Reconciliation longing and biblical responses - Divorce Minister

Skip to content

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling.”

-Matthew 23:37, NASB

Following adultery discovery, a major part of the traumatic experience is the loss of relationships with a host of people.

Family members and “friends” might respond poorly to the news of the infidelity and discard–if you discarded on top of the infidelity.

These are the staunch purveyors of THE SHARED RESPONSIBILITY LIE  where they suggest the falsehood that you share some responsibility for being sinned against.

When you cut them out of your life or seriously limit your contact with them, they get all self-righteous labeling you as “unchristian” or “bitter.”

They refuse to take responsibility for their own behavior. These people are blind to how they are spewing harmful lies, and that is why you cannot have them in your life. Such lies inflict emotional and spiritual wounds on faithful spouses.

But that reconciliation longing…

I know I feel the pains of remembrance. What I wish to have are relationships at peace with those former “friends.”

But that cannot happen as long as they are unwilling to repent changing their position on what happened in my first marriage. 

Too often, faithful spouses are wrongly assumed to be opposed to reconciliation. It is not that I am opposed to reconciliation. In fact, I am strongly in favor of reconciliation.

I AM opposed to reconciliation without repentance.

So, the remembrance of those old relationships becomes an exercise in processing grief. Those are lost relationships.

Those people have made choices in our relationship as well. If they really wanted out relationship to continue, they would have worked to repair what they damaged.

It is past time, faithful spouses, for us to let go of the responsibility for that sort of repair work. We cannot compel someone to repent. And we cannot force a reconciliation.

Even Jesus did not do this as the verse from Matthew 23 illustrates.

The best we can do is be open to reconciliation following repentance and grieve when people choose otherwise.

*A version of this post ran previously.

Give

Subscribe to the Daybreak Devotions for Women

Be inspired by God's Word every day! Delivered to your inbox.


More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    "What do you know?" - Divorce Minister

    “Well, what do you know?” says Cheater. This is a clear sign that your Cheater is in full-blown damage control. They want to know what is known so that they don’t “over” confess. Plus, they want to know where the leaks are so that they can plug them. I do not recommend showing all your … Continue reading "“What do you know?”"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Healing words for faithful spouses - Divorce Minister

    Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4, NIV “Yes, it happened. She cheated on you. And that’s right: you didn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault. Not at all.” You really want to help a faithful spouse. … Continue reading "Healing words for faithful spouses"

    4 min read
  • featureImage

    Unmet emotional needs excuse - Divorce Minister

    “You were all so busy with the kids. I felt neglected.” -Cheater “I never would have cheated if you had given me the attention he did!” -Cheater Thou shalt not commit adultery. -Exodus 20:14, KJV Your cheater may try to “justify” their sin to you. Maybe they will point to you spending too much time … Continue reading "Unmet emotional needs excuse"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Dr. Brown Responses Underplays EAs - Divorce Minister

    “…I did not have an affair, but we developed a very unhealthy and sinful soul tie.” -Dr. Brown’s email to Cantor on October 26, 2024 On February 20, 2025, BROWN was interviewed by Firefly ….. During this interview, BROWN admitted to what he called an “emotional affair” during the second half of 2001 with IS … Continue reading "Dr. Brown Responses Underplays EAs"

    3 min read
  • featureImage

    But the cost! Divorce scare tactics. - Divorce Minister

    For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. -I Timothy 6:10, KJV A popular Christian curriculum for people going through divorce would regularly try to dissuade people from divorcing by pointing out the financial … Continue reading "But the cost! Divorce scare tactics."

    2 min read

Editor's Picks

More from David Derksen

  • featureImage

    "What do you know?" - Divorce Minister

    “Well, what do you know?” says Cheater. This is a clear sign that your Cheater is in full-blown damage control. They want to know what is known so that they don’t “over” confess. Plus, they want to know where the leaks are so that they can plug them. I do not recommend showing all your … Continue reading "“What do you know?”"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Healing words for faithful spouses - Divorce Minister

    Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4, NIV “Yes, it happened. She cheated on you. And that’s right: you didn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault. Not at all.” You really want to help a faithful spouse. … Continue reading "Healing words for faithful spouses"

    4 min read
  • featureImage

    Unmet emotional needs excuse - Divorce Minister

    “You were all so busy with the kids. I felt neglected.” -Cheater “I never would have cheated if you had given me the attention he did!” -Cheater Thou shalt not commit adultery. -Exodus 20:14, KJV Your cheater may try to “justify” their sin to you. Maybe they will point to you spending too much time … Continue reading "Unmet emotional needs excuse"

    2 min read
  • featureImage

    Dr. Brown Responses Underplays EAs - Divorce Minister

    “…I did not have an affair, but we developed a very unhealthy and sinful soul tie.” -Dr. Brown’s email to Cantor on October 26, 2024 On February 20, 2025, BROWN was interviewed by Firefly ….. During this interview, BROWN admitted to what he called an “emotional affair” during the second half of 2001 with IS … Continue reading "Dr. Brown Responses Underplays EAs"

    3 min read
  • featureImage

    But the cost! Divorce scare tactics. - Divorce Minister

    For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. -I Timothy 6:10, KJV A popular Christian curriculum for people going through divorce would regularly try to dissuade people from divorcing by pointing out the financial … Continue reading "But the cost! Divorce scare tactics."

    2 min read