Turn the Faucet Off

Have you ever laid in bed at night and heard the annoying “drip, drip” of a faucet that you didn’t turn off tightly enough? It’s like, on the one hand it’s annoying enough that it’s keeping you up. You could just as easily get up and turn it off and your night would be a lot more peaceful. But, then on the other hand, you’re comfortable, though irritated and you hope and pray—even though you know it’s not going to stop unless you do something about it—that it will stop on it’s own. Just wait it out and maybe something will finally change.

Sounds silly doesn’t it?

It might, but that is how, in fact, I was living my life. I was waiting for things to change without actually putting forth any effort to change it. Yes, I was going to church, crying and praising, yet I would walk out the doors and back home to the same conditions that I left it. It’s funny, that we pray that prayer, “God allow us to leave home and come back to the same conditions as we left it,” not even realizing the implications of it. But I won’t go there right now.

I was praying, and in vain. I didn’t believe a word of it. I was just going through the motions. Praying that God would fix it, but not doing the work on myself. I went through years of hell on the job and hell in my home just praying that one day that stupid dripping faucet would stop instead of just turning it off myself.

In fact, I probably made things worse. Because that irritation festered and grew and grew…and grew into something called bitterness. And I didn’t realize that I had a part to play in it as well. You see, I wasn’t walking in my victory. I was wallowing in my defeat. And by doing that I allowed the enemy to win over me time and time again. And I allowed the enemy to keep my mouth shut so many times, for so many years, when the Lord told me to speak because I was too embarrassed…too bitter…too…waiting for that faucet to stop dripping.

You see, knowing that you’re called doesn’t mean a thing if you won’t walk in the purpose that God has for you. How can you reach others, touch others, help others if you’re continually bogged down by the weight of everything else? And Lord, I must have been a heavyweight bench presser (is that a thing?) because I was carrying the weight of the world on those shoulders of mine. And I ran but not to God. I ran to others, trusting people I had no business trusting with my business because I wanted someone there. And Lord, I ended up in a world of hurt because of that. You see, it took me years to realize that not everyone you call your friend is truly your friend. The enemy will purposely place people in your life to keep you bound and blindly trusting, while they are sowing seeds of discord, doubt, distrust and just being plain ole nosey.

And while fake friends continued to drain me, my home life continued to pull from me, and I hated every bit of my career. Yet, I still continued to just sit there and listen to that drip, drip, drip-drip-drip instead of fixing the real problem: me.

You see, here’s the problem with letting that faucet drip instead of just turning it off. Not only is it annoying, but it can start to corrode the enamel that has been purposely placed there to protect you. It can start to rust and discolor, and it won’t look anything like it did at first. And I think—scratch that, I know—that’s what I allowed my problems to do to my life. It eroded my walk with Christ. I didn’t look the same. I didn’t pray the same, if at all. I didn’t have the same fire that I had when I started. My light wasn’t just dim. It wasn’t there anymore.

Simply put, I looked like what I went through.

And sweetie, some people will be rejoicing to see you going through. And it will be the people that you least expect…chile. And all of this made that enamel—my walk with Christ—erode a little more. I was fed up! I was mad at him, her, them, she, it…everyone! I was even mad at God. Questioning Him. Asking Him how could He allow these things to happen? And I was mad, y’all. You see, I really talk to Him like He’s standing right in my face. And I had the sheer audacity to ask God, why He was allowing this to happen when I was doing all that I was supposed to be doing.

Let me stop there for a second, because we as Christians tend to treat God like Santa Claus. We think that if we read His word, pray, fast, and go to church that it gives us a “Stay Free From Trouble” card with God. We’ll be on the “Nice List.” It don’t work like that. Yes…don’t. You see God is God. And He has all power, which means that He can and will allow things to happen as He wills it. No, he’s not a big bully with his magnifying glass torturing us wee little ants to see how much we can take (He already knows that). He’s a man that says that He will deliver the righteous from all of our afflictions…and yes, they are many. You see, we get tried because as long as we’re living we will be tested. But, that’s why we serve God. Not so that He can give us a new house, new car, new job, new spouse when we do what we’re supposed to. But so that when we go through, (because we will) we’ll have more peace knowing that if God brought us to it, He can certainly bring us through it.

But, I forgot that.

Or at least, I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to think about that. I was mad. And going back to what I said before, I absolutely was not doing all that I should have been doing. You see, had I listened to God in the first place, like not moving fast in my relationship with my husband or listening to the warnings about those friends who meant me no good, I could have avoided a lot of the hurt and pain I endured. And here I was mad at God because I wasn’t listening.

It’s really comical now, but honey, I was pissed. And we had a conversation, well more like I had a screaming match (one-sided, of course) telling God all the ways He was wrong. I was ready to walk away. Be done with all. I wanted no more parts of Christ if this is what being saved was all about.

So, why didn’t I?

I can’t help but smile as I write this. Because even as nasty as I was in that moment I had with God, He never stopped holding me. He never stopped caring. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped. As much as I fought Him, he was still there. As much as I ignored Him, he waited patiently for me to come back. As angry as I was with Him, He was still right there with an understanding, knowing smile.

So, I couldn’t give up on God…as much as I wanted to. Because he never gave up on me. Even when He had every right to. It was like God picked me up out of that bed every single morning. Like he was my arms and legs that moved me because I couldn’t do it myself. And I still pressed my way until I realized that it was never God’s intention to break me. He was making me. For such a time as this.

You see, I wouldn’t be here where I am today if I hadn’t made the mistakes I’ve made. I wouldn’t have the ability to tell you that you could get through it if I hadn’t gotten through it myself. Would I have liked to not go through some of the things that I’ve had to endure? Why, duh! Of course not. But in that same token, I wouldn’t be me.

I’m stronger now. I’m prouder. I’m aware that all I’ve been through has allowed me this space to write and encourage someone else to just…keep…pushing.

I know it’s tough now, but it gets better.

I know it’s hard now and I won’t say it gets easier, but with God, it’s worth it.

I know you’re fed up, but as long as you trust God, He’ll hold you up.

And if you listen, I mean really listen, you’ll see that He hasn’t walked away from you. You’ll feel His warm embrace. You’ll see that He’s right there and has been all along. But, it’s gotta start with you the same way it had to start with me.

So, the first step: Turn that darn faucet off!