Can Parents and Kids Be Friends? What Jesus Teaches Us

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” —John 15:15 (ESV)

I’m sure I’m not the only one who vividly remembers a parent responding to adolescent pushback by proclaiming something along the lines of, “Because I said so,” followed by the inevitable, “I’m your [mom/dad] — not your friend!”

I remember it well. Eyes rolled. Huffs of frustration escaped. Tears held back with firm resolve. My melodramatic outbursts were often squashed by these silencing statements, which caused me to turn inward and ruminate on what felt unfair, unfeeling, and unfounded. I just want to be heard, I thought. What’s wrong with that?

“Tough love” statements like this were popular when I was growing up. Maybe you can relate? And like me, you may have dreaded the thought of having to tell your own child that “we can’t be friends” for fear that it would diminish your authority.

However, once I became a parent, all that I learned about friendship and love-driven discipline from Scripture had prepared me for the difficult disciplinary conversations I would eventually have with my daughters.

While it is true that parents have God-given authority and responsibility to discipline their children (Proverbs 13:24) lovingly, the most impactful role we play is modeling what it looks like to live surrendered to our ultimate authority—our Heavenly Father. And although He has given us guidelines for righteous living in Scripture, obedience is just one result of our new relationship with Him in Christ Jesus.

In John 15, Jesus used the illustration of the fruit-bearing vine to describe to His disciples the foundational relationship He had with the Father, as well as the fruitful relationship they would have when abiding in Him, the true vine. As believers, our lives should also bear fruit that reflects our direct connection to God’s transforming power, fruit such as obedience. But the most compelling proof of our relationship with Him is how we love one another.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends,” Jesus continued, alluding to the depths of His love that would lead Him to the Cross. (John 15:12-13) “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”

When Jesus called the disciples His friends, He made it clear that they were more than servants to Him, and He wasn’t withholding any information from them. He had answered all of their “why” questions, and although it would take some time for them to fully understand what Jesus was saying in this intimate upper-room sermon, those words must have been so comforting to hear in the moment.

The point Jesus made here resonated deeply with me as I tried to reconcile my desire to be a friend to my daughters with the need to discipline and correct them. I realized that a friendship doesn’t have to be incompatible with authority.

Jesus had invited the disciples into a relationship built on trust and divine intimacy rather than blind submission. As parents, we often fear that explanation or friendship weakens our hand, but Jesus demonstrated the exact opposite. True authority is not maintained by keeping our distance; it is solidified when we invite our children into the “why” behind God’s truth.

When we model this grace-filled relationship, discipline transforms from a battle of wills into an invitation to abide in Christ. By choosing to love our children as Christ loves us, we cease to be mere rule-enforcers and instead become the very reflection of the Father’s heart, leading them by love into a life of fruitful surrender.

Questions for Reflection:

1. Did you grow up hearing mixed messages about love, discipline, and friendship as it relates to parenting?

2. How can you transition a specific area of discipline in your home from a battle of rules into an invitation for your child to understand God’s heart?

3. In what ways are you currently modeling a life surrendered to God’s authority, rather than just demanding obedience from your children?