The giver, not the gifts.

I’m a little drained this morning. 

I got a little later start to the day than I normally do. It’s funny how a slight change to your routine can really mess you up, isn’t it? 

My kids are off of school. So that meant another change: Instead of having my office to myself, it became a roadway for requests. Every few minutes, it seemed, there was a new one.

“Daddy I want…”

“Daddy can I have…”

“Daddy will you….”

“Daddy, will you buy me…”

“Daddy, can I get…”

Finally, after what seemed like the one millionth time, I kinda broke down. I didn’t start crying, but I was just defeated. Why? I felt ground down. Used. See, while it is right and OK for my kids to ask me things and ask things of me, there comes a point where it just gets to be a lot. 

But for me, the biggest thing is I just felt like a conduit for their whims, for what they wanted. I felt like a means to an end. My son in particular is enamored with a certain game on his kids’ tablet. We have certain restrictions, but even those have started developing some unhealthy habits and fixations within him. 

And while I can generally hold out, this morning it hit a tipping point. I was just… sad. 

I’ve learned to become more curious about my emotions, so I asked myself why. It went something like this: “I’m sad because I feel my son doesn’t want me for me, he wants me for what I can give him. He doesn’t really want who I am, but what I can give him.” 

I know, he’s 6. But still, that’s what rose up from the depths of my soul this morning. 

And as soon as it did, boy did I feel convicted. Not for feeling that way, but because I know that I’m guilty of the very same thing. I do the same thing with my father, with God. 

Way too many times, I treat God as a means to an end. I want him to do something for me. I want him to give me something. I want the gifts over the giver. He’s a nice “bonus.” 

And it’s all backwards. 

Yes, we are told to ask God for things. But how often do we make that the basis of the relationship, instead of part of it? Too often. Too much. Instead, we are to want God for who he is. Because of what he does to us, not what he does for us. 

That’s hard. I know there’s nuance there. But understanding that nuance is the difference between more peace and more chaos in our lives. God is sovereign. He gives and he takes away. If we relegate him to a vending machine — if I do X then he will do Y — we will be disappointed because we’re not loving him in the right way. 

I want my kids to understand that about me. But I need to understand that about me and God just as much. 

How about you?

Jonathon M. Seidl is writer, speaker, and author. He runs the popular "Dear Jon" blog at Substack where he writes every morning. He's also the author of the bestselling book on faith and mental health, "Finding Rest." To access all of his posts, become a free subscriber at readdearjon.com.

(Picture: My son staring at his gifts Christmas morning. I don’t expect him to fully grasp the “giver over the gifts” idea yet, but my prayer is he will one day soon.")