The Pitiful Resort: Domestic Abusers and Violence as Their Last Refuge…an Essay… - The DV Walking Wounded

I recently was watching a Tik Tok video from a man who had been imprisioned for nineteen years, then pardoned. He was friends with another inmate, whom he later found out was a serial killer. Serial killers are usually uncannily intelligent. He considered this man his mental mentor (not from the serial killer aspect). He said that his mentor would often reference a quote from Issaac Asimov’s Foundation novel, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent,” as spoken by a main character of the story.

That quote gave me pause…especially since its a concoction of a brilliant man and science fiction genius. There is a lot of controversy as to its true meaning: whether incompetent people’s “go to” coping mechanism, when other methods don’t work, is violence OR violence is the last resort of a person rendering them as an incompetent person. I thought I’d explore what I thought its meaning was, in relation to domestic abusers.

Domestic abusers, those who wield power through fear and force within intimate relationships, epitomize the sad truth behind the adage, “violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” In simple terms, it means that those who can’t figure out how to solve their problems without resorting to violence are essentially admitting defeat in the arena of decency and humanity. When it comes to domestic violence, this saying hits home hard.

Picture this: someone who, when faced with conflict or disagreement, can’t seem to manage their emotions or communicate effectively. Instead, they lash out, using physical or emotional abuse to control those closest to them. These are the incompetent wielders of violence.

Domestic violence isn’t just about physical harm; it’s about a profound lack of skill in dealing with life’s challenges in a mature and constructive way. It’s about someone who’s so lost in their own insecurities and shortcomings that they can’t see any other way to assert themselves or deal with their problems except through intimidation and pain.

Think about it: a person who truly knows how to navigate relationships and handle conflict wouldn’t resort to violence. They’d talk things out, find compromises, and seek help when needed. But for domestic abusers, violence is their crutch, their last-ditch effort to maintain control when everything else has failed. Everything else being coercion, love bombing, manipulation, black mail, etc….you know, their other normal “go-to’s.” When all else fails, they think, turn violent and instill fear.

What’s truly heartbreaking is that this incompetence isn’t just harmful to the abuser—it wreaks havoc on their victims, often leaving lasting scars, both physical and emotional. And yet, even in the face of the devastation they cause, domestic abusers often continue down the same path, repeating their violent behavior like a broken record.

Breaking the cycle of violence means addressing the root of the problem: the incompetence of abusers in dealing with their own issues and relationships. It means holding them accountable for their actions while also offering support and resources to help them learn healthier ways of interacting and resolving conflicts.

But it also means changing the narrative around violence and power. It means recognizing that true strength lies not in domination and control, but in empathy, communication, and respect. It means standing up against the toxic belief that violence is ever a justifiable or acceptable response to life’s challenges. It may even mean leaving, permanently.

In the end, the saying holds true: violence is indeed the last refuge of the incompetent. And when it comes to domestic abusers, it’s a refuge we must tear down, brick by brick, until there’s no shelter left for incompetence, only space for healing, growth, and true human connection.