every joke, listen to every kind of song or even see everyone. I shouldn’t even talk about everything that’s not healthy for me as a daughter of God. I forgot I had to stand out because I walk with a crown now. I totally forgot that it was okay to love my friends and pray for the salvation of their souls and not walk into the net of the devil with them.’

I was crying now, I opened more than I wished to.

‘First step, go to your Father. Your story is not for me, but for your Father. Everyone I know gets to this point, and even if no one understands, God does. He has this nature of understanding and wisdom that cannot be understood.’

I watched Daniel step out of the room, I know he didn’t leave, he’ll come right back after my conversation with God.

I went down on my knees…
‘Dear Father, I feel miserable without you, and I want you back…’

===========================

Do you know what it means to belong to God?
It means you don’t seek for accolades from men, it means you don’t wait to be appreciated by men when you do God’s work. It means you work for the advancement of Your Father’s Kingdom, whether you’re being watched or not.

It means you seek to please God, not society, not friends, not your fleshy desires.
It means you’re moving every single thing over, every person and relationship that’s not keeping you away from being used and blessed by God, you’ve got to move them over.
It means you choose to please God above everything and everyone.
It means you see yourself as someone who works in the vineyard of the Lord.

Everything you do here on earth represents God, for you’ve been bought with a price.

Joy C. Uchenaya