Our Story of Committed Love - Bravester

(Picture of “old” us at Citi Field at a NY Mets game because sports is one of our love languages.)

I am an avid follower of Gen Z writer and influencer, Freya India. She writes words about what I love about teens and 20somethings and my worries for them.

Once again she wrote this and it inspired me.

“What I’m most envious of is how people used to fall in love, how they used to stay in love. Many young people today were exposed to online porn before they even had a first kiss. Many of us have never known finding love without swiping and subscription models. We have never known flirting before it became sending DMs or reacting to Snapchat Stories with flame emojis.

“Romance is being killed in other ways, too. Our therapeutic culture pathologises love, convincing us that everything is a trauma response, that being dependent on someone is a deficiency. Science and reason remind us that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. Now a crush on someone is just an attachment issue.

“Ultimately I think we are raising a generation full of doubt. The psychologist Erich Fromm talks about ‘faith’ and ‘doubt’ as being character traits, as sort of dispositions of the soul. We are a chronically doubtful generation—of ourselves, of the world, of love, of each other. And we think this feeling of doubt is a reason not to commit to things, whereas really, we are doubtful because we don’t commit.

“So, if I’m honest, I’m probably asking you about this because I just like talking about marriage. I love to hear about love, and what it takes—the compromise, the sacrifice, and what comes from that. My generation is starved for love stories. Or commitment stories, you could say.” –Freya India https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/rejecting-the-machine (Subscribe to her.)

Dear Freya and all the others with the same ache in their souls,

Here is one story of committed love. Mine. The story that inspires me to keep making my brave faith decisions.

I first fell in love somewhere around age 16. But it was not a love for a lifetime. Thankfully it was not a damaging love that shaped my future decisions. First loves have that possibility.

I fell in love two other times before I married my now husband of 28 years. Both of those were great matches. What I mean by that is there was chemistry and there was friendship and there was likemindedness. But sometimes love is not enough for a love for a lifetime. Both didn’t want to marry a pastor and all that comes along with that.

I did date a lot in those years. Because I was dateable but only for so long because most didn’t want to date a pastor. I could have suffered from a lot of rejection but I learned this dating practice of having my vanity.

Vanity is that something inside of me that says “I am worth it so I will decide to…” In my case, I decided to trust God to wait for the better match because I am worth it. I also decided to not waste my heart on those lesser guys who would only have a few dates with me…because I’m worth it.

I also never had to try to find love by swiping and subscription models. I do believe this would have broken me. I had my vanity and I was honest and forthright about my call to be a pastor. Because of this I had a rule that if any guy asked me out I would say yes. They knew they were asking out a pastor, but I also often thought they really didn’t know what being a pastor means as was proven by no second date. Good thing I had my vanity. The amount of fakery on dating apps never would have allowed me to keep that rule.

It was that rule that allowed me to meet my husband. We were acquaintances who liked talking to each other. But there was no chemistry, no attraction, at least on my side.

John did do the shocking move and called me on the telephone back in 1994 and asked me out. It was an actual direct ask. I was caught off guard and said yes because that was my rule.

We went on a couple of dates that are a blur to this day. I was “meh” about the whole thing and we stopped the dates but continued to talk on the phone. We had a fundraiser we were working on together which is how we met in the first place. Over time our fundraiser talk lessened as we started talking about our lives. The fundraiser never happened.

I loved this season of being friends with John. He was safe. He was good to talk to. I felt seen and heard and no expectations. In hindsight this was truly foundational.

Until that one day John declared we could no longer be “just friends.” He felt differently and made that brave declaration. I was moved to uncomfortable because I wanted the friendship but I didn’t want his baggage.

John is twice-divorced and comes from a family of dysfunction. I couldn’t believe that God’s best for me was this mess. With hindsight wisdom, his two divorces barely affected our marriage, but the family dysfunction did.

When life becomes uncomfortable it is time to recognize the holy tension of it and go through the holy tension of it to figure out what is going on. For me this was a wrestling with God time which culminated in a week-long fast. I came out of that time with a clear decision. I loved this guy, I was attracted to this guy, and we were getting married. To which John agreed wholeheartedly. There’s the romance of our relationship. A long friendship and a decision.

A year and a half later we were married in a wedding ceremony that gave me zero nerves. I was that sure. The only reason why we waited that long to get married is we didn’t want to get married during MLB baseball or NFL football seasons. Sports is one of our love languages.

It is in the marriage that the romance really starts.

I don’t know how John has done it. With zero role models in his before-marriage life, his life goal is to be a good husband. He is. His first instinct is to serve. He’s a giver. He supports my dreams. Every day I feel beautiful with this man. He tells me that often. Though it took a while, I believe him. Even as I’ve aged, I know I still take his breath away mostly because he tells me so often. With my aging body failing me, this never failing from him keeps my confidence up.

John is far from perfect but he has a desire to learn. This is such a good quality.

The largest family baggage John brought into our marriage was his attitude towards money. As a pastor I’ve always lived on a very tight budget because I’m a pastor. He lived as if money was falling out of his pocket, which is how his family lived. It was just a year into our marriage when the money ran out. With money falling out of his pocket we had lots of extravagant and memorable dates. When it ran out, he continued to live like that reasoning that my budgeting was not realistic. Until we ended up with a large debt load. He was right and I was wrong, until I became so right as we’ve lived with reducing this debt now for 26 years.

This is a breach of trust. Trust is so core to a marriage.

How have we overcome this to reach 28 years of marriage? Both of us have a commitment to the institution of marriage. We decided before we got married that divorce is not an option. But I don’t feel trapped in a disappointing marriage. John has continued to learn. John has remained humble. John has persevered. John has hustled to find extra ways to decrease this debt. John has continued to be a giver and support my very not profitable and very rewarding career. John has allowed me to become this brave story.

In return, John has been allowed to do/dream/pursue whatever he wants.  He loves being an entrepreneur. With that sort of freedom, he has become a great provider, a great man of God, happy, with a devoted wife who loves him so much.  John has become who he has always wanted to be.

It helps that being married to me is near perfection. Not. I’ve had to grow and learn too. But with this devoted and humble husband, this is relatively easy to do.  This is the man I waited for to marry. He has proven to be what I was waiting on. No compromising my soul to be with this one!

I could and should list other factors such as having the same faith (thankfully John also has a brave faith), same moral code, and intentionally surrounding ourselves with a life team of friends who support both of us. We’ve learned to speak each other’s love languages. We’ve had great joys and some very hard smashed heart seasons we’ve had to grow through together (you’ve ready my story here at Bravester). We intentionally grow through these life events together.

So to those with this ache in your soul, may this real story of pain and beauty inspire you. You have the opportunity to learn before you make your “love for a lifetime” decision, specifically to not contort yourself to settle for someone less than. To have your vanity and to attract a worthy one. You are quite a catch. You will attract a worthy one.