The four horsemen in your relationship
Ephesians 4:2:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
You have probably come across the story of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in various forms, like books, movies, or discussions about the end of the world. This story originates from the Bible, particularly the Book of Revelation, the last book of the New Testament. It is a vivid and symbolic tale of four horsemen. Each represents different aspects of calamity and destruction.
The first horseman rides a white horse, symbolizing conquest or pestilence. The second rides a red horse, representing war. The third rides a black horse, symbolizing famine. And the fourth rides a pale horse, symbolizing death. Together, they signify the onset of the end times and the impending judgment day.
Similar to the four horsemen of the apocalypse, there are four horsemen that can harm your romantic relationship.
These horsemen come from research in psychology and are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism is when you attack your partner's character instead of addressing a specific behavior. For example, saying, "You always leave your dirty dishes in the sink, you are so lazy," instead of, "Could you please remember to wash your dishes?"
Contempt involves feelings of superiority and disdain towards your partner. Examples include mocking, sarcasm, and name-calling. For instance, rolling your eyes when your partner speaks or calling them names like "stupid" or "idiot."
Defensiveness is when you feel attacked and try to protect yourself by making excuses or counter-attacking. For example, if your partner says, "You forgot to pick up the groceries again," and you respond with, "Well, you forgot to remind me!"
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction and shuts down emotionally. This often happens in response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded by emotions. For instance, giving your partner the silent treatment or walking away during an argument without addressing the issue.
It is normal for a few instances of the four horsemen to be present in your relationship. After all, you and your partner are just two imperfect people trying to maintain your connection. However, these horsemen can bring great damage when not addressed properly.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can erode trust and intimacy over time.
Criticism attacks the core of your partner's being. In turn, it causes them to feel unloved and unappreciated. Contempt breeds resentment and bitterness, creating an atmosphere of hostility and negativity. Defensiveness shuts down communication and prevents problem-solving. This leads to unresolved conflicts and escalating tension. Stonewalling shuts out your partner emotionally, leaving them feeling abandoned and unheard.
When left unchecked, these horsemen can spiral out of control. Ultimately, they can lead to the breakdown of your relationship. It is essential to recognize their presence and take proactive steps to address them. This might involve improving communication skills, practicing empathy and understanding, and seeking professional help if necessary.
Keep striving to create a supportive and harmonious connection. And remember, your efforts will ultimately lead to greater happiness and satisfaction in your relationship.
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