It’s Okay to Say “No”: A Freeing Truth for People Pleasers

This post is for people pleasers, for us who hate to say no. Enter Ollie the dog and a truth we need.

Hey Ab. Would you possibly be willing to Ollie next weekend? We’re going out of town and he had such fun with you last time.

It was true. Their black Lab was happy at our house. Our big fenced-in yard made it easy to host a high-energy Ollie.

But our deck was already booked. It would be the site for our June birthday bash. The wrap-around deck beneath the shade of the sprawling anciet oak is summer party perfection. Aunts and uncles, grandpas and grandmas, a fragile great-grandma and four toddling cousins would celebrate on Saturday.

Ollie was a lively, black lab with a tail wag that could bowl a toddler over and a jubilant jump that had leveled me. We could crate Molly, but her yowls in a single hour last time were unrelenting and loud.

I did not want to disappoint my friend. But I also did not want to manage a wild or whining Molly while I hosted the party.

I really want to help. But we’re hosting this birthday party. Can I get back to you?

How Do You Know When to Say No?

I was torn. Because pleasing people can be a good thing. We have been blessed to be a blessing. Christ calls us to love, and serving others is God-ordained (Galatians 5:13).

But when a good thing becomes an ultimate thing, it’s become an idol.

And too many of us, including me, have made an idol out of man’s approval and praise. 

So, how do we know when to say yes to people? Why do we spend our time doing what we do If we’re honest, we people pleasers admit that many of our decisions are based on what we think others will think of us if we do or don’t do something.

For better or worse, how other people perceive us—or how we think they’ll perceive us—has a huge influence on whether we say “yes” or “no.”

A Freeing Truth for People Pleasers

When my parents dropped in a few hours later, I was still torn about how to answer Jen.

Could I get your advice?

I described my dilemma. Then dad weighed in.

Abigail, you’re human. You have to disappoint someone. When you say “yes” to loving someone, you are saying “no” to loving another. From big decisions like marriage all the way down to this dog. Saying “yes” limits your ability to love certain others.

Dad saw me wince and went on,

It’s okay. If you’re motivated by love—and hosting family without distraction from a big dog sounds loving—then you’re doing well. You can’t please everyone. God doesn’t expect you to.

What a freeing truth for people pleasers. We, human creatures, have limits. When we say “yes” to someone, it necessarily means we say “no” to others.

That means that we don’t have to feel guilty when we say no.

The Critical Question for People Pleasers

In “You Have to Disappoint Someone: How to Say No to Good Things,” John Bloom writes,

Coming to terms with ways we seek people’s approval or fear their disapproval will force us to face humbling truths about ourselves and may require repentance and uncomfortable change.

Bloom describes a conference he attended where leaders were asked how they stayed focused on their calling while inundated with demands. In response, one of the speakers posed another question: 

“Who are you willing to disappoint?”

That sounds a lot like my dad, because you have to disappoint someone. 

Bloom continues,

That might seem like an unloving way to decide what we should or shouldn’t do. But it really isn’t.

We should ask ourselves the hard question: who are we willing to disappoint? Or who are we unwilling to disappoint? Are we unwilling to disappoint God? Or are we unwilling to disappoint others? Are we unwilling to disappoint our own selfish preferences? 

Who are you willing to disappoint?

Mary Knew Who to Disappoint

I re-read the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42) through this people-pleaser, “who-to-disappoint” lens.

Could it be that Martha was “anxious and troubled over many things” because she prioritized pleasing her houseguests over her Lord? I think it was precisely because Mary was more willing to disappoint Martha than Jesus that she preserved peace in her heart.

But Mary knew what dad knew: You have to disappoint someone. It might be yourself, it might be a friend, or it might be the Lord.

Mary was unwilling to disappoint her Lord. She was willing to disappoint her sister. How about you?

Who Are You Willing to Disappoint?

I decided I was willing to disappoint my friend Jen.

We love Ollie, my text read. Please ask again. But with the party at our house, I need to say no.

Peace returned the second I sent that text.

As we welcome summer with all the parties and opportunities it brings, we need wisdom and discernment to know who to disappoint and when to say “no.”

Thankfully, our God gives this wisdom generously to all who ask (James 1:5, ESV). We can pray, with Apostle Paul for a love that can discern what is best (Philippians 1:10a). Sometimes, the Spirit will guide us to share a joyful “yes,” and other times to give a firm “no.”

By the way, Jen and I remain good friends and the June birthday bash was a blast.

So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.

—2 Corinthians 5:9