The Danger and Allure of Premature Forgiveness - Divorce Minister

…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him.

-Luke 17:3, TPT

What I find interesting is how much advice is given about forgiveness for faithful spouses as if this is the hardest part–convincing faithful spouses to forgive. I don’t think it is.

In my experience, faithful spouses are eager to forgive their cheater to their own detriment. They are willing to forgive without repentance. It is a premature forgiveness.

When your world is spinning out of control because of the cheater’s sins, you are willing to do almost anything to return to “normal.”

That is the dangerous allure of premature forgiveness:

You think by offering forgiveness that maybe you can return to the way things were. The problem is that is never possible. It will have to be a new normal whatever happens regarding your marriage union.

Another part of the premature forgiveness is the part where one offers “forgiveness” not really taking stock of the wrongs or losses. I put “forgiveness” in scare quotes because you cannot forgive an unknown wrong.

This is again part of the temptation to live in denial that faithful spouses need to fight for their own good.

I am a pastor and support efforts to engage in the process of forgiveness. However, I do not endorse ungodly forgiveness or efforts to deny the pain of victims.

A faithful spouse ought to take stock of the wrongs and losses. Then they can more clearly see if the cheater is repenting, which is a biblical prerequisite for forgiveness according to Jesus in Luke 17:3. Plus, this positions them to offer real forgiveness for wrongs that they now see.

Sadly, many cheaters will never even say sorry for raping their spouse’s soul. They reserve their feelings for themselves. It is sad but true. In those cases, the best faithful spouses can do is hand the sin debt over to our good, just God for Him to handle.