Colonel Nails, and the Power of a Wife
It’s 2005 and a new guy has walked into our men’s group for recovery from porn/sex addiction in Colorado Springs. He’s dressed in army fatigues and boots. His hair is crew cut, short, salt and peppered. Posture is ramrod straight. His eyes are intense, with an aura of danger. He looks tough as nails; heck, he might even eat them for breakfast
We go around the room with everyone sharing their story and where they are with lust, their marriage, or other issues. It’s our friend from the military’s turn. He’s a colonel in the army whose experience includes leading several regiments of tanks in combat in the second Iraq war. This guy’s the real deal; battle tested, victorious. Then Colonel Nails (short for Colonel Tough as Nails) shares the sexual sin that brought him to our group. His marriage is in crisis. Then he says something I will never forget: “I fear no man…” We know he means it; the look in his eyes narrows, as if he is saying, “If you look at me the wrong way I will end you.” The rest of us look down in unison; no one wants to get ended that night.
Then Colonel Nails completes his sentence: “…I only fear my wife.”
We are momentarily surprised. This guy who has seen combat is afraid of a woman? But the surprise doesn’t last more than a few seconds.
We know what he means. Several of us nod in silent agreement.
No one can get to a husband’s heart like his wife. She sees him like no other. She’s not clairvoyant and she doesn’t know everything, but she can feel his heart. That’s her God-given sixth sense at work; intuition. She knows when he’s off. If he’s done something wrong and he lies, she may discern it in her spirit and emotions long before the truth comes out.
She has great power and influence in her husband’s heart. She can play a significant role in building her husband up to be the man God has made him to be, or she can shred him to pieces with just a look or several sentences. Her husband knows how deeply she can cut his heart. He wants her approval, to know that she believes in him. Her sphere of influence is also broad and profound in the lives of others.
Should you doubt her power, let’s look at the influence that wives had in the Bible, for better or worse, starting with the bad side.
After Satan deceived Eve, she offered her husband the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Adam took it without a word.
After Sarah got tired of waiting for God to fulfill His promise of a son and went into control freak mode, she told Abraham to take her maidservant, Hagar, to bear children with. Abraham consented. That decision would bring years of strife and sorrow to their family.
After Elijah was victorious in a spiritual battle with overwhelming odds set against him that was impossible to win unless God came through in power (Elijah faced 400 prophets of Baal in front of the Israeli government and many others) Elijah ran in terror after one woman, Jezebel, King Ahab’s wife, threatened to kill him (1 Kings 19).
After John the Baptist confronted Herod Antipas for his sin of marrying Herodias, (Herod Antipas was her uncle), Herodias asked for the head of John the Baptist to be given her on a plate after her daughter performed a sensuous dance in front of Herod’s court. With no resistance, Herod gave the order to behead John the Baptist, even though he preferred not to (Mark 6).
Let’s switch gears.
Deborah, wife of Lapidoth, was the prophetess and judge of Israel during a time when men had become corrupt and weak. This conversation with Deborah and Barak, the leader of Israel’s army in Judges 4:4-9 provides a glimpse into their culture:
“Now Deborah, a prophet, the wife of Lappidoth, was leading Israel at that time. She held court under the Palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the Israelites went up to her to have their disputes decided. She sent for Barak son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali and said to him, “The Lord, the God of Israel, commands you: ‘Go, take with you ten thousand men of Naphtali and Zebulun and lead them up to Mount Tabor. I will lead Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his troops to the Kishon River and give him into your hands.’” Barak said to her, “If you go with me, I will go; but if you don’t go with me, I won’t go.” “Certainly I will go with you,” said Deborah. “But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours, for the Lord will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.”
Sigh. Barak wouldn’t go out to battle without a woman. Colonel Nails would have taken over and routed their enemies.
Deborah’s prophecy was fulfilled. Jael, wife of Heber, tricked Sisera, the leader of the army of Israel’s enemy into falling asleep in her tent and then punched a spike through his head. (Where was Heber when this went on?)
Hannah, wife of Elkanah, was a prayer warrior who prayed for years for a son. After she made a promise to surrender her son to God, God birthed Samuel through her. Samuel was one of the most revered and feared prophets in the Bible (1 Samuel 1).
Esther was the Jewish queen who risked her life and asked King Ahasuerus to allow her people to defend themselves against a plot to destroy them. Because of her bravery, Ester’s nation turned the tables against their enemies and prospered.
Mary. Mother of Jesus. Need I say more?
The women who followed Jesus to the cross in his hour of gruesome suffering.
Acquila and his wife Priscilla were a spiritual power couple who made a significant impact in the early church. They established a church in their home, mentored an up and coming preacher named Apollos, and, as we see in Paul’s letter to Timothy in 2 Timothy 4:19, ministered with Timothy at the church in Ephesus.
I know my audience, and I know some of you are wives who are going through, or have been through, the devastation that sexual sin inflicts on a marriage. Maybe you’re a wife and are wondering, “Yeah, okay, if I have this influence with my husband why do I feel like his heart has been walled off and rock hard for years??”
There are several reasons for that.
Given enough time, porn and sexual sin will turn a man’s heart to stone. They can become bitter, angry, fearful, defensive, while their relationship with God becomes choked, at best. I’m talking pastors too here. This is the very real danger with porn and why it is so critical that churches address this topic head on and equip people on how to overcome it.
Many Christian men didn’t grow up with a close relationship with their father, haven’t been mentored, and have no close friends. By close friend I mean a brother they can share everything with, including their fears, failures, and struggles, pray with, and be accountable to, on an ongoing basis. They don’t know how to handle their emotions. Going into battle with a regiment of tanks is more comfortable than facing their heart and emotions. Or their wife. Some have gotten more messed up than helped by the church. (I could tell you plenty of stories that bear this out). Men don’t leave home and “Pop!” out comes a great man, husband and father. He has a long journey of growth ahead of him that includes trying to figure out how to relate to his wife and live with a heart that’s alive. If he was abused or neglected in his youth, the curve of healing and growth becomes steeper.
Deep down, many men are still scared little boys. Who don’t want anyone getting too close.
Spiritual warfare. He has an enemy coming at him to steal, kill, and destroy. That same enemy is after your heart. Many Christians have not been equipped in this area.
“So then how do I reach my husband?”, you may wonder. First, a little reality check. Every man and woman must want and choose healing and growth on their own. This process includes pain, spearing pride, facing weaknesses, learning to fight God’s way, becoming a prayer warrior, and…
Surrender.
You can’t make him want to heal. But you can learn to walk with God and do life and your marriage His way. There will be times when the Lord will ask you to confront your husband. Many men report that the day their wife discovered their sexual sin was the day they began to heal and get serious about recovery. There will also be times when God asks you to step back, wait, and let Him work. Try to control your husband and it will eventually blow up in your face. Always, you must pray.
Scripture gives us a glimpse of one way to reach your husband’s heart.
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
1 Peter 3:1-2
Don’t flip out on me about the “be subject to your husband” part. For the moment, let’s key on this part:
“…so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
The following is from my book The Wife’s Heart; Healing from Your Husband’s Porn Addiction and Adultery:
“A while ago, my wife and I were having an argument over something insignificant. Later, with no prompting from me, she walked outside in the cold and knocked the snow off the windshield of my car. Michelle didn’t know I was watching; her kindness melted my heart with conviction. Here she was, serving me, and I did nothing to deserve it. I felt like a complete idiot for being mad at her over a nonessential issue. Ladies, your purity, humility, and quiet strength have immense convicting power. Even if your husband has a hard heart or is not in a place where he gets it, I can assure you that your kindness will eventually work its way through the cracks in his heart.”
Isaiah puts it this way:
“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
‘In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.’”
Isaiah 30:15
The writer of Proverbs reminds us that:
“Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
Proverbs 31:25-30
Ladies, remember who you are. You are God’s beloved daughter. You are Jael, a fighter. You are meant to be Hannah, a persevering prayer warrior. (Don’t get carried away and pick up a hammer and spike while your husband is asleep). Your identity is not “victim.” You are not alone, God is with you, and He offers you the strength to persevere and overcome, one minute, one day at a time.
One more quote from The Wife’s Heart:
“If you go at your husband with both guns blazing, screaming, and spraying him with four-letter words and insults, he’s going to fight back (especially if he’s prone to outbursts) or withdraw into a shell and “yes dear” you. Either way, you don’t have a shot at getting the message through.
When a wife goes to her husband in kindness, she shows him she’s on his side. Her starting position of grace opens the door for him to confess his sin and work with her. Most husbands will be far more convicted (even if the conviction comes later) if their wives approach them in love. When Michelle has confronted me in kindness after I did something wrong, it melted my heart. Her purity and holiness as a daughter of Christ soaked me in conviction.
This doesn’t mean your husband will respond in kind. Some won’t. Focus on staying above reproach in God’s eyes. Do your part to communicate the truth in love, and then let the Lord have the results.”
Ladies, your strength and wisdom to do the impossible comes from God. Surrender to, walk with, and obey Him, the One who promises you the peace that passes all understanding.
None of this lets men off the hook for taking responsibility for their sin and going hard after God and choosing the path of growth and healing.
As for Colonel Nails, after a year he and his wife recovered and healed. Soon after, he retired from the military. I recruited him for God’s army and turned the leadership of the group over to Colonel Nails so I could focus on other things at Blazing Grace. He used his strong leadership skills and led the men into healing and freedom. Now he was fighting, and winning, battles with eternal rewards.
That’s what we do around here. We train and equip God’s people to be Rogue Christians and turn them loose on the world to make an impact.
Jesus called this making disciples.
“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:19-20
