The Struggle of “Performing” for Love as a Trauma Survivor

As a trauma survivor, I’ve often felt that love and acceptance had to be earned through constant performance. This belief—that I had to continually strive, change, and perform to be worthy of love—has been a heavy burden. The painful reality is that when I finally stopped performing, the love I had worked so hard to secure often seemed to vanish. Understanding this cycle and finding a way out has been crucial for my healing and developing genuine connections. Yet, even today, I still struggle with this.

Codependency: Feeding the Performance

For me, codependency has played a significant role in perpetuating the need to perform for love. I found myself in codependent relationships, both romantic and not, where my worth was intricately tied to the approval and needs of others. In these dynamics, love felt conditional: it was given as a reward for meeting expectations and withdrawn as punishment for failing to do so. This created a relentless pressure to please and perform, which was ultimately unsustainable. Codependency trapped me in a loop of self-sacrifice, making me believe that my value lay solely in what I could do for others, not in who I was.

The Unconditional Love of Jesus

What began to liberate me was discovering the unconditional love offered by Jesus. Realizing that I never had to strive or perform for Jesus’ love was a game-changer. This love is a free gift, unearned and unwavering. Jesus’ love doesn’t fluctuate based on my behavior, success, or failure. It is steadfast and ever-present, providing a safe haven for me, weary from the constant performance required to earn earthly affection. Embracing this amazing love has been a huge step toward healing, giving me a sturdy foundation to rebuild my sense of self-worth.

Discovering Who Truly Cares

When I began to break free from the cycle of performance, I started to recognize those who were genuinely there for me with a pure heart. True friends and romantic partners didn’t expect a performance; they valued the real person behind the facade. Initially, letting go of the performance was challenging and painful—certain relationships did fade away. Yet, this shedding of artificial connections was essential to create room for sincere, supportive relationships.

During this transition, it became clear who valued me for who I am, not for what I could do. I still am a magnet at times for people looking to get something out of me, and that can be hurtful, but I am doing better every day in keeping boundaries for myself. Authentic relationships are based on mutual respect, understanding, and unconditional support. These connections have been invaluable for my healing, providing a supportive environment where I could be my true self without fear of rejection.

Moving Forward

The shift from performing out of love to embracing my true self has been super tough, but also so satisfying. Realizing and breaking free from codependent habits, welcoming Jesus’ unconditional love, and letting myself find and build real, supportive relationships have been major game-changers on this path.

Healing began when I figured out that my worth is just innately mine, not based on what others think. I realized that love should never be like putting on a show. By breaking free from that whole act, I embraced my real self and paved the way for deeper, more genuine connections.

If you’ve experienced trauma, I urge you to find the courage to stop pretending, the faith to accept the unconditional love of Jesus, and the insight to identify and appreciate those who genuinely love you. And remember, it’s alright to struggle with this. I still do, but each forward step brings greater clarity and peace.