Same Park, Different Path — Grateful, yet Grieving
For years, we have heard about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, known as PTSD. The focus has been primarily on how to help those who suffer from the negative consequences of traumatic events. Most often, the focus has been on the military and first responders. Since the mid-1990s, a model called Post-Traumatic Growth has been observed, where there can be positive outcomes following a trauma.
It’s a process where the dimension of distress and resilience can coexist. For those of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one, grief and pain are not replaced but are used to create changes and shifts in a person’s perspective, priorities, and purpose.
During the first year, when our grief is most intense, it's hard to even imagine anything good is possible. We are just trying to survive and get through the day. Everything about our lives has changed. Our bodies and brains are different. Over time, the changes we experience externally affect us internally.
We are wired to adapt to change. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to form new pathways and help us heal. According to Michelle Falzon, Integrative Positive Psychology Practitioner, “Neuroplasticity plays an important role in post-traumatic growth by allowing the brain to adapt and reorganize in response to traumatic experiences.”
In my second year after my husband died suddenly, I began to try new things. In some ways, I didn’t have a choice. I had to figure out household maintenance procedures and how to order a water filter for the refrigerator. Some changes I didn’t choose, but one I did get to choose.
For me, I began writing. I joined an online writing group and started my blog. It was scary. I was self-conscious, worried I was too old, and wondered if I could learn something new. I prayed each time I sat at the computer. When I didn’t understand something, I asked for help. It was out of my comfort zone for a while, and I slowly found my rhythm and routine in writing.
We are all in different places. Or as my therapist said, “We are in the same park on a different path.” Healing and growth are possible after the loss of our loved one. We need grace and space. There’s no pressure and no hurry to be where we are not yet. Where you start is not where you stay.
