Spouse Abuse – Just How Serious is it?
“So
I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused.”
(Ezekiel 34:22)
“The Chosen Vessel.”
The Master was searching for a vessel to use;
On the shelf there were many – which one would He choose?
Take me, cried the gold one, I’m shiny and bright,
I’m of great value and I do things just right.
My beauty and luster will outshine the rest
And for someone like You, Master, gold would be the best! —-
Then the Master looked down and saw a vessel of clay.
Empty and broken it helplessly lay.
No hope had the vessel that the Master might choose,
To cleanse and make whole, to fill and to use.
By Beulah V. Cornwall
Few things in our culture today are sadder than the
deterioration of the family. It matters
no longer if you’re a Christian. Being
Christian does not insulate you from the invasion of sin into your life.
All around the world women, and sometimes even men, are violated,
neglected, and abused—physically, emotionally, and sexually. For many, the pain and impact of this abuse is
so deep that it shatters every bit of their individuality. On any given Sunday women just like this are
sitting silently in churches across this country. They don’t know a moment’s peace (See Isaiah
59:6-8) and they are worried that their only protectors have left the building.
And they have no hope for how they will
overcome the fear and darkness they live with.
While most of us would agree that God has called us to be
peacemakers, if we’re honest, we prefer that our peacemaking consists of having fellowship over coffee and donuts, or teaching Bible stories in Sunday school.
This is all good. But sometimes being a peacemaker means
flat-out confronting evil. And one great
big evil that needs to be confronted by the Church today is domestic violence.
Why is domestic violence such a threat to the Body of
Christ? Because it’s an enemy we have
given untold power to by keeping it hidden. We don’t talk about it with our teens. We don’t talk about it in premarital
counseling. And we certainly don’t talk
about it on Sunday mornings. National
campaigns to end domestic violence tout the phrase “Break the Silence.” Yet the place where the silence often is maintained
most strongly is in church. Maybe we
avoid the topic of domestic violence because if it’s happening within a
marriage we consider it off-limits. Maybe we shy away because we are uneducated or
haven’t had any personal experience dealing with it. Or maybe because confronting it makes us too
uncomfortable and calls us to have a relational discernment and spiritual
authority we’re not sure we have. Whatever
the reason, our silence is costly.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to
women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Seventy-five percent of all 911 calls are
domestic violence related. One in four
women will personally experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Every 9
seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. It is an evil that pervades all ages,
ethnicities and religious denominations.
God was never silent on the issue of violence, yet
generations of women have given up on Him because the Church, either through
its silence or its misinterpretation of scripture, has told them God does not
care about the cruelty and abuse they suffer. Somewhere along the line, these women were
convinced to grimly stick it out in marriages where they were emotionally,
verbally and physically abused, at the expense of letting their heart die and destroying
any possibility of a relationship with a God who loves them. Most domestic violence victims don’t consider
the church a relevant place to go for help, because when they tried asking for
help in the past, the response they got was weak at best.
Sure, it’s human nature to want to avoid potentially
explosive situations. But we can’t avoid
the fact that Jesus never backed down from them. He didn’t back down from uncomfortable
conversations or violent people, and always offered strong protection to women
being mistreated or needing refuge. (See John 8:1-11) Think about His confrontation with the
demon-possessed men in the region of the Gadarenes. “They were so violent that no one could pass
that way.” (See Matthew 8:28)
With His Father’s love and authority, Jesus stepped right
into the middle of hostile situations time and time again. He stepped in to
confront and He stepped in to protect. And
with His Spirit, He gives us the love and authority we need to do the same. When we really understand God’s heart on this
issue, it becomes clear how we’re supposed to respond, “For he will deliver
the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity
on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them
from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight.” (Psalm 72:12-14)
In his mercy, God does not allow violence and oppression
to continue unchecked. He will eventually
intervene to execute His justice. Also,
cruelty toward one’s wife is the same as unfaithfulness in God’s eyes. It is a misinterpretation of God’s heart to
tell any woman she has to stay in an abusive marriage because she’s been told
that adultery is the only biblical grounds for divorce. When God spoke about divorce in the Bible, he
was usually speaking to men with a heart to protect women.
In Malachi 2:11-17 the men of Israel are
whining to God about why He wasn’t responding to their dramatic prayers and
offerings. God responds, “I’ll tell you
why!” and proceeds to chew them out for making a great show of religion while
at the same time overwhelming their wives with cruelty. The bottom line is, God is Love and Love
always protects. (See 1 Corinthians 13:6-7) As God’s ambassadors here on this earth, we
are also called to protect the weak. A
church leader’s number one priority in a domestic violence situation should be
taking steps to protect the women and children from danger. They should equip
themselves and their church to help victims acquire legal protections if
necessary, and help them navigate the financial and logistical challenges of
escaping an abusive situation.
Second, they should stand up to evil by confronting
abusers and expect perpetrators to demonstrate real repentance by confessing,
taking ownership and engaging in sustained recovery and accountability programs
over time before ever advising the woman to reconcile the marriage
relationship. They must understand that
sometimes God’s redemption of an abusive marriage means reconciling the
relationship and sometimes it doesn’t, just as sometimes His deliverance for a
childless couple means giving them a biological baby and sometimes it means
comforting them through infertility or adoption.
Here are some other things Pastors and the church can do,
and not do, to protect and minister to women who are victims of domestic
violence:
1) Take her seriously when she comes to you for help. Usually by the time she is naming it or saying
she is done, she was done years ago.
2) Ask questions, listen attentively and believe her
(unless the Holy Spirit clearly directs you otherwise).
3) DON’T tell her to be more submissive or more loving as
a solution to the abuse in her relationship.
4) DON’T say “God hates divorce.” She will shut down and not trust you. She may even leave your church and never
return.
5) DON’T send her to file a protective order by herself. This is an overwhelming process to face alone.
6) DO help her understand that setting boundaries and
allowing her spouse to experience consequences is a biblical model of
addressing oppression and abuse.
7) DO follow up to make sure she and her kids are safe
and doing okay.
8) DO have a list of crisis phone numbers, local shelters
and an action plan to help her in any transition.
9) DO have a plan in place with church families or
shelters who are willing to provide temporary housing for women and kids who
may not be in immediate physical danger, but who have to leave an abusive
environment.
10) DO be prepared with grocery or gas cards to cover her
immediate needs if she has no money.
11) DO equip several key leaders who can come alongside
these women and provide prayer and support during crisis situations.
12) DO offer her hope and purpose…she needs to know
God’s got a good plan for her. (Jeremiah 29:11)
13) DO give her ongoing practical help…financial,
housing, childcare assistance, and support as a single parent.
14) DO offer her spiritual reassurance; declare that the
violence done against her was wrong and that seeking protection, even from her
own husband, is biblically warranted. (Colossians 3:19; Psalm 11:5)
Leaving an abusive relationship is usually a frightening
and overwhelming process for a woman. She
needs to know that someone will come alongside her, that she will be loved and
protected, and that God will not abandon her, but will stay close and provide
for her and restore her as she continues to trust in Him.
We as the Church can make sure she knows this by bringing
the evil of domestic violence out into the light, confronting it openly and
taking decisive action against it. When
we do this, we will strip away the enemy’s power to continue oppressing. We must recognize that as the Body of Christ
we are uniquely and POWERFULLY positioned to be the Strong Protector who will
end the tyranny of domestic violence, in individual lives and across our
nation.
Yes, it is a dark and risky place to go, but who better
to go there than those who have been given ALL power and ALL authority to
confront, protect and rescue in Jesus’ name!
Let me conclude by saying that this is one of those
“can of worms” topics that typically people are afraid to open. I realize this. I’m not trying to stir up controversy, nor am
I trying to create a pro-divorce stance out of this subject. I suspect that I am against divorce more than
most of the people who are reading this post. But it seems unkind and unreasonable for a genuinely
abused spouse to have no way of being free from this sinful (and criminal)
activity.
I don’t have a dog in this hunt–my heart just breaks for
them. While I have what I believe is a
sound theology of suffering, I don’t think that trying to end your pain is
wrong when you do it biblically.
Can God change your life?
God has made it possible for you
to know Him, and experience an amazing
change in your own life.
Discover how you can find peace
with God.
