Failure for Teens is Survivable

Middle and high school life is really a bubble. It’s its own world tucked away from the real world that has little to do with real life.

Yes, it is all about preparing teens for adulthood but the culture, or subculture, has overtaken it. Watch any sophomore learn and strain to learn a geometric formula, struggle to get that earned C, and never have a use for it again. Or watch a junior girl spend hours (and too much money) for a prom date with a guy she’s “just friends” with only to have no conversation at dinner, a few dances at the prom, and think this was a grown-up experience. Or checkout the friends they have and are loyal to, often to the point of breaking the law, but who do not become groomsmen and bridesmaids at their weddings.

Teens do experience real life. Pregnancies, addictions, and empty homes are experiences all too real for teens. So real they affect them for the rest of their lives. The effects are so large because of that bubble burst.

Bubbles are good for protection. A safe environment to learn that geometric formula just in case its use ever comes up in the future. A safe environment to ease into adulthood responsibility. This is why the laws of the land protect minors.

Parents, you want to take the opportunity with these years to teach the important lesson that failure is survivable. That failure is not a definer of you. That failure is a part of success.

You want to take the opportunity to teach this before failure becomes a felony. Before failure costs a college scholarship. Before failure is the first marriage ending in divorce.

Despite the pain, your teen needs to feel the consequences of that situation, of what led to the failure. It is all survivable in these protected years.

Here are some tips from me, a five-decade youth pastor, to you to help you bravely parent your beloved.

Your child doesn’t need to be rescued. Your child needs to learn that failure is survivable–and temporary!

Failure is survivable. Perfect is too much pressure.

Repeat often—out loud--how God is close to the broken-hearted. How God never abandons. How many memories do you still have of when you felt alone believing that God had abandoned you?

Share that memory with your beloved. Share that Bible verse that became personal to you during your teen years. Share the Bible verse that you wish you had during your teen years. Your story, because you are a safe person, will help give your beloved words that this horrible time is actually temporary.

Take the opportunity to pass on problem solving and coping skills. Especially in the midst of the failure. This will be a disruption in your busy life but you get the privilege of teaching your beloved the right coping skills during this extra vulnerable time.

Consequences are not exempt when something is extra tragic. It is beneficial for your child to learn the right lessons when the natural consequences are relatively small. Remember that failure is all survivable during these protected years when they are still minors and still under your roof. If this stuff isn’t learned, decisions could be made when your child is older that are Lifetime movie scary.

Pray. Pray a lot. Every human emotion is the stuff of prayer. You are feeling a lot of emotions right now. Pray.

Acknowledge your beloved’s feelings of frustration and disappointment. Give words. Acknowledge your feelings too. Your disappointment is survivable too.

Give your child the word overcomer. Overcoming is to persevere. Overcoming is to feel the hurt and grow. God has hard-wired us for pain. All of us. Your child is not exempt from this. What a powerful thing to learn that God believes in our strength so much we’ve been hard-wired this way.

Do more than cheer your teen on. Do not do that silly parent thing of rah-rahing every little thing. This comes across as shallow and stupid because even a sad teen knows what false praise feels like.

Questions for Reflection:

How do you respond when your child fails?

What are all of the emotions you feel when your child fails?

How can you become an overcomer so your emotions don’t lead your parenting?