The Passive-Aggressive and Biblical Compliance - Damon J. Gray

I had a completely different blog post prepared for this week but set it aside based on a reader message I saw on Thursday. That message jolted me sufficiently that I pondered it at length and opted to write about something entirely different this week. In modern vernacular, we call it “passive-aggressive behavior.”

Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirect resistance, sullen compliance, silent treatment, or hidden hostility. The phrase, passive-aggressive, is a phrase that originated with the U.S. military during World War II. It was a term coined by military psychiatrists to characterize behavior by solders who covertly resisted authority without committing full-on mutiny or insubordination.

Though the phrase “passive-aggressive behavior” is not one we will find in the pages of scripture, the concepts that drive it can be found with relative ease. Where passive-aggressive behavior stems from dark heart attitudes like bitterness, anger, hidden malice, and manipulative impulses, scripture stands in opposition with mandates for honesty, peace-making, and direct, gracious communication.

The Dark Side

Indirect Hostility

Indirect hostility can come in myriad packages. An adversary may come at you through manipulation of others. I once had someone try to get my supervisor to fire me before my first day at a new job. The hostility may wear a facade of compliance while covertly trying to sabotage you or your goals. Indirect hostility sometimes takes the form of subtle sarcasm leaving you puzzled and asking, “What did he/she mean by that?”

The call from scripture is for believers to speak truthfully with one another, and to deal with grievances openly rather than allow resentment to fester. The apostle Paul sets this for the standard of our communication:

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

– Ephesians 4:25, 29, 31-32, ESV

Sometimes that direct, honest communication is unpleasant, but it is still the best approach. Honest, even painful directness is more trustworthy than a “kiss,” or a polite, but deceitful exterior.

Better is open rebuke
    than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
– Proverbs 27:5-6, ESV

Sullen Compliance

The poster child for passive-aggressiveness is agreement with resistance. This is the person who complies with instructions but does so in the most agonizingly frustrating, foot-dragging way imaginable. It is the child who dejectedly agrees to clean their room, but instead of getting it done in fifteen minutes, it drags on for three hours.

What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, “Son, go and work in the vineyard today.” And he answered, “I will not,” but afterward he changed his mind and went. And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, “I go, sir,” but did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?”
– Matthew 21:28-31, ESV

In Jesus’ parable, both responses have flaws, but the second son demonstrates the danger of giving a compliant answer while demonstrating disobedience—saying the right thing to keep the peace while passively refusing to follow through.

Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
– Colossians 3:22-24, ESV

Bitterness & Resentment

Passive-aggressive posturing can bloom from repressed anger or deeply-rooted bitterness. When a person nursing such emotions feels powerless to alter their circumstance, or if they fear direct confrontation, the emotive squall grows within them till it begins to leak out in indirect ways. Bitterness, and excessive anger are never applauded in scripture.

Recall one if the verses from Ephesians, noted above.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
– Ephesians 4:31, ESV

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
– Hebrews 12:15, ESV

The Biblical Pathway

Rather than nursing a cycle of sabotage and unspoken resentment, scripture calls us to direct interactions, robed in grace. We are to speak the truth, yes, but to speak that truth in love.¹ It is far preferable to address issues openly, hopefully calmly, and honestly, than it is to allow issues to rot and fester into passive resistance.

God understands that we will be angry at times, and he warns us not to sin based on that anger.² If you do, go make that right.

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
– Matthew 5:23-24, ESV

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
– Matthew 18:15, ESV

In both cases, when I am sinned against, or I have sinned against another, Jesus says I am to take the initiative. Go to them and do what I can to make it right. Sometimes I cannot achieve restoration, but I am obligated to try.

Toward the end of his letter to Rome, the apostle Paul provides us a beautiful summary of striving for relational harmony. It is not comprehensive, of course, but he covers a lot of ground in just a few statements.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
– Romans 12:16-21, ESV (bold mine)

1. Ephesians 4:15
2. Ephesians 4:26