4 Ways Sex and Intimacy Changed After Trauma
Trauma changes you in all ways. What you once believed often evolves into a different perspective. In my case, this included sex and intimacy.
It would be easy to think that enduring an abusive marriage for about 18 years would lead to negative consequences, but I also believe that healing has taught me more than I ever expected. These are my personal revelations, so it may be different for each person.
1. My body is my own.
Trauma and abuse can cause a person to relinquish free will, mentally and physically. When we hear stories about captors and their victims not escaping at moments that they could run, it’s because their minds are just as bound as their bodies. This is why, unfortunately, victims are often wrongfully blamed for someone else’s bad behavior.
Abuse violates you. When you have sex with a person who is doing this, it can feel thrilling on some days because you are “making up” and other days miserable because you feel scared to say no. Either way, sex is dirty and is often used by the abuser to manipulate.
As you heal, you start to realize this. The devil will immediately bring shame, but God will bring restoration if you grieve properly. Now, I recognize that my body is my own, and anyone who violates that in any way must go.
2. Sex can be sex without any strings attached.
We are bombarded by sexual images every day, so it’s easy to have a misconception about the concept of intimacy as soon as we hit puberty. The term “friends with benefits” promotes sex “without strings attached,” but that is far beyond the truth! Both individuals will only receive the physical pleasure of sex without the full benefit of intimacy. One is often left hurting while the other moves on to the next partner. The string is there even if it’s broken.
True sex without strings attached means that I can freely make love to my husband without feeling like it’s layered in something hurtful. It’s not a weapon, fearful act, or manipulation. He isn’t going to run off and give the same to another woman, and I wouldn’t give it to another man. It’s what it intended to be-an act of love between the two of us.
3. Healing may have to come more than once.
In my personal story, I was a virgin until I married my ex-husband. I gave him my virginity on my wedding night. When he cheated on me multiple times, I felt completely robbed. When I finally left, I was so broken that I believed that sex was the way to feel wanted by someone. After sleeping with a couple of men who stopped pursuing me after, I felt far from wanted but instead used. By the time I got to my now-husband, I was so hurt, confused, and disgusted with myself that I had to completely heal from the lies that were imbedded in me for years, and this was not a one-stop-shop restoration.
Don’t be surprised if you have to heal repeatedly. It took years to create these mindsets, so it may take time to erase them. Having a supportive partner is key. They will give you grace through those moments. They may not always be perfect in that grace, so you may also have to show it back to them, but ultimately, you both have the best interests at heart for each other.
4. I can be free to be myself.
Living through trauma as a child and as an adult made me believe that I had to be “strong,” masking who I knew I was deep down. The little girl had to grow up way too quickly. Now, I refuse to be anyone other than myself! I realized that physical touch was much more important to me than I ever knew. When you are constantly hurt by a person, you get scared to be vulnerable and touchy-feely. Now, my husband thinks something is wrong with me if I don’t touch him!
I can also be free sexually with him. I am much less self-conscious. I can share my desires without fear that he will exploit them later. If I send him a flirty photo, he won’t threaten me when angry to post it on the internet like in my past relationship. I can cuddle on the couch with him even if it doesn’t lead to sex; in fact, we can laugh as we watch reality television together or talk about current issues. In my opinion, there is nothing sexier than a man who can look good while having an intelligent conversation but can also ugly cry as we laugh at the most ridiculous inside jokes. Now, that is a real turn-on.
These are just 4 ways that sex and intimacy have changed for me after trauma. I am sure I could think of many more. Yours may look different than mine, but what it comes down to is that you can have a fruitful, healthy, and fun sex life after heartbreak! Take the time to heal and ask God how you can achieve this. Believe me, it’s worth it.
